Sunday, November 28, 2004

I Trust Everyone Had A Nice Holiday

Mine was better than usual. I only fought with one sister, (Wraith) and she is basically certifiable. I gorged on food, and wine, then I happened to glance down at my thighs.

I don't normally contemplate my thighs, as they are my most offending feature. But I inadvertently did, and now I am paying the consequences in the form of a rigorous diet. The diet so far involves only eating half my weight in carbs and avoiding someone's ice-cream birthday cake. Oh yeah, and eating a chef salad while staring longingly at Jethro's plate of all-you-can-eat fried catfish.

The Hell You Say

I went to the mall the day after Thanksgiving. I know. What the hell was I thinking? Well, I'll tell you. The day before Thanksgiving, I had to pick up a few warm clothes for Gwennie and Emma. A cold front came through, and in a city which never gets below 75 degrees, winter clothes can be a little hard to come by. I went to the local mall, and was informed by the salesgirl that they were having a massive sale on Friday from 7am to 10am. She also mentioned that the mall would be open at 5am because the toy store was going out of business and they had discounted everything.

Now, being half-Jewish and half-Scottish/Euro-mutt, it only stands to reason that I would be rather tempted. The day after Thanksgiving dawned cold but humid. Really disgusting. I kissed the slumbering Jethro, and headed out the door at about 7 am. There was no way I could move myself before that.

I arrived at the mall, which didn't seem too crowded, and I headed off to the store where I had bought Gwen and Em's clothes. The sale was less than spectacular. It was pretty much ugly sweaters for 25% off. I was sorely disappointed and stalked off in a little bit of a snit. I figured the toy store would make the trip worthwhile. So fucking wrong.

I got to the toy store, which was bursting at the seams with humans and toys. I decided that at least 50% of the mall's inhabitants had squeezed their fat asses into a store roughly the size of my living room. I squeezed my own fat ass in just to see what the fuss was all about. Dear God Have Mercy On The Soul Of The Person Who Decided It Was A Good Idea To Entice Every Sweaty Ghetto Mom On The Southwest Side To A Non-Existent Toy Sale.

Being meticulous about spending money, I had researched the prices of toys on the internet. The store was naturally sold out of all the toys that the girls wanted, and nothing else was on sale enough to justify standing in a line that wrapped around the entire store twice over. There were signs of a riot when I oozed my way out of there.

I found a sale at a usually quite expensive store. They had marked their usual "so far out of my league I'd need a telescope to see them" prices to "just outside of the high end of my price range" prices. I bought a few things for the Eldest since she is in big school now. Baby still paints on her clothes, so she gets the scruffy hand-me-downs. Sorry kid.

Anyway, it was a day worthy of note in that I will never again be tempted to uphold the ridiculous tradition of getting porked by Capitalism the day after Thanksgiving.

5 comments:

Angi said...

ROFLMAO @ "Dear God Have Mercy On The Soul Of The Person Who Decided It Was A Good Idea To Entice Every Sweaty Ghetto Mom On The Southwest Side To A Non-Existent Toy Sale."

That is too funny, I could see you squeezing into that toy store with the greasy haired, toothless women, fighting over the last "Barbie does Dallas" doll...oh the picture you painted for my brain.

Glad you had a good holiday

the real bitterman said...

Ain't it the truth......

I bought out of the Madison Avenue trap years ago never to return. Pretty soon, if the dogshit filled balance sheet warriors have their way, we will have Xmas from January to December.

The spirit of the holiday is were the heart is, not where the pocket book opens.

Love your blog.

the bitterman

Inanna said...

This is why I shop online as much as possible. Its worth the $15.00 shipping costs to not have to brave Wal-Mart or the mall. I probably save that much in gas not having to sit in traffic. We have plenty of winter clothes up here; I'll ship some if you need it :)

Katrina said...

Hahahaha! You said "Porked". I love that expression.

COMMENT THIS said...

On : 11/28/2004 3:06:55 PM Zelda (www) said:


These comments seem to be working again, so have at.

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On : 11/29/2004 11:47:42 PM Seven (www) said:


I think my "Next Blog" button has a problem, why does it never bring me to cool places like this, all I get is a veritable invasion of the browser snatchers, with miserable, out dated and very difficult to read colors in tiny print against neon backgrounds trying to hide the lousy, uninteresting content. Thank tinyhands for the linkage here