Tuesday, October 19, 2004

ZeldaQuirks

Bear with me if this post is nonsensical. It is 4 am, and insomnia has taken over my life in a very unhealty way.

I used to have no fear of death. At all. I have sprained my ankles more times than I can count jumping off balconies, or out of windows. Once, in a state of complete inebriation, I very nearly jumped off the third story of an apartment complex into a pool. Some random wisp of common sense floated past my alcohol-soaked brain and saved my life.

In college in NH, I had snuck into the boys' dorm one night to hang out. This was extremely forbidden. The RA started making rounds and I decided to leave the building via a second story window. I climbed out (without my shoes in the dead of winter) and skidded down the side of the building kicking a light and shattering glass all over. Luckily the fire escape and the glass broke my fall. I had bruises corresponding to the stair steps up my entire left leg. I couldn't walk for a week, and I was picking glass out of my toes for a month.

I ate a calf-brain burrito in the midst of the mad cow disease scare.

I told a fat girl in Boston that her ass was fat and her fat ass was blocking my view of the stage (where a bunch of bands were giving a free concert) and to move her fat ass out of the way. Luckily she was a liberal who didn't believe in violence, otherwise I might have ended up with my arms broken instead of a black eye. It was cool though. She got arrested. I was drunk, so it didn't hurt until the next day.

In fact, inebriation played a large part in all of my follies.

I also thought the Jackass boys were pussies.

Then. Two children emerged from my pussy, and I turned into a fucking girl. I can pinpoint the moment. I was pregnant with my first and wanted to wear dresses. I'd never worn dresses in my life. The desire dissipated somewhat after the first was born, but after the second one was born, it was there to stay. When I was pregnant with the second, I painted the house in all pastels. PASTELS!! What the hell was I thinking? Fortunately, that was a temporary phase from which my poor kitchen has never recovered from. I can't afford to give it the antidote.

Anyway, since I had the girls, I've become paranoid. A back-seat driver, ever watchful of danger stalking my family. I don't think I've had a good night's sleep since the kids were born. I wouldn't trade it, mind you, but every once in awhile, I get an urge to go get smashed and do something moronic. Nowadays, that translates into going to the Mexican restaurant a few blocks away and drinking margaritas until it is time to slosh our way home.

But what have I traded all the death defying excitement for? A really great guy, and two daughters who crack me up on an hourly basis at least, and who are already showing the genetic predisposition to adventure. I just hope it will be more constructive for them, than for me.

Is it worth it? Yup.

Jethro likes to take the credit for "feminizing" me. Bull fucking shit, man. Being a tomboy was what attracted him to me in the first place. That, and I beatdown 7 guys in a keg stand. And I flashed him.

6 comments:

Jethro said...

Babe - you left the phone off the hook again. Call me

Katrina said...

Hahaha you tomboy, you. Put the phone back on the hook, kegstand girl, your hubby is trying to call you.
P.S. There is no cure for a case of the "pastels". They are relentlessly hard to get over and some are stuck with the disease for life.
Where in NH did you go to school, by the way? I did too!

Zelda said...

I went to the Thomas More College of Liberal Arts. It was strictly Catholic (no girls in boys' dorms and vice versa, as well as a curfew), and there were only about 80 students. If I hadn't been a virgin, it would have been my longest dry spell.

Jenny said...

Ahhh, the joys of motherhood. We never stop worrying.

OTHER COMMENTS said...

On : 10/20/2004 8:20:43 AM Inanna (www) said:


Hahahahahahahahahahahah *Still laughing* Maybe I shouldn't come to Houston... we might not make it out alive!!

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On : 10/20/2004 9:29:53 AM angi (www) said:


Motherhood does that to you.

I have the fear of traveling and us all getting killed in a car wreck.

Never worried about it before, it was nothing to drive 3 hours to Charlotte just to party. Now, I won't go to Charlotte for anything.

motherhood=wimpdom?Nope

motherhood=common sense? Yep.

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On : 10/20/2004 11:00:20 AM matt (www) said:


remind me never to become a mother then, i like my wild ways...

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On : 10/20/2004 11:27:46 AM Zelda (www) said:


Matt. Don't ever become a mother. Seriously. It would hurt you. In ways that are too painful to talk about.

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On : 10/20/2004 11:41:08 AM jp (www) said:


Awww, Zelda's all girly and shit.

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On : 10/20/2004 1:29:59 PM Jeanette (www) said:


I just figured out I've been missing half the party. You have TWO comment areas?? Aren't you special.

And, I know what you're trying to do. You're trying to counter Angi's posts about the disgusting things her children do.

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On : 10/20/2004 1:42:49 PM Zelda (www) said:


Not really, Jeanette. I'm a self-centered, narcissistic bitch at heart and I like to talk about myself. This kind of precludes talking much about my kids in any capacity, although I break the rule from time to time.

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On : 10/20/2004 2:08:24 PM Jeanette (www) said:


Oh.

Well, at least you admit it. And, here half the post that I erased before I hit "post comment" was centered around how you were trying to persuade me to have children to put myself through the incredible pain of childbirth, the inconvenience of babyhood, the annoyance of two year olds .... and on and on. Assuming your one paragraph was all about me. I then erased it because I felt too narcissistic.

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On : 10/20/2004 2:10:15 PM Jeanette (www) said:


oh, and I forgot to say. bullcrap on your dresses moment. that's all about sex. dresses are easier than pants. if you get my drift.

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On : 10/20/2004 2:49:55 PM Zelda (www) said:


Jeanette, you've lost me, babe. Most of my post was about the weird drunken things I did in college. If anything, it's a cautionary tale.

And dresses aren't that much easier than pants. Assuming you're wearing panties, you can get your pants and panties off almost as fast as you can get just your panties off if you're wearing a dress.

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On : 10/20/2004 3:54:39 PM matt (www) said:


i say we have a timed exhibition. zelda in pants and panties vs. jeanette in just a dress and panties.

i'll be there to be the official time keeper. may take a few times through to get accurate results though.

what say?

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On : 10/20/2004 6:28:06 PM trogers (www) said:


It's amazing what having children does, they don't just change your life, and how you live it. They change you.

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On : 10/20/2004 7:06:32 PM Zelda (www) said:


little bastards.

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On : 10/20/2004 7:43:45 PM jethro (www) said:


Babe, it wasn't you being a tomboy that attracted me. It was your....brains. Your big...big brains.

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On : 10/20/2004 9:43:53 PM angi (www) said:


Who wears panties with dresses? Oh..um..that's why its so drafty.

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On : 10/20/2004 10:00:41 PM wilde_thought (www) said:


Are you sad about losing your wild ways?

And my observations have been that both jeans and dresses all come off at about the same rate. But with the dress, as long as it's not completely removed, it's easier to look prim and proper before returning to your table at the bar.

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On : 10/20/2004 10:36:44 PM Jeanette (www) said:


Hey girl, sorry, I was trying to cleverly, beat around the bush that I was being narcissistic. That's all. :)

And, well, long skirts don't need to be removed for the deed to be accomplished. And, so long as you don't wear granny panties (or any at all), that's not much of a problem either.

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On : 11/1/2004 6:54:00 AM jethro (www) said:


Matt - I have no idea if you will ever go back to these comments, but I do miss the wild times on occasion. But, there are also many things I enjoy about life now. Such as a marked lack of insincere drama.

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On : 11/1/2004 9:03:08 AM zelda (www) said:


That was zelda, not jethro

COMMENT THIS said...

On : 10/20/2004 8:20:43 AM Inanna (www) said:


Hahahahahahahahahahahah *Still laughing* Maybe I shouldn't come to Houston... we might not make it out alive!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


On : 10/20/2004 9:29:53 AM angi (www) said:


Motherhood does that to you.

I have the fear of traveling and us all getting killed in a car wreck.

Never worried about it before, it was nothing to drive 3 hours to Charlotte just to party. Now, I won't go to Charlotte for anything.

motherhood=wimpdom?Nope

motherhood=common sense? Yep.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


On : 10/20/2004 11:00:20 AM matt (www) said:


remind me never to become a mother then, i like my wild ways...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


On : 10/20/2004 11:27:46 AM Zelda (www) said:


Matt. Don't ever become a mother. Seriously. It would hurt you. In ways that are too painful to talk about.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


On : 10/20/2004 11:41:08 AM jp (www) said:


Awww, Zelda's all girly and shit.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


On : 10/20/2004 1:29:59 PM Jeanette (www) said:


I just figured out I've been missing half the party. You have TWO comment areas?? Aren't you special.

And, I know what you're trying to do. You're trying to counter Angi's posts about the disgusting things her children do.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


On : 10/20/2004 1:42:49 PM Zelda (www) said:


Not really, Jeanette. I'm a self-centered, narcissistic bitch at heart and I like to talk about myself. This kind of precludes talking much about my kids in any capacity, although I break the rule from time to time.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


On : 10/20/2004 2:08:24 PM Jeanette (www) said:


Oh.

Well, at least you admit it. And, here half the post that I erased before I hit "post comment" was centered around how you were trying to persuade me to have children to put myself through the incredible pain of childbirth, the inconvenience of babyhood, the annoyance of two year olds .... and on and on. Assuming your one paragraph was all about me. I then erased it because I felt too narcissistic.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


On : 10/20/2004 2:10:15 PM Jeanette (www) said:


oh, and I forgot to say. bullcrap on your dresses moment. that's all about sex. dresses are easier than pants. if you get my drift.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


On : 10/20/2004 2:49:55 PM Zelda (www) said:


Jeanette, you've lost me, babe. Most of my post was about the weird drunken things I did in college. If anything, it's a cautionary tale.

And dresses aren't that much easier than pants. Assuming you're wearing panties, you can get your pants and panties off almost as fast as you can get just your panties off if you're wearing a dress.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


On : 10/20/2004 3:54:39 PM matt (www) said:


i say we have a timed exhibition. zelda in pants and panties vs. jeanette in just a dress and panties.

i'll be there to be the official time keeper. may take a few times through to get accurate results though.

what say?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


On : 10/20/2004 6:28:06 PM trogers (www) said:


It's amazing what having children does, they don't just change your life, and how you live it. They change you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


On : 10/20/2004 7:06:32 PM Zelda (www) said:


little bastards.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


On : 10/20/2004 7:43:45 PM jethro (www) said:


Babe, it wasn't you being a tomboy that attracted me. It was your....brains. Your big...big brains.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


On : 10/20/2004 9:43:53 PM angi (www) said:


Who wears panties with dresses? Oh..um..that's why its so drafty.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


On : 10/20/2004 10:00:41 PM wilde_thought (www) said:


Are you sad about losing your wild ways?

And my observations have been that both jeans and dresses all come off at about the same rate. But with the dress, as long as it's not completely removed, it's easier to look prim and proper before returning to your table at the bar.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


On : 10/20/2004 10:36:44 PM Jeanette (www) said:


Hey girl, sorry, I was trying to cleverly, beat around the bush that I was being narcissistic. That's all. :)

And, well, long skirts don't need to be removed for the deed to be accomplished. And, so long as you don't wear granny panties (or any at all), that's not much of a problem either.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


On : 11/1/2004 6:54:00 AM jethro (www) said:


Matt - I have no idea if you will ever go back to these comments, but I do miss the wild times on occasion. But, there are also many things I enjoy about life now. Such as a marked lack of insincere drama.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


On : 11/1/2004 9:03:08 AM zelda (www) said:


That was zelda, not jethro