Sunday, March 11, 2012

The Immortal God-King

So the mildly hoped for son and heir is not to be. Unfortunately the news coincided with the death of our last male rabbit leaving Jethro once again, the sole representative of his gender in the family. This resulted in a night of heavy drinking culminating in a rather stunning display in his underwear at the top of the stairs during which he beat his chest, did a couple of interesting squats, and proclaimed himself the immortal god-king who, in his generosity and benevolence, would spare Mother Earth of any male descendants so as not to overwhelm her with the sheer potency and so end the human race in a fiery explosion of quivering lust. Whereupon he collapsed in a sweaty heap of sobs and scotch, a shard of my cosmetics mirror clouded with a faint dusting of mysterious white powder, and an empty bottle of Zyrtec. I'm not saying he did and I'm not saying he didn't, but the allergies are bad this year.

And the immortal god-king is not getting much in the way of carnal satisfaction either. Because, you see, I vomit every time I come. Except for once when I cried. Really cried. Big, hot, wet tears. He said he thinks he prefers it when I throw up. It's really very weird, because I can't not come. So now instead of witty repartee, or at least some well-timed Dumb and Dumber quotes, foreplay consists of me vigorously massaging the muscle that aches the most, which coincidentally runs right through my left labia, and his eyes glaze over at the memories of our odd but robust sex life, and he says hopefully, "Kick his ass, C-Bass?" And I say, "Shut up, your child is killing me, and if you come anywhere near me with that minty, meaty smell of yours I'm going to rip out your jugular with my teeth," to which he replies, "You only live once."

4 comments:

angi said...

OMGOSH that totally made my night!  Sorry to be laughing at your distress, but I totally needed it!

Zelda said...

No worries. If I didn't want to make you laugh, you wouldn't have.

Trashman said...

You have 2 other ways oh pleasing Jethro. Face it this about him not you. Just get some knee pads and let him pick an end. Also since you're using a midwife you're automatically a hippy. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but somebody needs to be honest with you.

Zelda said...

Humph. Just for that I'm going to show you a way cooler lighting tattoo made with real lightning.

http://www.neatorama.com/2012/03/03/human-skin-struck-by-lightning/