Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Indulge me, it's my birthday

I am not having a good day.  My back is killing me.  Jethro is working on it whenever he can squeeze me in, but it hurts really badly all down my left side.  Also, I don't want to be thirty...gulp...three.  Yes I know people are older than me, but I don't want to do it.  I pretty much want to be 12 except with my kids and Jethro.  And I know that sounds icky, but it's how I feel.

And we're buying a house.  We accepted the counter offer last week, and the inspections will be this Thursday.  I have cold feet like anything.  I mean, it's nearly perfect.  It's 2500 sf, 4 bedrooms, 2 and a half bathrooms (you have no idea what a happy thought that is), enough room for our furniture and entertainment center, it's on a gigantic, nearly half acre cul-de-sac lot.   It has a gorgeous view from the front door and the master bedroom.  It's in a very large, but very pleasant, low-key subdivision, and miracle of miracles, it was in our price range!!!

But I'm scared of it.  It intimidates me.  It's this giant house on a hill - the first thing you see when you turn down the street.  It stands out and I'm not quite sure what to do with it.  I was excited to move into a trailer and now I find myself trying to buy a freakin' mansion.

I didn't sleep well all last night worrying about it.  What if we hate the neighbors?  What if there is a mudslide and the house disappears?  What if we have a severe reversal of fortune and go bankrupt? What if I get in great shape from lugging groceries up a hill and up stairs?  What if no one wants to buy it when Jethro and I retire?  What if I go totally insane with self-doubt and burn it to the ground while I dance around outside, naked, with a martini, screaming Shakespeare and Bible verses?

I have a million things to do.  I even have a list.  I never have a list, but today, I have a list.  I want a drink so badly, but I have to drive a million miles today.  I should get going.  I should.  But I want to write more.  I've missed it.

I should write about the bridal shower I helped put on over the weekend.  I made this champagne punch that was awesome.  I fibbed and said I had a recipe, but really I just made it up.  It wasn't on purpose that I made it up.  They didn't have the stuff I needed at the store, so I had to wing it.  But if it turned out badly, I wanted to have someone to blame it on, so I said it was a recipe.  But it actually turned out pretty good, so I should have just kept my mouth shut.

And another time I should have kept my mouth shut was at the shower when we were playing games because I ended up saying "ass cream" in front of the bride's mother.  I blame the champagne punch.

After the shower, we went to the bachelorette party.  I'd rented a limo driven by a man named Kenneth Cole.  No lie.  He had a cooler in the limo stocked with Bud Light and Bartles and James pineapple wine coolers.

It was fun.

The bachelorette party was weird because the bride had requested that it be classy.  And we were classy.  Horribly, boringly classy (for a bacelorette party) and yet we still seemed gauche.

Just think if we'd been wearing penis necklaces!

And I didn't get checked out once.  That was even more depressing.  Usually I can get someone to glance my way, even if they look away immediately, but not that night.  I passed a guy in a very tiny hallway, and not only did he not look at me, he turned his head when I looked at him, as if to say, "I don't want your drunk ass even thinking for a second that you have a shot with me."  As if I wanted one!  Usually I prefer men who are over 4' 11" and who don't comb their hair into phallic little spikes.  And that made me even more sad.  I couldn't even get a first look from a fucking midget.

I'm going to go now.  The sooner I can get things done, the sooner I can drink.


Joe said...


Some thoughts...

1) Recommend if you dance around naked etc... to make sure you have toned up a bit. In my experience this is crucial.

2) NEVER be anything BUT Gauche at a bachelorette party. Nobody ever talks about the ones where everyone was genteel... people want a good trashy story.

3) Your anime icon girl with the eye patch turns my head, I see no reason why you shouldn't. But my wife would not appreciate my trying to sleep with you, so from that point of view I'm pretty much safe territory. A bit of harmless flirting, a couple of jokes, and once I get tiresome you just yell "OHMYGAWD ANASTEROIDSCOMINGSTRAIGHTFORUS!!!! and when I turn to see my impending demise you just walk away. I'm pretty slow on the uptake and will not notice you have left for maybe the first 70 seconds or so.

4) I'm 46. I remember being 12. It wasn't all that much fun. I couldn't drive anywhere and my mom paid for all my models and toys. Now I can drive and I pay for my models and toys... which means I get a higher quality of model and toy, but I spend a ton in gas-money. If only some president would come along and sweep me off my feet and plant me into a Prius or something....

5) There is no #5, that was just a false alarm.... I'm really sorry for that.

6) Going back to the bachelorette party, were you by any chance wearing a halter top and those swooshey pant-thiongies that look when you are standing still like a dress, but are actually pant-legs?

I hate those.

But the halter top is probably not bad on you. I'm not sure right now. I just don't like the way they look on me.

Well, anyhow, it's been fun. Hope you had a happy birthday after all was said and done.

Zelda said...

Wow! That comment might have actually been nuttier than my post! And I appreciate that.

Let me respond:

1.) If I was in the frame of mind to dance around naked while I burned my house to the ground, being toned would not really be the concern.

2.) I tried to be gauche, but no one around us was having it. That was actually the first bachelorette party I'd ever been to.

3.) I just don't want crazy people knowing what I really look like. My anime girl does not bear a great deal of resemblance, but I could put an eyepatch on her and give her fuzzy eyebrows (which you can't see), so there's that. And it would be very hard to sleep with me as I am one of the undead and have no need of rest.

4.) I am 33. I remember being 12. I don't like driving. Going nowhere fast with this one.

5.) I don't have a 5 either.

6.) No. I had on my special bachelorette party size 18 muumuu with attached turtleneck. I was hot. And I'm sure you look just fine in a halter. Probably brings out your eyes.

Anyway, thanks for your comment. I had a nice birthday.