CA

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but there are a whole lot of Californians migrating to the Great State.

I must admit to a certain prejudice against Californians. Bear in mind that I didn't start out with a prejudice against Californians, it was born of years of contact with them and their cheerful flakiness. They're like Canadians with tans.

Let me give you an example of some Californians I've had to deal with recently.

First off, the pregnant valley chick called back.

Zelda: "Dearest Step-Father's Office, who-is-the-light-of-my-eyes-and-the-god-of-my-idolatry, may I help you?"

PGVC - "Like Good News!"

Zelda: "It's the Rapture?"

PGVC: "We have 11% to put down, so we can like, make a bid now!"

Zelda (making a mad beeline for the neckties): "How much was it they said you needed?"

PGVC: 20%

Zelda: "I'm a relatively good person. I help my neighbors when they ask and I've donated money to the local police officers association. I paid my traffic tickets on time and I'm going to start going to Church in the near future. Why must you make me say things that will crush your sunny little dreams?"

PGVC: "Huh?"

Zelda: "We can't help you until you have the entire down payment."

PGVC: "Well we're in like, programs right now."

Zelda: "I'll just bet you are, honey."

PGVC: "Do we have to find another realtor?"

IF FUCKING ONLY!

Zelda: "You could try, but you have to have money to put down or they won't be able to help you either."

PGVC: "Well, we have 11%"

Zelda: "Call me when you have 20%."

Folks, it's enough to make you scream.

But wait...there's more.

We have another client who is buying some investment properties. It is a miracle he has managed to actually make an offer. He is completely indecisive. He is making a trip out here today and I've had to find him a hotel, rent him a car, email him directions everywhere around Houston that he wants to visit, find him restaurants in the vicinity, and locate a running trail. I hate him. He is truly the most helpless individual I've ever encountered. I'm sure if he wore diapers, he'd want me to change them.

This is a typical conversation with anyone but a Californian looking for a home:

Zelda: "Dearest Step-Father's Office, who-is-the-light-of-my-eyes-and-the-god-of-my-idolatry, may I help you?"

Normal Person: Yes, I'm looking for a home in a good school district, low crime rate. I need at least 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms somewhere in the $140s to $160s.

Zelda (in her most helpful voice): If I could get either your email address or mailing address, I'd be happy to send you out a list of homes.

*End of Conversation*

Here is a typical conversation with a Californian

Zelda: "Dearest Step-Father's Office, who-is-the-light-of-my-eyes-and-the-god-of-my-idolatry, may I help you?"

Californian: Hi. I'm a shoelace salesman from California

*brief pause while they wait for me to be impressed*

Zelda (deeply inhaling on her pen): "May I help you?"

Californian: "Yes, I will be moving to Houston sometime within the next year and I want to know a little more about the area."

Zelda (suckered into thinking this sounds reasonable): "What would you like to know, sir/ma'am?"

Californian: What is the weather like?

Zelda: "Well it's pretty hot and humid most of the year. It gets cooler for about 3 months in the winter. It's comparable to Miami."

Californian: "Well I'm looking for something near hike and bike trails and shopping, and...." IT NEVER FAILS..."just a lot of diversity."

Zelda (trying not to gag): "You would probably be interested in the Galleria area or some of the new construction in midtown."

Californian (sounding worried): "We don't want to be in a neighborhood where everyone looks just like us. We're looking for a diverse neighborhood. Are these neighborhoods diverse?"

Zelda (in her best Sunday redneck voice): "There's a n****r on every corner."

And stop.

I would never utter that word aloud. But it is so tempting to just shock the shit out of them and give them something to talk about at their soy-tasting parties.

My biggest source of irritation with the whole diversity bit is that they are so full of steaming crap. The only thought they give to the community is how it will enhance their liberal credibility. They think they are so fucking holy because they want di-ver-sity, when all they really want is Thai food.

I get a perverse sense of satisfaction when I think of how surprised they must be when they come down here and see more Mexicans in cowboy hats and belt buckles than rednecks.

You want fusion? We'll give you fusion. Suckas.