Wednesday, October 06, 2004

The Most Humiliating Moment of My Life To Date

Jay is responsible. If you are a good looking guy, and you write "Damn!" under a picture of another man's wife, it stands to reason that the husband will:

a) take it as a compliment, no matter how it's meant,
and
b) consummate the matter as quickly as possible even if it is an awkward moment.

Jethro, being consumed with lust, just had to have it. I, being the dutiful, horny wife said, "Bring It On." We sat the kids in front of Alice in Wonderland with a bowl of pretzels and proceeded to the boudoir. We locked the door and put one of Jethro's 35lb weights (which he only uses for that purpose) in front of the door.

Then...{insert porno music}....we mated. About 6 different ways. Suddenly, mid-hump, with Jethro standing and me on the bed with my arms over my head and my legs around him, the door is flung wide. For the second time in a week, our eldest is a witness to the act of love. Gwennie is standing there calmly informing us that Emma is crying. She wasn't. But Jeth and I were fucked. There was no blanket this time. There was only a pair of Jethro's jeans which we fought for; each madly attempting to cover our extremes with a pant leg. (If jeans could talk...). We both yelled in unison, "GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OUT NOW!!!!" Didn't phase the child a bit. She just stood there possibly in complete innocence, but more likely fascinated by her two naked, bellowing parents. Oh, and Emma was there too. If she wasn't crying before, she was certainly crying now.

Although it is too late to spare Gwennie and Emma the sight of their copulating caregivers, we discovered that Gwennie knows how to unlock the doors from the outside. (All of our doors do that because the girls once locked themselves in the bathroom when they were in the bath while I was getting their towels). And apparantly 35 lb weights against the door are as nothing when compared with a 5 year old's determination.

Perversely, Jeth and I started laughing. You can't help it. Part of it is nerves, and part of it is the amusement that invariably ensues when you have literally been caught with your pants down. Gwennie started crying, believing we were laughing at her.

"No no, honey. You just frightened us, that's all. But now you know not to come into Mommy and Daddy's room when the door is locked. When the door is locked, it means Mommy and Daddy are busy and you should wait until we are finish...er...come out of the room before you ask us a question. Or just knock on the door. But don't open it if it's locked. Ever. Ok, let's go get pizza."

We didn't mention the nudity. She didn't ask. I think she knows.

16 comments:

Inanna said...

OH. MY. GOD!!!! Love your heart, her heart, just love ya'lls hearts!!! And you know, since you posted your pics... it sorta takes on a new meaning when you talk about what happens to ya... :-) You guys ROCK. What a great looking couple and beautiful girls!! I knew Emma looked more like you!!!!

Angi said...

The chest of drawers works best at our house. Tommy moves it in front of the door every time. Our boys are WAY to big for 35lb wieght.

Oh, and Yeah, she knows, more than you think. And now, she has a mental pic to go along with her knowledge!lol.

I have to harrass you, All my boys have busted us at one point or another.

Lisa said...

Man... I think David and I would have to have a bedroom door that could only be locked from the inside. Or have one that requires a key for the outside, and has a deadbolt on the inside. That way, if the kids decided to get smart and lock themselves in our bedroom (and before they got to exploring the toys and porn), we could unlock the door with the key. ;)

It should be a few years before they learn how to pick locks... I would think?

Sloth said...

Have you ever seen Chris Rock's Bigger and Blacker? He talks about the "good jerk" as in masturbating when you know FOR SURE you won't get caught. I wonder how your sex life will improve (is that even possible with you??) when the kiddos are out of the house.

Zelda said...

Inanna - Thanks so much. Emma looks more like me, but Gwennie acts more like me.

Angi - Dresser...hmmmmm. I'll give it some thought.

Lisa - Those little boogers could dig through reinforced steel if they took it into their heads.

Sloth - I have seen Bigger and Blacker, but I don't remember that part. That is ha-fuckin'-larious though. Been caught in the midst of the big jerk though. To this day, I have no idea how. Jeth was supposed to me in Midland, TX.

The only thing that could make our sex-life better would be spontenaity, but I'm willing to forego it for awhile. I think it will be ok.

Jack said...

Oh, man, I live in fear of the day that the blanket's not handy. It could be worse. You could be really into the rough stuff and they'd see daddy punching you and stuff.

And, so you'll have some fun tonight, DAMN!!

Jay said...

glad i could be of service. ;)

Opaco said...

Let us talk when your mother in law (to be) catches you. Talk about embarrasing. She has caught us in the act as well as caught me in the act, alone...hint hint hint...

i long for the day when we no longer have to support her!

Zelda said...

Jack - Always keep one handy

Jay - Fucker.

Opaco - That is the worst thing I've ever heard. I hope you just smiled at her and continued on.

Jenny said...

Oh no, busted again? LOL. It makes me think that maybe I should recheck my lock on the door before my hubby gets home.

Katrina said...

That is too damn funny. Zelda, I laugh, too, whenever I'm scared or embarassed. It's actually a great way to deal. I'm glad you guys can do that!

Jenn said...

As soon as I stop giggling I will comment. Kids are so much fun! Been caught more times than I can count.

wilde_thought said...

Zelda, funny story. You could always get those locks that open with a flat object inserted from the outside and then hide all of the flat, thin objects in the house!

My son caught my wife and I when he was two and a half. He walked up in the middle of the action. My wife and I were under the covers. The next thing we hear is, "Hello everybody." We jumped out of our skins because he normally would sit through an hour long tape without twitching a muscle. When he asked what we were doing we said, "playing tent." Pulling the covers up higher on us he asked if he could play. In unison my wife and I shouted, "No." For months our son would keep asking us if he could ever play tent in our room with us. I could never keep a straight face when he asked.

Anonymous said...

It was funny, but I really hope it wasn't too shocking. Because we were really in plain view. We'd thrown the blanket off our bed and there was absolutely nothing to hide us. At least he wasn't going down on me or vice versa. That would have been worse, I think.

wilde - that is too funny. Playing tent. My parents used "moving the furniture" for years after we had already seen through it.

Zelda said...

That was me.

Jay said...

I saw a link to your post on wilde_thought's blog so I'll comment here as well.

To answer, not really, not yet.

We're trying to raise our kids with a healthy understanding of relationships and sexuality, unlike our parents who told us nothing and didn't really model any sort of passion.

The other morning though boy was sleeping and girl was watching a video in the living room. We were in the spare bedroom and Kitti was rather vocal, so I'm sure if girl wasn't totally transfixed on the video she could hear very well.

Not to worry though since there's a toddler lock on the spare room. ...
But then yesterday I learned that 3-1/2 year old girl has no problem opening toddler locks...

We may have to face this issue sooner rather than later. So far with our recent romance (1000% more hugging and kissing in front of the kids than before) girl has been satisfied with my new standard line, "mom and dad need to (kiss a lot, sleep together, etc) because we're married."

Anyway I like your blog. Please drop by our blog:Jay Loves Kitti