I don't really know how to title this post. My friend Carrie, who is 6 months pregnant, and I were robbed by two men with guns in my driveway. It happened just over an hour ago.

I like to shop at Walmart late at night. It's quiet, and the white-trash, fat-trucks are at a minimum. It is, however, a very stupid idea as three young black men can follow you home in their stolen shit-mobile, and drop off two of them who will come running up with bandanas and guns demanding your purses.

I wasn't even scared. *Update: One was wearing a blue bandana over his face, and the other was wearing a red one. I thought briefly (and insanely) that the Crips and the Bloods must have merged.* But I just wanted them to leave Carrie alone. If she hadn't been pregnant, the self-preservation fear instinct might have kicked in harder, but I just calmly reached into my car and got my purse and handed it over. I said, "Take it, take it, it's cool, just take it."

Then they ran away.

They made off with about $20 in cash, our cell phones, a few Advil Sinuses, some make-up, our i.d.'s, bank cards (which they never got to use), and a jar of rubber cement (don't ask).

All in all, I don't think it was worth losing your manhood over. I mean really. Robbing a pregnant girl? These animals have real balls.

After they ran off, I ran into the house screaming for Jethro, who was asleep. Poor guy thought they were in the house and grabbed that gun faster than I have ever seen. If they'd actually been in the house, they'd have gotten it right between the eyes.

I called 911 and the police showed up pretty quickly. They took our descriptions of the armed robbers, took inventory of what was in our purses, and put out a call for everyone to be on the lookout. The officer stayed with us awhile and he was very nice and friendly. He said to try calling my cellphone - that sometimes they were stupid and would answer it. I said I would and then I asked him what to say if they answered.

He said, "Just tell them you need your phone back and you'll pay them for it and try to arrange a meeting place."

It sounded like a plan, so I called.

The dumbass answered.

Zelda: "You have my phone and I need it back."

SN: "Oh heeeeell no."

Zelda: "I'll pay you. It has a lot of numbers on there that I need."

SN: "How much?"

Zelda (pulling a number out of her ass): "$500."

SN: "You callin' the PO-leese?

Zelda: "The cops can't do shit and I need my goddam phone."

(Police officer cracks up)

Zelda: "Meet me at the McDonald's on H______

SN: "Oh heeeeeell no. You gonna bring the PO-leese."

Zelda: "Fine. Where do you want to meet?"

SN (shuffling noises, discussion, and idiot giggling in the background): S________ and R_______. Don't bring no PO-leese. We know where you live and we got guns."

Zelda: "I know you do." (Fuckers) "When?"

SN: "Right now. Don't you bring no gun. We'll kill you."

Zelda: "Fine."

I relayed all the information to the PO who relayed it to the others in the area. Maybe they'll find them and maybe they won't. The good thing is that we are all safe and nothing of any real value was taken. Except for some used pantyliners Carrie was carrying in her purse (don't ask). Bet that was a surprise. I hope they're Muslim.