Friday, March 04, 2005

Real Estate Follies

I don't talk about it much, but I hate my job. I'm extremely lucky to have it so I try not to complain, but it is a tedious job and I'd rather be pinching my own nipples.

For the record, I manage my step-dad's real estate office and people who are buying homes are not the coolest people on earth. They are about to plunk down their life savings and things damn well better go smoothly. We are paid a commission to take the abuse when a bank or a title company doesn't have their shit together, if the toilet explodes the day after they move in, or if the bank insults them by trying to verify their funds.

But some people are really funny. And it's always unintentional

For example:

I had a lady from CA call me yesterday. She sounded like a valley girl from the 80s, and she's trying to buy a $50,000 property somewhere near Magnolia, TX. I'd sent her a list of homes (shacks). The conversation went as follows:

Lady: "I like, got the list, and I want to make a bid."

Zelda: "An offer? On which one?"

Lady: "All of them."

Zelda: "I don't understand what you mean. If they accept your offer on all of them, you are obligated to buy them."

Lady: "Well we want whichever one we like, qualify for."

Zelda (realizing this woman is probably off her gourd, yet somehow unable to end the conversation): "But it's not the house you qualify for, it's the loan. How much are you approved for?"

Lady: "The man said like, $50,000 or maybe $5,000."

Zelda (slowly pulling out strands of hair): "Well I think you should find out how much you qualify for before you make a "bid." That would be my suggestion."

Lady: "They said we would need, like, 20% down or maybe it was, like, 50%."

Zelda (taking off her glasses, rubbing her eyes, and fearing the response): "How much money do you have to put down?"

Lady: "Like, nothing right now, cuz we're like, trying to move. We should have more money after we move and like, get jobs.

Zelda (aiming two pens directly at her mad, staring eyeballs): "Well, it will be kind of hard to make an offer if you don't have the money you need to put down."

Lady (sounding a little pissed): "Well I'm kind of on my way to the hospital to have the baby, and I was like, hoping to buy something today before the baby comes."

Zelda (masturbating frantically with one of Jethro's ties around her neck): "It takes some time to buy a home and I think you probably have other things to worry about right now. Give us a call after you have the baby and we'll see what we can do. Good luck."

There is a happy outcome to this anecdote. She is putting the baby up for adoption.

1 comment:

OTHER COMMENTS said...

On : 3/4/2005 11:49:32 AM elliott (www) said:


Fuck.... You know that ignorant bitch can probably vote?

"but it is a tedious job and I'd rather be pinching my own nipples."

That line qualifies as sheer greatness.

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On : 3/4/2005 12:40:21 PM tinyhands (www) said:


Sorry lady, Texas is full. You'll have to move somewhere else.

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On : 3/4/2005 12:58:56 PM angi (www) said:


Zelda in glasses, I had no idea!

I wouldn't want your job for anything, people like that drive.me.in.sane.



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On : 3/4/2005 12:59:02 PM angi (www) said:


Zelda in glasses, I had no idea!

I wouldn't want your job for anything, people like that drive.me.in.sane.



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On : 3/4/2005 1:49:08 PM Gooch (www) said:


In sales, there is nothing worse than having to go through the motions with people that you know are never going to be able to afford what you sell. Makes me want to poke out my eyeballs too.

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On : 3/4/2005 2:01:04 PM Jeanette (www) said:


Oh, shit. I'm sorry. That was you????

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On : 3/4/2005 2:06:36 PM Jen (www) said:


Thank you very much, I was having a shit-fest of a day, and your blog finally made me laugh. From what you described, I can't imagine her getting her stuff together in order to actually move across the street, much less across several state lines.

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On : 3/4/2005 2:08:17 PM Becka (www) said:


I'm from So Cal, and while I try to defend my hometown people like this inhabit about 90% of that whole area. It's all the bleach and surf wax.

I have learned the mistake of never admitting you know more than average about your job. Suddenly you become very popular.

And I hope the masturbating with the tie things pays off.



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On : 3/4/2005 2:09:11 PM Becka (www) said:


And like "things" should totally be "thing" in that last post dude. Sorry man.

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On : 3/4/2005 2:19:22 PM Ciggy (www) said:


I deal with stupid computers, which are often worse than stupid people.


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On : 3/4/2005 4:32:23 PM micki (www) said:


She was blonde, yes?

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On : 3/4/2005 6:31:17 PM Leese (www) said:


Zelda...I'm in the process of buying a home...were you the one I was talking to yesterday about my loan or the trailer...whatever?
Oops...there goes another contraction...



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On : 3/4/2005 6:41:57 PM tblue (www) said:


the tie thing was certainly unexpected. you made me laugh out loud

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On : 3/4/2005 7:01:53 PM (www) said:


Elliot - I honestly don't think she was familiar with the term "to vote" And thanks about the nipples.

Tinyhands - Please, lady. Don't breed here.

Gooch - Doesn't that suck?

Jeanette - Yeah right. I doubt that woman even remembers she talked to me.

Jen - Sorry you were having a rough day. But yeah that woman was a pill.

Becka - 1. Bleach and surf wax - an intellectually damaging combination. 2. I'm insanely popular and that's not just ego talking. 3. I'll let you know.

Cig - I'll have to take your word for it. I know nothing about computers, although sometimes I get the feeling mine is laughing at me......

Micki - I have no idea, but if I was a bettin' gal...

Leese - HOO HOO HEE HEE. BREATHE.

tblue - All part of my master plan.

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On : 3/4/2005 7:03:41 PM (www) said:


ANGI - I don't know how I missed you when you posted twice. But yes, I almost always wear glasses. They're what keeps me from seducing the whole male race. Lesbians on the other hand are extraordinarily open minded.

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On : 3/4/2005 7:05:28 PM Zelda (www) said:


Obviously folks, it were I that posted those last two comments.

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On : 3/5/2005 12:09:30 AM Jethro (www) said:


Babe, uummmm...have you seen my green tie?

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On : 3/5/2005 7:50:47 PM seven (www) said:


i'm jobless, pennieless, homeless and can't give a fuckless, can I buy a nice shack?

funnnny post!

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On : 3/5/2005 10:47:46 PM Trashman (www) said:


My comment disappeared, so I'll try again.
I'm looking for a 32' travel trailer on 3 acres , downtown, with trout fishing. You got anything.

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On : 3/6/2005 11:06:37 AM tinyhands (www) said:


Happy anniversary!

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On : 3/6/2005 1:18:31 PM Zelda (www) said:


Jethro - Somewhere...

Seven - This gal was a pill.

Trashman - Only if you want to buy the River Oaks mansion accompanying it.