Wednesday, May 18, 2005


Back in college, I knew a girl named Yvette. I didn't like her all that much. She was pretty in an unkempt kind of way, with long, windblown hair. But she always seemed to be in her own world. She was always pouncing on guys and giving them hickeys. It was funny the first hundred times, but it got old. It just made everyone feel awkward. One time someone got carried away and grabbed her tit and she got upset. I didn't feel very sorry for her.

But another time a group of us had gone out for a smoke break while studying for a test. Somehow, there was only one book of matches amongst the lot of us. One of the guys was trying to light the match, but kept fumbling. After trying several times to light it on the matchbook, Yvette plucked it from his hand and in one rapid, fluid motion, struck the match firmly on the sidewalk and lit her cigarette. She handed the lit match back to the guy, who stared at her in silent admiration, and walked off.

That was cool.


Angi said...

She was cool in a "grease" sort of way. That is the best cool to be.

Day Dreamer said...

That's kind of like when Bugs Bunny would drop a brick in a glove and say to Yosemite Sam, "That is an iiiiiinnnnsult!", then smack him with it, knocking him senseless. I love Bugs. And it's not really like that, but for some reason, that's the image that popped into my head when thinking of coolness.

Boobabe said...

There is a cool side to everyone, we just don't always get a chance to show it.

Michelle said...

I've never done anything that cool... maybe one day ;)

Kristin said...

I was never that cool. Damn it!

Brighton said...

I was never that cool either. Matches and fire always scared me too. That's not cool.

jp said...

Dear Yvette by LL Cool J

Verse 1

Yo Yvette, there's a lot of rumours goin' around
They're so bad, baby you might have to skip town
See something's smellin' fishy and they say it's you
All I know is that you made it with the whole damn crew
They say you're a man-eater during the full moon
Mascot of the senior boys' locker room
They said Yvette walked in, there wasn't too much rap
Her reputation got bigger, and so did her gap
Cuz girl your momma shoulda taught you better
I'mma sit down and write you a long letter.


Dear Yvette x4

Verse 2

I'm glad you ain't my sister, then again if you was
I'd have to treat you like you was my distant cuz
I'm not a news reporter, I don't mean to assume
What should I think? I seen ya comin' out the men's bathroom
You wasn't in there alone, wasn't usin' the phone
The door was locked for twenty minutes, all I heard was "Moan".

Repeat chorus

Verse 3

I don't really know if the story is so
I can either ask Curly, or Larry or Moe
or Earl, Shabazz, Lou, Mookie or Joe
Like Santa Claus said, you're a ho-ho-ho
In every disco you say hello
Like you're a little angel, but we all know
Since you was eleven you been actin' this way
You always got in bed when you wanted to play
You're a freak, you think you're Lady Godiva
Some freaks are live, but Yvette you're liver.

Repeat chorus

Verse 4

You're a back-seat queen, a elevator pro
A high-powered body makes your Levis grow
See the stories I've heard, they could amaze
I heard she did it on a motorcycle back in the days
So calm down freak, get a G.E.D.
That's a General Education on Decency
One day you'll see, and agree with me
unless you're gonna be a freak until you're 93
For you there's no fee, everything is free
This is from me to you, not you to me
Every night is your night, your leather pants are tight
You try to shake your butt with all your might
I don't really wanna dis nobody
You might think I had a little too much Bacardi
But that's not the problem, the problem's Yvette
How bad can a girl's reputation get?
See she's the kinda girl all the homeboys met
If you're desparate ask Yvette, cuz she'll say "Bet".

Repeat chorus

Verse 5

B-Boys are hard on the boulevard
The Reverend at the church said you was barred
Homeboys on the block love you a lot
You're a real famous freak whether you like it or not
So before you start walking and your beak starts squawkin'
let me explain to you who is talkin'
I'm L.L. Cool J from around the way
You boogie down to my records almost every day
Go a hundred miles an hour when you're standin' still
You're faster than my Caddy when it's goin' downhill
Won't forget that day in the Y.M.C.A.
The guy at the desk said it was OK
for you to come inside cuz he knew you'd stay
Greg G. and Garfield yelled "Hooray"

Repeat chorus x2

Zelda said...

Angi - She wasn't that cool. She just had a cool moment.

Day Dreamer - Nope, sorry. Nothing like that at all. :-)

Boo - I don't think this is so. I am absolutely convinced that Jerry Fallwell does not have a cool side.

Michelle - You may have and just not remember, but cool moments are very rare.

Kristin - You are cool in general. Yvette wasn't.

Brighton - You're sexy. That's cool.

JP - Not entirely accurate, but nevertheless appropriate.

Jen said...

Whenever I think back about Yvette, one really bad "episode" comes to you remember when they spilt that hot cinnamon essence oil all over their laps? They couldn't walk without their thighs 4 inches apart for at least 3 weeks. Those chemical burns were worse than most 2nd and 3rd degree burns I have seen.

Zelda said...

Yeah. She annointed her loins, and Kat annointed her forehead. Yvette had to drive her car with one leg out the window. Good times.

Virgin Slut said...

And you didn't feel sorry for her when some guy grabbed her?

Zelda said...

Not really. She was in the middle of giving him hickys all over his neck and expected him to keep his hands to himself. Ain't gonna happen.

ALa said...

OMG! I loved 'Dear Yvette'...even met LL back then. Thanks for the blast from the past JP! ;)

Cigarette Smoking Man from the X-Files said...

I think that was me that grabbed her who-who.

Friar Cook said...

I think I married Yvette.

Inanna said...

I'm afraid I have to laugh at Jason.