Thursday, May 31, 2007

Jokes

Gwennie and Emma are in the middle of a joke-telling phase and they are the world's worst joke tellers.

Here's a couple of the best:

Emma: What is a vampire's favorite holiday?

Me: I give up. What?

Emma: Valentine's Day. Get it? Get it? Because boy vampires love to give girl vampires flowers and chocolate and cookies on Valentine's Day.

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Gwennie: Why does it take so many surfers to screw in a light bulb?

Me (apprehensively): I don't know. Why?

Gwennie: Because they like to surf more than they like to screw!

(I made her tell it to Jethro whose eyes just about popped out of his head).

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Jethro was talking in his sleep last night.

Jethro: 11 hours to Hong Kong

Zelda: That far? I thought we were closer. You sure?

Jethro: 11 hours.

Zelda: What are we going to do when we get there?

Jethro: Eat shit and die.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

George Straight Watched Us Pee

Jethro and I had a great little trip. We met up with a few of the TX bloggers, i.e. Jack, Tinyhands, and The Trashman, and Tinyhands' girl, Beth who is from Jersey.



It's cool to see bloggers you've met before. Surprisingly, after the first time you meet (assuming you hit it off) you don't end up talking about your blogs very much. We hung out for awhile at our hotel where Trashman kept us all amused for an hour or two, then went to The Broken Spoke. I drank some Coronas and had to visit the restroom where I was watched by the many staring eyes of myriad George Straights. I suppose there are worse things that could be looking down at you while you are indisposed.

After the Broken Spoke, Jack, Jethro and I hit 6th street. A different vibe is upon it. It's blacker. Probably happened after Katrina. We'll see how it plays out in the long run.

We saw the bearded mayoral candidate in one of his bikinis. He hadn't rammed the bottom up his ass to make a homemade thong this time. However, he did not smell nice.

I drank a lot more and had a decent sized hangover the next day. Jack wanted to go tubing on the Guadalupe River in the worst way and it broke my heart into itty bitty pieces to disappoint him. We went to Luckenbach instead.

I'd always wanted to go to Luckenbach. And that was before I knew the song. All I knew was that a friend of mine went and got so drunk he peed in his hat on the way back home. I knew I must find this magical place and at least have a beer, which we did.

We listened to some music, scoped out a few chicks, and watched Jack eat the biggest corn dog I've ever seen in my life. He took it like a pro, too. I'm a little jealous of his mad skillz.

It's a great place - kind of like a redneck Shangri-la. And that's all I'm going to say about it. You just have to visit.

We left Luckenbach and drove on to Fredericksburg. That is a great little town founded by Germans in the mid 19th century. They have done an amazing job of preserving their town's history and structures. Almost everything is closed on Sundays, and I really wish I'd gotten to see more of it, but that just gives us a reason to go back. Towns like that kind of tickle my fancy, and even though they're not totally Jethro's thing, he really likes it when my fancy is tickled.

So all in all, it was a fun weekend and one that was very much needed. I owe some special thanks to TH, Trash, and especially Jack for giving us such a good time. I hope we can do it again soon.

Friday, May 25, 2007

The molester's kids
Are always roaming the 'hood
Alone and barefoot

I am assuming
They think their father has the
Lock on perversion.

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I don't want to judge anyone by the color of their skin, but.......

Check out the oompa loompa courtesy of hotchickswithdouchebags.com

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Jeth and I are headed to Austin this weekend for some fun. See you on the other side.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Come Back Here So That I May Brain Thee!

In response to my post about feeling depressed (in which people were kind enough to lay out many reasons as to the whys and wherefores), I get this comment:

Zelda, dearest, could this malaise you complain of be somehow related, I wonder, to your unapologetic support for this hideous war in Iraq, an unresolved moral conflict expressing itself in textbook symptoms of neurosis? Unconsciously you identify with the Iraqis, especially the young mothers and children being terrorized by Bush, the "gorilla" of your id-generated psychic theatre. The tears and fantasy of hiding under the bed are obvious impulses toward acting out the daily reality of countless Iraqi households, impulses which your conscious identification with America the Good prohibits you from openly acknowledging. The war is lost however, and hence your gnawing sense of insecurity and hopelessness, feelings which can only be temporarily banished through the sexual banter that characterizes so much of your site content. Remember, Zelda, you can erase this comment but your conscience -and your unconscious- will be with you always. Gordon Tryon 05.23.07 - 1:38 pm

First off, I know I could erase your comment seeing as how it's my blog and all, but I'd never let you off that easily.

So allow me to respond:

Dearest Gordon,

Where did you attend medical school, because I think you have a point. I think I would be much happier and more secure if Saddam were still in power, starting wars with our allies, murdering political dissidents, plotting the assassinations of our presidents, having discussions with Abu Mussab al Zarqawi, bilking the UN out of billions of dollars, and starving his people while he built palaces. I'm sure I could rest much easier at night in the self-righteous knowledge that the dirty little brown-skinned people of Iraq were being terrorized indefinitely by a monster of their own culture as opposed to fighting Islamic fundamentalists for freedom and democracy. I wish I'd thought of it sooner.

So I'm revising my stance. We stupidly let Saddam swing so we'll have to find us another dictator, but I support his installment as soon as possible. As soon as Iraq gets back to the old routines of carefully crafting their words and actions to avoid rape and torture and death at the hands of an all-powerful government, the better.

Now in the interest of full disclosure, I had bouts of depression during the Clinton administration as well. But that probably had nothing to do with politics because there were no terrorist attacks or wars during his tenure.

So thank you for your professional expertise and allow me to return the favor:

Gordon, dearest Gordon: Get out of your house. Go get a beer and engage in some sexual banter before you make an even bigger fool of yourself. You're obsessing over politics and seeing political specters where there are none. It has distorted your perception of reality.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Trying Times

So just when I'm in the frantic stages of trying to pack up 7 years worth of crap, a pipe to the water heater starts leaking a stream of water into the garage. Then I discover that the water has leaked through the wall and onto the carpet of our bedroom, soaking it, and making it smell not-so-poppin' fresh. Then one of the blades to the living room fan flies off which will necessitate the purchase of another one. Then the 'Check Fuel Cap' light on the brand-new Pilot starts lighting up for no reason whatsoever. Then Jethro's car gets a flat. Then Jethro couldn't get the flat tire off the car. Then the main computer conks out completely. I think it has a virus which means we wasted a damn fucking lot of money on Norton.

I'm now going to go take a shower and shave a my legs a little.

I'll let you know if the roof collapses.

Monday, May 21, 2007

So Let's See What's Going On In The World Today:

Lebanese army shells refugee camp . Those Christian bastards. Oh wait. They're actually bombing a Syrian backed al-Qaeda linked group who seem to be using the refugee camp as a base of operations for attacks on Lebanon. That can't be right. Surely those good, peaceful Muslims would never put innocent refugees in harm's way. And surely the AP wouldn't try to obfuscate that fact with a misleading headline....

Oh, and they seem to have found the headless bodies of our troops who were captured in Iraq. The bodies were said to bear the marks of severe torture. I guess they found some panties on their heads. Oh no. Wait. They didn't have heads....

Let's see. What other pressing news are we missing because of all this nasty war business...here we go...Yahoo's big story: 45 million vote for updated seven world wonders. This is very important information to have. Some Egyptians are pissed.

Iran is protesting a Cannes Film Festival entry by a woman who living in Iran during the Islamic Revolution. They said it's a (horror of horrors) "political act." And everyone knows how they feel about political acts. And just so everyone knows, they don't arrest women who show their hair. They just "talk" to them.

Friday, May 18, 2007

Strike 7,867,960,071 Against Public Education

A panel from the University of Colorado's Conference on World Affairs met at Boulder High School for a frank discussion of sex and drugs with the students.

Here's the money quote from the Denver Post: "I'm going to encourage you to have sex, and I'm going to encourage you to use drugs appropriately," panelist Joel Becker, a Los Angeles clinical psychologist, told the students. "And why I am going to take that position is because you're going to do it anyway." (source)

You're getting sleeeeepy, sooooooo sleeeeeeeepy. When I count to three, you're going to have sex and use drugs appropriately. With me. One...Two...

How exactly do you use drugs appropriately? And who the hell wants to have appropriate sex? Maybe he's trying that new-fangled reverse psychology. What an innovator.

The article goes on to excuse this moron by quoting another moron who says, "When you're talking to high school students about these issues," Palmer said, "I think there is a responsibility on the part of adults to be informed and to be candid."

That was informed? Candid? Did he discuss genital warts? Because nothing will explain things quite so thoroughly as an ass full of blisters.

There is a responsibility on the part of PARENTS to be informed and candid. You, on the other hand, could be a pervert who gets his jollies by talking about sex with minors. And another of my responsibilities as a parent is to make sure you don't have access to my kids until I know for sure you don't have an ulterior motive.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Because Everything Is Backwards in Cincinnati

My sister and I were watching a clip of Dustin Diamond aka Screech from Saved By the Bell getting ripped a new one by that drill seargent on Celebrity Fit Club (thank you, Blowing Smoke). It was pretty good. We started discussing how Screech had been in porn and I told her he had participated in (and I'm not exactly sure how because I would rather poke out my eyes with poisoned darts than watch it) a Dirty Sanchez. She didn't know what a Dirty Sanchez was. I had no desire to tell her outright, so I looked it up on urbandictionary.com and let her read the definition (apparantly they can be confused with a Dirty Rodriguez, which was interesting.)

Now once you look up something on urban dictionary, you can't help looking up a few others. The Cincinnatti Bowtie (the concept, not the actual act) has now given me hours of mirth.

So gentlemen (Tater excluded because if he could mount titties on his wall, he would): would you ever want to be the giver of a Cincinnatti Bowtie?

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Blech

I feel the depression coming on. I can't figure out what triggers it, but suddenly I'm fighting back tears for no reason at all. I don't so much want to crawl under the covers as I want to crawl under the bed and hide. I feel like I have gorilla arms that are holding 100 lb weights. The malaise and self-doubt are the worst part.

I start feeling that I shouldn't be married to Jethro because he deserves someone much better, but he would rather live through decades of torture than be dishonorable and break up with me. I know it isn't true (he would definitely leave me if he wanted to) but it nags at me and adds a few more lbs to the weights in my gorilla hands.

I want to have a tangible quality that I can bank on - a hot bod, an immortal record of my intelligence, or at least stellar hygiene. I'm not fussy.

Friday, May 11, 2007

Time to Kick Some Ask

This intermittent internet access is really starting to bug me, plus we have a lot going on, so I'm imploring tolerance.

Jethro and I have decided, barring some unforeseen windfall, to sell our house, move out to my parents' house, and start the clinic. I want to have the house on the market by the beginning to the middle of June, so that doesn't leave me with a great deal of time for blogging silliness.

We've thought it through, and it would be better to have the business than the house. But as much as I dislike my house, I'm going to miss it. Oh well. Sacrifices must be made.

Not much else is going on. We thought we were going to get some hail last night. We made room in the garage for the Pilot so the hail wouldn't get it. But true to Murphy's law, the storm went right the hail past us. But for some on the north side, it was hail on earth.

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Now let's have some fun:

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Howdy Folks!!!

Whew!!! I needed that little break. Posting may be light again due to the fact that my computer is fucked up beyond belief and I haven't been able to blog on it in months. On top of that, a power outage took out the router for Jethro's laptop - insert a logical explanation for why I have no internet access from it and don't make me get all technical because then I'll look stupid.

Anyway, I had a great birthday. I went out on Friday night with my sisters and made friends with Patron. I spent most of my actual birthday trying to decide whether I was going to vomit or shit - delusionally thinking I had a choice in the matter. All my plans to hang out with friends on Saturday went by the wayside, and I had a quiet dinner with Jethro and the girls as soon as I was able to keep down water and ibuprofen. It was better that way.

So thank you all so much for the kind birthday wishes and especially to Trashman who called and sang "Happy Birthday" in his beautiful baritone.

Friday, May 04, 2007

Bring Out The Gimp

Jethro is the greatest guy in the entire world. But he sucks at planning surprise parties.

It’s enough that I allow him to work 12 hours a day in unpleasant conditions to support me and the girls in the manner to which we have no business being accustomed. Do I have to plan my own parties too?

I’m afraid I’m going to have to punish him in intensely sexually gratifying ways.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

It's Like An Introduction To Pot









Recognize Stockard Channing?




And my very favorite:


Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Question for the Universe

What good are 30 minutes of non-stop country if it all sucks?

I heard that song by Carrie Underwood the other day about her boyfriend cheating and the revenge she takes on his car for it. I can't remember the name of it, and I'm too lazy to look it up. I hate that song and here's why: The tune is great - especially for a country ditty. They're not often sung in a minor key. But the words! My god the LYRICS!!! It's bad enough to revive the whole idiotic controversy of there being a double standard when it comes to women and violence as opposed to men and violence, but I'm uncomfortable with the idea that a relatively good-looking girl who's cool enough to shoot whisky would feel the need to destroy someone's car for cheating on her.

If she (who could probably have her way with any drunk, young, male hottie) would go that nuts, just what will the rest of us ugly girls do - you know, the ones who might not find retaliatory cheating to be such a simple matter?

Sometimes I think it's so lucky we have vaginae*. Because if we only had our personalities to work with, the human race would die.

*(I'm glad I used spellcheck because I had no idea the plural of vagina was vaginae. Now I just have to figure out how to pronounce it.)