Occasionally, I will be dedicating, in the manner of Jeff Foxworthy, a line ending with "...you might need to diet." This is not meant to offend overweight people...but it probably will. If it helps, no one would call me skinny. But if you are offended, don't read. Starting......now.
If you are so fat that your ass blocks an entire Wal-Mart aisle, you might need to diet.
True story. I was forced to go to Wal-Mart during peak hours, and I got blocked in from both sides by women who were the size of a horse trailer and a Ford F150 respectively, and neither fat bitch would move. I thought I was going to suffocate. Finally, after I wheezed out an, "excuse me," (trying not to breathe through my nose), one of the ladies lumbered backwards, eyes rolling the whole time. I swear to God, I heard beeping. I moved as quickly as I could, and finally breathed the sweet air of freedom in the automotive section. I hugged Gwennie and Emma in relief and checked out at the garden center. Target better start stocking more poster board.
On to the real subject.
I mentioned my phobia of snakes a few posts ago. It is real and terrifying, and I have no idea where it started. I'm afraid they'll be in the toilet, I'm afraid they'll be in the lakes or the bayous (which they are), but I am afraid to the point of paralysis that there is a huge, horrible snake lurking in our ventilation system, biding his time, and waiting to swallow the girls. It is not a sane or rational fear, and I will wake up drenched in sweat and I will have to force myself to stay in bed and not go check on the girls. Most of the time it doesn't work, and I will go into their room - feeling like a complete moron - just to make sure.
Jethro and I were watching some nature show about snakes before we went to sleep one night. I told him change it to something else before we went to sleep, or I'd have a nightmare. He said he was too tired, or something, and it ended up being the last thing I saw. Well sure enough, I had a horrible dream that Jethro's arm (which he had lovingly wrapped around me) had turned into a boa constrictor. I woke up hollering at full volume, and beating Jethro's arm with all my might. I even thought briefly that I might be dreaming, but I told myself that it was better to be safe than sorry.
Before you start feeling too sorry for Jethro, he did worse to me on two occasions.
The first incident is a kind of prelude to the second.
Back when we were living in sin, Jethro started twitching in his sleep. His hands kept moving in kind of a hurkey-jerkey fashion. I wondered what was going on, so I shook him and asked him if he was okay. With completely dead eyes, he looked at me - DIRECTLY at me - and punched me in the nose. Hard. I was livid. I punched him back and kicked him, but nothing. He was sound asleep. Bastard.
Fast forward a few years. I had learned my lesson that night and now curled up into a little ball in the corner of the bed whenever Jeth started thrashing around. Then, Emma was born. We were waiting the customary 6 weeks to resume the pleasures of marital existence, and I was nursing Emma in bed. Well, in the middle of the night, Jethro started grunting and twitching. I moved over as far as I could, but he had other things on his mind. He pulled his pajama pants half down and rolled on top of me....and Emma. "Jeth, hon, what are you doing? We have to wait! Stop. I'm saying no. In the feminist sense. I'm serious, cut it out!" I looked up at him, and his eyes had the exact same dead look as before.
I was really scared. I had just watched a nature show (damn those nature shows!!!!) that demonstrated how when male elephant seals wish to mate, nothing gets in their way, including the little nursing baby seals. In their mad, insane lust, they will run right over the little babies and smother them to get to the moms. It was one of the more horrifying nature shows I've ever seen.
I was struggling as best I could while holding the baby. I didn't want to push him because I was afraid he'd pop me one again and I couldn't defend myself while I was holding the baby. Finally though, I gave him a gentle, but insistant push with one hand, and he rolled over and went back to sleep. Crisis averted. Whew.
It is funny now, but at the moment...terrifying. I still wonder though, if I hadn't been holding Emma would I have let him? I think probably. :-)
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1 comment:
Night Terrors
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On : 10/27/2004 9:09:08 PM Fleece (www) said:
Oh my. That is pretty funny but reading it, made me scared for you too.
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On : 10/27/2004 9:19:30 PM Inanna (www) said:
My boss did the same thing to his wife... she tried to wake him up and he popped her one. My cousin is very heavy, like you were describing, but she has enough sense to get out of the way and is polite. Too bad peeps are purposefully cruel to her... if they only knew. And hon... stop watching those damn nature shows!!!!
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On : 10/27/2004 10:27:43 PM zelda (www) said:
Fleece - I meant to write it that way, because it was scary at the time. What made it scary though, was that it was COMPLETELY out of character for Jethro. He has always (at least when he is fully conscious) been a very romantic fellow, and a perfect gentleman. Especially after the girls were born. I KNEW he was "sleep-humping" because he had that same completely dead look that he'd had before, and he went right back to sleep as soon as I pushed him off, and he didn't say a word.
I don't want there to be any misunderstandings. I just thought the "sleep-humping" image was kind of funny.
Crap- I may delete this post.
Inanna - There was no insult meant to your cousin, but I honestly believe she is probably quite trim compared to these ladies. And my gripe was more that they wouldn't make room for me to get through, rather than their weight. But they definitely need to do it for their health.
And just for the record, I would never make fun or be cruel to someone to their face. Anonymously and behind their back is, unfortunately, quite another story.
And I can't give up the nature shows. I'm addicted.
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On : 10/27/2004 10:30:24 PM Fleece (www) said:
Oh don't! I thought the post is very funny but like you said, I'm sure it was pretty scary at the time.
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On : 10/27/2004 11:16:55 PM zelda (www) said:
OK.
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On : 10/28/2004 3:02:13 AM Trashman (www) said:
Now thats a funny story. I always said the only good thing about being over weight is you can make fun of fat people without any guilt. So I do. LOL
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On : 10/28/2004 7:46:31 AM Kat (www) said:
Haha Zelda don't delete it, it's funny. My roommate has been told to start crawling on top of her boyfriend in the middle of the night telling him: "humpmehumpmehumpmehumpme!" He loves it...but worries about the moral of it all...
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On : 10/28/2004 10:16:18 AM wilde_thought (www) said:
Zelda, has Jethro ever sleep walked? I'd be careful of him doing harm to himself if he ever started going beyond sleep punching and sleep humping. It is scary when someone is active while sleeping. Had a friend in high school who sleep walked. His parents had to put a lock on the door to keep him from winding up blocks away in the middle of the night.
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On : 10/28/2004 10:23:55 AM zelda (www) said:
I don't think he has ever sleepwalked. These are really the only two times where he ever did anything active in his sleep, and the instances were about 3 years apart.
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On : 10/28/2004 1:05:48 PM angi (www) said:
Oh Zelda, that is too funny.
I share the fear of snakes. I have woke Tommy up many nights making him lift the covers up one at a time to check for any lurking under there.
My sister, woke up one morning to find herself sitting on her husband's face, peeing.
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On : 10/28/2004 1:12:41 PM Inanna (www) said:
*LMAO!!! OMG!!! ---> Angi* Oh, honey, I know you wouldn't be cruel to someone because of their weight, but I noticed that some get an attitude about it, like they WANT you to say something about them... maybe just my imagination. Addicted to nature shows huh? When I have cable I'm addicted to crime shows.
And don't delete this... my ex used to wake up in the middle of the night and want lovin'... sound asleep. Its funny to see their face when you tell them in the morning.
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On : 10/28/2004 1:52:55 PM jp (www) said:
Ang - I would have filed for divorce the next day.
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On : 10/28/2004 2:27:09 PM Jay (www) said:
sleep fucking. hmm.. i wonder what that would be like. would you wake up in the middle of it? what if you mistook the dog for your wife? or does that only happen in arkansas?
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On : 10/28/2004 2:50:59 PM zelda (www) said:
In Arkansas, you only mistake your dog for your wife if you're fully conscious.
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On : 10/28/2004 2:55:52 PM Jeanette (www) said:
The Walmart visual was hilarious. I snickered about that for about 5 minutes. I'm at work, I couldn't LOL. And the word "lumbered back" was so perfect. Even people who aren't huge seem to enter this strange world of ignorance when shopping at Walmart. How many times have I tried to get past someone who has their cart parked across the main aisle?
And the sleep humping? Scary, but hilarious, too. Gives me something to look forward to someday, i guess. LOL.
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On : 10/28/2004 10:40:01 PM Kate the Peon (www) said:
Mmmm sleep humping. I love being woken up for some middle-of-the-night nookie.
I know, not completely related, but damnit, I'm horny.
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On : 10/29/2004 2:22:28 AM jethro (www) said:
Okay everyone, I freaked out a little when Zelda told me these stories. I can't really confirm if they're true....except for the one where I punched her in the nose. I remember her telling me about it the next morning and I told her that I had a dream that I was fighting. So, that makes sense. Now, the sleep humping one....well, I'm just going to have to take her word for it because I don't remember a thing.
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On : 10/29/2004 7:43:47 AM Zelda (www) said:
{sigh} - That's what they all say.
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On : 10/29/2004 7:53:33 AM Jay (www) said:
i hate when they don't respect you in the morning.
by the way, z, jazz is "so not interested in driving downtown at the crack of dawn." and since she is my main squeeze (controller of the nookie supply) i'll be passing on the kerry bashing.
but give 'em hell for us. i'll check in monday and see how it went.
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On : 10/29/2004 3:27:01 PM vadergrrrl (www) said:
Fire, Fire, Fire!
love ya sweetie.
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On : 10/30/2004 11:11:16 PM Jay (www) said:
i lied, i'm checking in now. how did it go?
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On : 10/30/2004 11:17:11 PM tCj (www) said:
So Jeth's more virile, manly, overpowering, controling side comes out when he sleeps? Interesting.... :P
Now, the thing about snakes? I've an irrational fear of anything and everything in pitch darkness. It's kind of a habit for me to wake up, nothing covering me, and pull at [i]soemthing[/i] to place over my neck....yet, vampire stories/movies are the only things i can stand....and spiders? If it's larger than normal, I freak. No tarantulas or spiders larger than the palm of my hand. It's just not natural.
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