Thursday, May 18, 2006

Clandestine Meeting On A Display Toilet

I think part of the reason my life seems to have taken a serious turn is because I'm staying with Jethro's grandmother. She is so frail that I'm afraid she is going to go any minute. I check every so often to make sure she's breathing and I try to get her to eat when she is awake. She has a morphine patch, so she sleeps a great deal. It isn't difficult, but it's emotionally draining. I worry about her every second - kind of like a newborn. Everyone is expecting her to pass on at any moment, but I think she will hang around for awhile. The doctors gave her 3 weeks and that was 3 months ago. I think she might not have what they say she has. But what do I know?

Anyway, she is a darling little old lady. Ever the hostess, she will set food out for me even as I set it out for her. And she does the dishes. Jethro says to let her do it so she will feel useful. I agree, but I feel a little guilty.

On a lighter note, I got a hair cut and color the other day. No more Something About Mary hair.

The morning of the big Cut and Color, I had not washed my hair because supposedly color stays better if your hair isn't washed. Suffice it to say, my hair was disgusting. I couldn't get the tangles out so I said "fuck it, I'm paying them to deal with it" and I left. The salon I went to was quite fru fru. They asked me if I wanted anything to drink so I had a Perrier. The girl who came out to cut my hair looked like she was straight out of high school. I almost said, "Can I have the fag instead?" but political correctness won the day and I didn't let my prejudice of youth stand in the way.

The girl did a great job on my hair. She was slower, but she did it right. My eyebrows were another story.

I need to get them waxed badly. My mother-in-law usually does them. But she asked me if I wanted to get them colored to match my hair. I said that would be okay, but don't make them the same color - a little darker than my hair would be just fine. Needless to say, I ended up with big, bushy red eyebrows. I looked a little like Animal from the Muppets. I didn't have to pay for it, and they attempted to die them darker, but it didn't work. I guess I'll just have them waxed smaller and hopefully they won't be so noticeable.

On another unrelated note, has anyone ever wondered what it would be like to have sex with someone who just happens to cross your path. I do that ALL THE TIME. It's sick. It's never anyone I know, it's always random men. They aren't necessarily good-looking, they're probably married, and their pants are always of a polyester/acid wash variety. Nevertheless, I always wonder just what it would take to get them off.

Big Dick reminded me of home improvement stores. This is where the curiosity strikes hardest. I always wonder just what might persuade a guy to do it in one of the display bathrooms - right up against one of the display toilets.

The best part about this is imagining the look on each guy's face after I make the proposal.

And while I'm being honest, I've always wanted to do Jethro in a men's bathroom. I don't know why. Ever since a colleague of Jethro's was caught doing his girlfriend in a men's room at the Christmas party, I've always wanted to do it too. It really is baffling because it's not as if that poor girl's reputation was enhanced by the incident. "Slut" was probably the mildest thing anyone said about her afterwards.

I suppose I just don't care. Maybe I can add manic depression to my ADD and OCD. That would be cool.

2 comments:

Vince The Prince said...

I love the transission from the fading grandmother to the no-longer-fading hair color. Classy! Not that your hair was fading nor did I see anything wrong with your hair, I'm sure the new "DO" is lovely. Did you take grandma to get her "hair-did"?...I digress.

The true left field was the Floor Display Bathroom Sex...(voice over intercom)"Manuel, mop job in plumbing...Piso Mojado!!!"

You could easily change the K-Mart Blue Light Special to the Home Depot Red Light District Special.

Zelda said...

It's so cute how you spelled transition "transission." You wanted to say "transmission" didn't you?

And just a word of advice. I wouldn't try to analyze my thought patterns/"transissions." It will probably make you slightly nauseous - kind of like showing people photos of your kids in and all nude strip bar.