Real Estate Follies

I don't talk about it much, but I hate my job. I'm extremely lucky to have it so I try not to complain, but it is a tedious job and I'd rather be pinching my own nipples.

For the record, I manage my step-dad's real estate office and people who are buying homes are not the coolest people on earth. They are about to plunk down their life savings and things damn well better go smoothly. We are paid a commission to take the abuse when a bank or a title company doesn't have their shit together, if the toilet explodes the day after they move in, or if the bank insults them by trying to verify their funds.

But some people are really funny. And it's always unintentional

For example:

I had a lady from CA call me yesterday. She sounded like a valley girl from the 80s, and she's trying to buy a $50,000 property somewhere near Magnolia, TX. I'd sent her a list of homes (shacks). The conversation went as follows:

Lady: "I like, got the list, and I want to make a bid."

Zelda: "An offer? On which one?"

Lady: "All of them."

Zelda: "I don't understand what you mean. If they accept your offer on all of them, you are obligated to buy them."

Lady: "Well we want whichever one we like, qualify for."

Zelda (realizing this woman is probably off her gourd, yet somehow unable to end the conversation): "But it's not the house you qualify for, it's the loan. How much are you approved for?"

Lady: "The man said like, $50,000 or maybe $5,000."

Zelda (slowly pulling out strands of hair): "Well I think you should find out how much you qualify for before you make a "bid." That would be my suggestion."

Lady: "They said we would need, like, 20% down or maybe it was, like, 50%."

Zelda (taking off her glasses, rubbing her eyes, and fearing the response): "How much money do you have to put down?"

Lady: "Like, nothing right now, cuz we're like, trying to move. We should have more money after we move and like, get jobs.

Zelda (aiming two pens directly at her mad, staring eyeballs): "Well, it will be kind of hard to make an offer if you don't have the money you need to put down."

Lady (sounding a little pissed): "Well I'm kind of on my way to the hospital to have the baby, and I was like, hoping to buy something today before the baby comes."

Zelda (masturbating frantically with one of Jethro's ties around her neck): "It takes some time to buy a home and I think you probably have other things to worry about right now. Give us a call after you have the baby and we'll see what we can do. Good luck."

There is a happy outcome to this anecdote. She is putting the baby up for adoption.