Tuesday, May 17, 2005

I Started My Period Which Doesn't Even Begin To Explain My Bad Mood

I updated Payasita. I spent a bit of time on it finding the damn links, but I said pretty much everything I've wanted to.

I started having a shitty week beginning Sunday. Besides receiving The Curse, the space bar on my keyboard up and quit on me. I had to steal the keyboard to Gwennie's and Emma's computer, but it is extremely shitty. Then I had an annoying day with people who speak shitty English. And the crowning irritation was one of Jethro's psychotic relatives insulting Gwennie and Emma to our faces at a graduation party on Sunday. So I'm in a foul mood. And if anyone tells me to go get laid, I'll hunt them down and force them to show me what they mean.

I'll start with the irritating phone caller.

Zelda: Dearest step-father's office, may I help you?

Illiterate Hispanic Woman: Do you speak a Spanish?

Zelda: No, I'm sorry.

IHW: Do you know the price for a the house?

Zelda: Which one?

IHW: I no have a the address

Zelda: I don't have the price. I need an address.

IHW: I could no read the sign.

Zelda: Well, I need the address to tell you how much it is.

IHW: You no help me. I find someone who help me.

Next Grievance:

We were at a graduation party for Jethro's cousin. Jethro and I were minding our own fucking business when his Imbecile Aunt comes up without so much as a hi-howarya and says, "My niece puts your daughters to shame."

I think I resented the lack of subtlety more than the insult.

I turned and looked at her as if she were a urine sample and said, "Interesting." Jethro looked at her quizzically and said, "How do you figure that?" Then both of us looked at each other and started laughing. It was so weird.

Then I turned to my sister-in-law and said, "Did I actually hear what I just heard?" just in case I'd missed some kind of ill-bred, fresh-off-the-boat humor.

My SIL just rolled her eyes and said, "No, she's been doing that all day." Her husband, who has quite the southern drawl shook his head, saying, "Rude, just plain rude." But he was grinning too.

Imbecile Aunt, unable to endure the ridicule, waddled off to offend someone else, and we had a good laugh at her expense, but can you belive it?

22 comments:

noonie said...

Me hands Zelda a basket of rotten fruit... here go hang over the balcony at the Galleria and splat the beautiful people. It's very therapeutic.

Trashman said...

You should really go get laid.

Zelda said...

Noonie - I think you mean the rich people. But I'm more in the mood to start shit with people I actually know. Like Imbecile Aunt. I'll tell her that her niece looks too much like her to be pretty. It'll start a riot. Then I'll thorw fruit.

Thrashman - It is so on.

ALa said...

*brings basket with Los Vascos (3 bottles), double-fudge brownies (2 batches) and Voodoo doll starter kit and leaves it at the door*

Brighton said...

I'll add to ala's starter kit and put in a pair of brass knuckles, a vibrator, and tear gas. Maybe a cheese cake for good measure...
I hate ignorant relatives, gah- don't get me started on that one...

noonie said...

me steals the cheesecake and runs off...

the fruits a gift, if throwing it at Aunty helps more go right ahead.

Cigarette Smoking Man from the X-Files said...

Other people can decide to try to annoy you, but it's you yourself who decides if you'll actually GET annoyed by them. I say let it roll off you like water off a duck's back.

Go get a tantric massage. ;)

Kristin said...

*hands Zelda the chocolate and backs away slowly, as to not loose a finger or get "the eye"*

Angi said...

I say you should sign auntie up for every magazine subscription you come across, get her the two year deal.

Go to the batting cages and hit some balls, name every ball it sends at you you'll be amazed how far you can knock some of those balls.

Angi said...

I forgot, rub your ears, remember that thing Jethro told us about to ease tension, rub your ears.

Jethro said...

About the aunt...Just be glad you didn't have to grow up with it.

tinyhands said...

I'll go trashman one better- I should go get laid.

Zelda said...

Thanks for all the imaginary goodies. But if I get fat off the imaginary calories...Grrrrrr.

Cig - I would never have gotten mad if my kids hadn't been sitting right there.

Angi - the batting cages sound like a good idea. I'll pretend they are her boobs.

Tinyhands - Again with the nuance and subtlety.

Jethro - You have some crazy relatives. I have crazy relatives, but yours have mine beat in pure stupidity. At least the in-laws do. Why can't your uncles marry nice women?

Jammie J. said...

*giggle* Angi said "hit some balls". Heh heh heh. Man, I'm so immature sometimes.

Jen said...

So I am dying to know, what kind of magical accomplishments has this aunt's niece done? Did she graduate from college at the tender age of 8, or did she learn an entire Mozart piece on the piano at age 6? Relatives think they can say anything, but I can't believe she said it in front of the girls. I hope you taught them to stick their thumbs in their ears and wiggle their fingers at her.

Zelda said...

J- Balls

Jen - The kid is three years old and can't even tie her shoes. We taught Gwennie and Emma to laugh at her.

Inanna said...

*cracks knuckles* Somebody dissin' my girls?? I. Don't. Think. So.

But its not the little girl's fault that her mother is a rude bit... person. I know what it was like growing up with someone like that... poor child.

Michelle said...

Man I hate stupid relatives! It's amazing that they think they can say these sorts of things... unreal!

One of Mike's cousins has this wife from hell... when I had our last child (#6) she actually said to me (as I am holding my 3 week old beautiful baby in my arms), "Michelle, when you gonna stop spitting those things out? Don't you think you have enough of them?" This was in front of other family... what a dumbass! I would never make some of the comments that people think they can get away with! How rude!

Zelda said...

Inanna - I didn't mean that I taught Gwennie and Emma to laugh at the little girl, just that stupid woman. I would never hold it against the little girl who is very cute and sweet.

Michelle - What a moron! It's people like that who dehumanize moms.

Johnnie Walker said...

I'm sorry to hear you are in a foul mood. I hope the next day proves to be a better one for you. :)

Cigarette Smoking Man from the X-Files said...

Your kids were THERE?

That's it. It's ON. I suggest martial arts moves, focusing on pressure points.

Qicong.

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