Friday, March 30, 2007

Minor Irritations

I'm liking my blonde highlights and I think my hair has grown out to a pretty sexy length. If I could just get it to look thicker, I could forego the hair transplant and cut my imaginary plastic surgery budget to about $200,000.

Coversation with someone at the tax department research center:

Moron: Tax Reasearch

Zelda: Hi. I'm having a little problem regarding my HOA and my fence. I need to know exactly where my property line is.

Moron: We don't have that information here. They'll probably tell you that you need to get another survey done.

Zelda: Who are "they?"

Moron: I don't have the information.

Zelda: But you just told me "they" would probably tell me that I'd need to get a survey. Who are "they"?

Moron: You are calling the wrong office. We don't deal with property lines or numbers here.

Zelda: I'm not asking you to give me the specific information that I need, I'm just asking you where I could find the specific information that I need. You said "they." Who are "they?"

Moron: Let me explain, you are calling a department that only collects taxes. Trying to find out from me where your property line is, is like calling Burger King to ask what kind of hamburgers they have at MacDonald's. Do you have a question about fees?

Zelda: Yes. I have a question as to the exact property upon which I am actually paying taxes.

Moron: I don't have that information.

Zelda: Look. It is obvious that my excessive tax dollars are somehow insufficient to hire someone with a brain for your position. I won't take up any more of my valuable time.

Moron: Whatever.

Zelda: Prick

Moron: *Click*

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Warning for Gentlemen: Lady Stuff Ahead

Did you ever forget you weren't wearing a tampon? It makes for an interesting couple of minutes, let me tell you.

I won't be around much today. I must do battle with the Homeowners Association and the tax office. I'd relay the details, but they are so boring that I can't even spice them up with 300 references and make it interesting. But the fact that there are about 300,000,000 raging, crazy-woman hormones coursing through my body ought to give both organizations the lingering impression that this will not be over quickly and they will not enjoy it.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Vacation Parts II, III & Conclusion

I really want to finish blogging about our trip. I'm afraid I can't do it justice, but I will give it a shot anyway.

After meeting Angi's family, we breezed on up to Virginia to meet a classmate of Jethro's from Chiropractic school. He and family were so sweet. They showed us their adorable little town and the office where both he and his father practice. It gave us some great ideas.

Then we drove up to Philadelphia, PA (yes, we're quite mad) to meet the one and only ALa of Blonde Sagacity. I know it's a cliche, but I really felt like I'd known her and her friend Liz for years - almost since childhood. Maybe it's growing up on the east coast and having religious, altruistically-minded parents. Anyway, Jethro and I had such a good time shooting the breeze with them that we eschewed the tourist sights in Philly, so we could hang out and try scrapple - a fried meat product native to the area. It wasn't bad. They bought Philly cheesesteaks the night we got in (which are fantastic, incidentally) and then took us to a Jewish diner where I got the dairy plate plus the order of scrapple. It was mostly carbs. But it was all delicious and ended up being my meal for the 12 hour drive back to Charlotte.

The wedding was fantastic. I went to get my hair done in the morning. Only gay men are allowed to touch my hair from now on. The dude did my hair for two and a half hours and it looked fantastic. It's a shame I was late to the wedding and had to tear across the church lawn like a demented, chronic, late-comer. My hair did not quite look the same afterwards. And I cried. I couldn't help it. I never know if I'm going to cry at weddings or not. Sometimes I think I'm going to be fine, and then it just comes upon me. One thing did make me laugh though. The brides mother was my elementary school principal. When she got up to do one of the readings, I had an immediate flashback and braced myself to hear "SIT DOWN AND BE QUIET! LUNCH TIME IS QUIET!!!"

The reception was awesome too. One of the bridesmaids was a friend of both mine and the bride from grade school. We were talking and she told me that our friend was so excited she was squealing. The bride is usually a very calm, wise person, but the thought of her squealing in excitement to get married was the nicest one to cross my mind at a wedding ever.

The reception was at a very cool place called The Big Chill. They had a great house band which made for some great dancing, not that I am much of a dancer. Jethro isn't either, but when he drinks he thinks he is which is awesome.

One interesting thing was that there were three couples at the wedding, including us, who were white/female-Asian/male. It's not the usual combination and was too interesting not to take note of. We ended up drunkenly calling ourselves the Fortune Cookie Club and someone suggested tattoos. I suppose it's funnier after a few drinks.

Anyway, it was a great trip. I was so happy we went.

Now back to the regularly scheduled blogcast.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Vacation: Part I: The Stud Farm

We're back. As much fun as we had, I was very glad to sleep in my own bed.

The whole trip was fantastic. Every part of it was special and unique and interesting.

We met Angi, Tommy and their boys on Tuesday. They are such a nice family. They are always laughing at something, and are a generally riotous bunch. They live on the side of a mountain amidst some interesting characters, one of whom has had loud relations with someone other than his wife on the front porch of their trailer and who had to be told by said wife to keep it down. They pointed out the gay bridge, where homeless/gay men exchange favors for cash. And we saw their church. It appears to be needed. I played their piano a little too. And aside from crack whoring, it seems as if I have a job if I ever move to Asheville.

I want to take a minute to give you my impression of her sons individually. They're quite an accomplishment.

Noah, the youngest, is a sweetheart. Among his many talents is a penchant for calling road kill, both type and which body part has been eliminated. He can also dig a mean hole with a stick. I was impressed.

Jamie is the next up. He's sweet too. He showed me Noah's Hanna Montana posters and convinced me of the vast superiority of his Dale Earnhardt poster. And while I didn't actually witness the event, I have been led to believe that he is an expert in the art of passing gas with spectacular reverberations on the wood living room floor.

Will is right in the middle. I get the feeling that no one has quite gotten used to how tall he is. I can't remember if it was his or Casey's pants that Tommy had accidentally put on, but it was pretty funny. He can tell a good joke, and just in case his family is unaware, I think Will is going to be pretty good-looking. Now I'm wondering just how much hell he's going to be in for because I wrote that.

Casey is the second oldest. He looks nothing like the last picture I saw of him in that he's now sporting some facial hair. He's outgoing and funny and he also looks pretty good in baseball pants.

TJ's the eldest. He had his birthday while we were there and turned 17. He looks at least 21. He reminds me so much of myself at his age (except that I didn't have a penis) it's scary. I didn't get to talk to him much and I would have liked to. But I enjoyed watching him play baseball, and I hope he still has a crush on me, at least for a little while longer.

Angi and Tommy were both great. They showed us around their town (without complaint) which is absolutely gorgeous. I'm a sucker for artsy-fartsy. I fight it, but I can't help it. I just am. As long as it isn't too pretentious, and it really wasn't for the most part. I could see the city encroaching on the country though, and that would be a bit irritating. Fortunately for Tommy and Angi, they really do live in the hills.

I'll direct you to Angi's posts to find out about what all we did. But I did want to sincerely thank them for the wonderful time.

Monday, March 19, 2007

North Carolina: Day 1

We are here in beautiful North Carolina. Our trip was uneventful. Everything was on time, no one fucked anything up, and the drive to Asheville was fantastic. I don't know why but I seem to lose my mind in airports. I only have a few things I need to carry on, but everything just seems to fall apart whenever I get to the security check. Everything I own just kind of flies in all directions. Pens I didn't realize I had in my hand, I suddenly find I have no idea what to do with. I always lose my i.d. at least once. I count myself lucky that I didn't end up throwing all my shit in a pile, stripping naked and screaming at it to go away.

But we're here and aside my scatterbrainedness, everything went wonderfully. We just finished our evening with Angi and her Studman. We made them eat at a fancy schmancy bistro and then forced them to go watch 300 with us. They're probably cursing our names right now.

But speaking of 300, I loved it. Lu-hu-hu-hu-huved it. I'm not much of a fan of war movies. I was unmoved by Gladiator, I prefered the Elven storyline in the LOTR trilogy, and Braveheart was very dramatic, but I lose my enthusiasm for a movie when they slit women's throats (or kill off children). But 300 was fantastic. I realize it was mostly CGI, but the artistry itself was amazing. They drew the most beautiful muscles on the male actors. My biggest gripe was how much of it was in slow motion. That particular trick lost it's impact after awhile. Other than that, it was so so cool. I don't want to spoil it for anyone who hasn't seen it, so go see it.

I'm going to head off to bed since we'll be seeing Angi, Tommy and their boys tomorrow.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

So Those Are What's Causing All The Trouble

File It Under Flotsam

This is sure to provoke some outrage. But don't be intimidated by the flying camel fuckers. Report anything that looks suspicious. It's always better to be wrong than killed. And if you're worried about looking stupid, just remember how people look when they're dead. Pretty stupid.


Yesterday was Steak and BJ Day. If you can ignore the pussy-ish whining on the website, it's a great idea.

I like steak.


I am now in the final stages of packing for our week in North Carolina. I reserved the rental car yesterday. I think I have all the clothes I want to take. Now I just have to dig out all my pretty panties. I don't think poor Jethro even knows I still own them.

But as much fun as we're going to have, I am going to miss Gwennie and Emma. For so long now, I haven't considered anything to be restful or relaxing if it involved them in any way. Kids are just not zen. But now that they are older, it's so much more fun to have them around. They're funny.

Last night, I made spaghetti for Gwennie and Emma and lamb for Jethro and me. Emma ate all her spaghetti and veggies, but then decided she wanted some of mine and Jethro's dinner too. (The kid eats almost without ceasing). I told her that she'd already had hers and that she could have some salad and potatoes, but the lamb was for Daddy and me. I relented before the words were even finished coming out of my mouth. I can't look at those big, liquid, brown eyes and say "no." Jethro and I put some of the lamb on her plate. She pumped her fork-holding fist in the air and gleefully shouted, "VICTORY IS MINE!!!"

We're doomed.


Update: I want this toilet.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

I Think He Was Picked On A Great Deal As A Child

I can hear his petulant, insistent, voice - slightly higher pitched than most other males - demanding the personal information of his fellow citizens.

Let's dissect the first paragraph.

Today is the start of Sunshine Week, the annual week in which we reflect on the importance of open government and public records. To mark the occasion, I want to take you on an excursion into freedom of information land.

An excursion into freedom of information land? Are we going to discover which lobbyists are paying which politicians for favorable legislation? Are we going to discover which politicians have taken which journalists on lavish holidays to remote locales? Will there be cookies and kool-aid?


We're going to find out who in the New River Valley has a concealed handgun permit.

He claims he "...can hear the shocked indignation of gun-toters already: It's nobody's business but mine if I want to pack heat."

Really? He can't think of any other reason why a gun-toter might not want their personal information published? Maybe we can break it down for him.

First question: why might an individual become a law-abiding gun-toter, complete with training and full governmental compliance? They're not all duck hunters and personal defense is a very real concern for those individuals unfortunate enough to have aroused the wrath of a psychopathic stalker. Women in particular.

Second question: why might an individual not want his personal information published? It couldn't possibly be because their first line of defense (so they hopefully NEVER have to fire their weapon in the direction of another human being) is anonymity.

He then responds to his surly, imaginary, gun-toting adversary with the following virile argument.

Au contraire. Because the government handles the permitting, it is everyone's business.

He then goes on to list the types of people upon whom you may wish to spy. Your neighbors. Your carpool. Your employees. For what purposes, he mysteriously doesn't specify.

He then (laughably) insists "[t]his is not about being for or against guns."

Then he writes the the first of the two most disgusting sentences in the entire editorial.

There are plenty of reasons people choose to carry weapons: fear of a violent ex-lover, concern about criminals or worry that the king of England might try to get into your house.

Disgusting because he acknowledges all of the very good reasons private citizens have to utilize their CONSTITUTIONAL right to bear arms, but equates all of them to the bizarre worry that the king of England might try to get into their house.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is the essence of propaganda. He is taking legitimate concerns and attempting to reinvent them as paranoid delusions to suit his own agenda (which I would think by now would be quite obvious despite his protestations to the contrary).

He goes on for awhile about the different tactics he employed and the money he had to cough up to get the goods on his neighbors.

Then he writes the second of the most disgusting sentences.

A state that eagerly puts sex offender data online complete with an interactive map could easily do the same with gun permits, but it does not.

Folks, he actually has the gall to equate legal, constitutional gun ownership to sexual predation.

Comparing law-abiding citizens with no criminal backgrounds to sex offenders is insulting, but it is that upon which we should focus in order to destroy his entire line of reasoning. Legal gun owners are not criminals. No amount of wishing and hoping and praying on his part is going to make this so. They are not criminals. Their desire to possess firearms is for self-defense only. I'm going to go out on a limb and argue that this simply isn't the case for sex offenders.

He closes with an insinuation (and notable lack of evidence) that the elected officials who have concealed handgun permits might use them in a violent manner if they are annoyed. And then, without further ado, presents us with the "gift" of his neighbors' personal information. Name, Address, Issue Date, Expiration Date and Jurisdiction. [The list has now been belatedly removed.]

In the editorial and subsequent comments, he conveniently avoids discussion as to whether the government has any Constitutional right whatsoever to keep a list of law-abiding citizens, much less demand concealed handgun permits of it's citizens in the first place (Hint: it doesn't), but he does not hesitate to state in his comments that he would not support the government compiling such a list if the list consisted of gay men. (See comment #17).

So now we have a little something with which to work.

He does not believe that law-abiding gun owners have the same rights as gay men.

This might seem a little silly, but it's a powerful insight into his personal prejudices. And the fact that he published the names and addresses of law-abiding citizens shows that he is willing to subject innocent people to dangers that even he admits exist. Why? Because he can? This does not seem like a terribly good reason.

One of the strangest things about this is that the very gun-owners he maligns are not put in the hot seat by having their names and addresses published. They're not going to care if someone decides not to carpool with them. The ones he puts in danger are the ones who have a palpable, external threat against them. FBI agents for example. Many of them live in VA and have made enemies while in service to their country. Victims of domestic abuse are another. Mr. Christian seems to live in a dream world where women are damsels in distress with no will or ability to protect themselves. Or maybe the threat of physical harm just isn't a problem in "freedom of information land."

Normally, I don't approve of people having their personals published in retaliation for something.
But I make an exception in his case. I hope it causes him a few sleepless nights, but more importantly, I hope it causes him to reflect upon the nature of wisdom, and I'll even settle for common sense.

Hat tips to Big Dick and The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Instep vs The Arch

The pollen-laden air beckoned deceptively. I felt the call.

I mined out my running shoes from the dank depths of my closet and tied them on. I found some old jogging shorts and squeezed myself into them. Then I googled 'how many minutes should you stretch before running?' The answers varied. I touched my toes a few times.

I couldn't find my sports bra and I hate it anyway, so I mined a rather constrictive minimizer from the dank depths of my closet and tied it on.

I set off.

I returned home and peed and drank some water.

I set off again.

I decided that I would do some fast walking through my neighborhood until I got to the lake, whereupon I would commence the running.

I clipped along through my neighborhood, the very picture of a fast-walking, motivated, soft-bodied suburban mom until I got to the lake.

There is nothing like running to make you realize just how much unwanted jiggle you have been totally and blissfully unaware.

I jogged a few steps and became acutely aware of my love-handles. I jogged a few more and realized that a constrictive minimizer that's just a little too small was NOT going to serve me well.

I crossed my arms over my chest in hopes of curtailing the frenzied bouncing which was starting to seem pornographic.

I jogged haphazardly onward, rapidly metamorphosing into a jiggling, bouncing, panting, red-faced abomination; single-mindedly careening toward a vague destination on the other side of the lake. Dogs were barking, children were crying, ducks were quacking and waddling frantically but wisely out of the way of this heaving monstrosity who, at this point, couldn't have stopped herself from running them ruthlessly over even if she'd wanted to.

The Burning. The Burning.

I eventually had to stop so I could assess just how much air I wasn't able to take into my lungs due to the constrictive minimizer. I also discovered that my running shoes are not really designed for those unfortunate individuals with pronated feet. I was sweating mysteriously harder under one armpit than the other and the pollen-laden air which had chirped so seductively to me had now deposited its allergens directly into my sinus cavities.

No doubt serious runners will give me their spastic, cheerful encouragement (while admiring their taut, toned buttocks in their special mirrors), but I will stoically ignore them and plod on at my own bitter pace.

Saturday, March 10, 2007


Jethro and I will be headed to beautiful North Carolina in 8 days. I'm thrilled. A friend of mine from elementary school is getting married. She came to my wedding, so I am ecstatic to return the favor.

We'll be meeting Angi, her Preacherman, and possibly the rest of her clan while we're there. That should definitely give me something to blog about.

And since I'm running low on things to blog about, I'll go ahead and let you in on a little joke that was played on me by none other than Big Dick and his gal, Evil.

Awhile back, he posted a picture of some man panties bought for him by his Beloved. I posted the following comment:

"True story.

My sisters and I were accustomed to sharing panties simply because there were so many of us. My stepdad's mom sent him some packages of men's bikini underpants. Long story short, he was always complaining that his underwear was disappearing. After some months, we figured out he'd throw them in the wash and they'd end up in the panty pile. Gross I know. But that thong is pretty. I'll wear it since I'm now used to pretty man-panties."

I didn't expect to receive them in the mail, but I did. It was a good joke.

But since I am of a slothful nature particularly regarding laundry, I inevitably ran out of underwear probably a week or two later.

Somehow I'd forgotten that Dick said he threw them in the trash. I thought, "What the hell."

I donned them.

To say they were uncomfortable would be a gross understatement. And I do stress the word 'gross.' I was chaffing pretty much on contact. I can only imagine how they'd be for someone with actual protruding junk.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

I Had Anniversary Sex Before I Realized It Was My Anniversary

Zelda: "....but if you open at This Place, another chiropractor might open at That Place and might give you some competition.

Jethro: "But This Place is still a better location. Better location, better doctor...I'm not worried about competition."

Zelda (admiringly): "I'm gonna suck your toes. I love it when you get all cocky."

[I didn't actually say "toes," but since I'm repeating the coversation verbatim, I feel a little shy about repeating what I actually did say. I did, however, say "cocky."]

We were married 8 years yesterday. Can you tell?


As if I didn't have enough to think about, two of my sisters and I have decided to form our own real estate business. We have decided to target young employed men with disposable income. We feel it's an underserved market.

Winnie: "Since we're all relatively good looking, we need to have our pictures on all our advertisements.

Zelda: "Yeah. And I have really large bosoms. Men love that."

We just need to come up with a name. My brain is so fried with all these important business details that I was actually considering some of Zoolander's patented looks. I had it narrowed down to Blue Steel and Le Tigre before I came to my senses.

So I am appealing to the collective wisdom of the blogosphere (that sounds almost religious, doesn't it?) for ideas. I need a name that is classy and slightly masculine. Something that evokes chrome and martinis without sounding like a gay bar. I'm off to collect information on small businss loans.

Sunday, March 04, 2007


"It was a dark and stormy night and I was drunker than Cooter Brown. I was with what I thought was a woman...."

And so began the story of a native Texan on why he doesn't drink anymore.


I know posting has been light, but trying to get one's life together will, on occasion, come into direct conflict with blog posting.

I wish I wasn't such a procrastinator. I put off everything including getting a clue as to how to help Jethro. He is so ready to go out on his own, but I don't know the first thing about starting a business and he is so busy with the job he has now and his various marketing events that I feel quite frustrated that he has to do all the business planning as well. I try to help from the real estate aspect, but aside from contacting people to go look at different properties, there isn't much that I can do.

So I guess I'll just fluff. I'm fairly talented in that regard, or at least I like to think so.


Gwennie is so funny. She has a little boyfriend that she won't admit to. I found out yesterday from his mom that they almost kissed a few weeks ago when she and Emma were playing at their house. When I talked to Gwennie about it, she said they were playing shark (apparently he was the shark and she was the fisherman). They both fell off the bed and she said they almost kissed then. She said she didn't know they almost kissed until the little boy told her about it later. The little boy told his mom that they were about to kiss and Gwennie put a stop to it.

And Gwennie's so cute when she's around him. My wild little nutball becomes girly and flirty. I watched her eating pizza with him yesterday. She sat straight up and had her legs crossed while she took little dainty bites of her pizza. This from the kid who slouchily destroys her food, the kitchen, and most of the living room at one meal.

They're both such sweet kids that I don't really worry. It's more cute and funny than anything.


In world news, it would seem that Scandinavia is not the Great White Utopia. Good health, low unemployment, generous welfare, stellar education and free healthcare don't seem to be enough anymore. They call themselves anarchists, but they can't seem to wean themselves from the milky milky free stuff. IMHO, they need to learn to change their diapers before they start flinging the contents in support of a governmental absence for which they are clearly not ready.