She Tied Him Up

Gwendolyn ties things up. That kid is better at knots than a boy scout troop leader. I find her toys tied to everything - the towel rack, my lamps, her bed, you name it. And she ties them with the strangest things, Jethro's tie being the least of them. I innocently walked into her bedroom to be confronted by Teddy Bear death row. Her bunk bed is a gallows with the corpses of her toys dangling over the side. And then to make it even stranger, she tied the American flag to the bedpost.

Here's the thing. I don't think she is killing them. I think she is saving them for later. I know that doesn't make sense, but I understand what she's doing because I used to do similar things. I just don't know how to translate the bootstrap logic of a 6 year old brain into adult language. It would sound dull and incoherent instead of vibrant and precise.

But she did the funniest thing. She made her own homeade talking teddy bear. I will try to describe it and you'll probably have to read the description a couple of times, but it will be worth it because at the end, someone ends up with a great big black hose up their ass.

She took her brown teddy bear, who for some reason wears underpants, and stuck a rubber hose belonging to an air pump up the back of the teddy bear's britches. She lashed the end that poked out to the teddy bear's neck with a piece of yellow string. She took hold of the other end of the hose, and thrust the teddy bear part into my hands.

"Squeeze it's tummy," she commanded.

She put her mouth to the free end, I squeezed the teddy bear's stomach, and an echoey sounding "Mama!" came out of the teddy bear's ass.

You do think she's smart, right? Borderline evil genius, maybe?