Friday, April 15, 2011

Oh For The Love Of...

I visited the eye doctor yesterday and got the spankiest new pair of eyeglasses.


I also found out I have something called Pigment Dispersion Syndrome, which is where the pigment in the colored part of your eye flakes off into the fluid which can clog in the drainage ducts of your eye which increases pressure and can lead to glaucoma.

Now of course, the second I get the news, my hypochondria kicks into hyperdrive and I'm convinced I have blind spots and I feel like my eyeballs are about to pop out of my head.

And even more pathetically, I'm worried slightly less about the glaucoma and possible blindness than I am about having a milky eye.  I don't want a milky eye.  I may not win the blue ribbon at the county fair, but I'm a little vain about not having a milky eye.  

I just don't know how I'd handle being introduced to people and having them not look at my milky eye.  I'd probably do something awkward like say, "Hi, my name is Zelda. I have a milky eye, and I'm totally fine if you want to stare at it.  Or not.  I'm cool.  Just because I have a milky eye doesn't mean I'm not cool.  Fucker.  You try living with a milky eye and see how you like it."

But it might be totally worth it if I get to look at Jethro seductively through a colored contact and ask "with or without?"  That poor man.  I'll have him up to his eyeballs in midgets and glue (and chocolate for me) yet.

And to top it all off, doing anything that jiggles your eyeballs around can cause more pigment to dislodge, so I was told that I am not supposed to exercise.  I have been waiting all my life to hear those words, but of course they come just after I find an absolutely flipping fantastic sports bra 



and began draggin' my wagin around the block so I can do a Warrior Dash in November. It really is almost epically bad timing.

19 comments:

MCPO Airdale said...

No exercise leads to a spread amidships. I would ask the Doc to recommend some low impact stuff so you don't end up with the silhouette of the USS New Jersey.

Carry on.

Anonymous said...

I was gonna do the Warrior Dash, and then honestly realised my hip and knees couldn't take it.
Maybe next year I can get a doc to hook me up with some Ketamine so I won't give a shit about the pain.

I guess my real question is: Is it chocolate, or just plain ol' white milk?

Anonymous said...

Shit, Zelda. That was me.

Dick

LC Aggie Sith said...

You are looking at this totally wrong. YOU will have the most entrancing eyes around since they will be very unusual.

Silver lining, baby!!

angi said...

wow never heard of that.  at all.  that kind of stinks.  but the no exercise part I could really appreciate! lol.  I just got these frames, and TOTALLY rock em!  http://www.coastalcontacts.com/glasses/frames/carmen-marc-valvo-lourdes-red/prod26888.html?rsView=1

Anonymous said...

And you totally lied about the midgets!

Dick

Zelda said...

It's more like the USS Rhode Island right now.  I certainly don't want to spread into Jersey territory.  I'll just try to avoid anything that makes my eyeballs jiggle or bulge.

Zelda said...

You know, I knew it was you.  Do it with me and we can tiptoe through it.

Zelda said...

A milky lining, maybe.  But as long as it isn't rheumy too.  I don't think I could work both milky and rheumy.

Zelda said...

Those are way cute.

Zelda said...

I might have been a little misleading.  Can I make up for it with a milky eye?

Blackiswhite, IC said...

Midgets are cool.  Make sure they have flat hats, though.  You need a place to set your drink while they are taking care of business.

And when they're done, you can ask 'em to sing "Follow the Yellow Brick Road."  They love that.

clintbird said...

Zelda, I think you are needlessly worrying about this milky eye problem. It seems to be there's a simple solution if you're uncomfortable when people notice your milky eyes. Simply always carry around a fresh package of Double Stuff Oreos. If their stares are concerning you, immediately tell the offenders to help themselves to some cookies. This technique is guaranteed to get their mind off your milky eyes and onto stuffing their cookie holes.

You're welcome.

PattyAnn said...

Sun. Glases.

Teresa in Fort Worth said...

Guess you'll just have to wear an eyepatch fer realz, huh?

Zelda said...

Oh yes!  And Lollipop Guild!  My favorite.

Zelda said...

But I think I'd be cautious of cookies distributed by someone with a milky eye, at least until I knew what was causing the milky eye.

Zelda said...

Maybe I just won't ever take them off.

Zelda said...

Sadly, I'm already designing it in my mind.