Monday, April 24, 2006

It's the Law of Murphy that the second you sprain your ankle, you will end up having to use said ankle more than you ever thought possible.

But I've learned some valuable lessons this weekend, the most important being that if you try to rest your ankle while sitting on the sidewalk at the finish line of the MS 150 Bike Tour, you will see spandex covering the most interesting and complex of physical protuberances, namely Camel Toes as far as the eye could see before you gouged them out in despair. No two were alike.

But just to be contrary, anyone who says spandex ought to be outlawed will be banned permanently from my blog. Spandex should not be outlawed. It should be required. It never gets old to see it. It only gets old to say it. And as long as you can still feel that thrill of revulsion when a 300 lb gentleman, oozing with sweat, saunters into your line of sight with his spandex shorts pulled up to his armpits and his entire package firmly encased and protruding from his left thigh, let it not be anathema.

However, I think some people ought to be aware that being skinny doesn't automatically mean you look good in spandex. Wear it, by all means. I sit in no judgment and frankly, the comedic value is far too high. But for your own sake, you might want to reconsider the strutting of your stuff when you haven't any stuff to strut.

What was I doing at the finish line MS-150 when I am so opposed to physical exertion of any kind? Well may you ask. It's actually pretty simple. Jethro's sister, her husband, and their cousin participated. For Halliburton, no less. They asked if Jethro would pick them up at the finish line in Austin and I tagged along.

They sucked. They were supposed to finish at 12 noon and we were supposed to leave immediately from there. They finished at 5:00pm. That left Jethro and I with 5 hours of waiting. If I had known it would be that long, I would have called Trashman. But instead, I had to suffer through the heat, boredom, sprained ankle and the insufferable Austinites.

Austin is a beautiful, pleasant city except for the hippie stench that is the equivalent of smog in LA. It's where the old hippies go to die and from the smell of them, they've been dying since the 60s. But at least they haven't moved to California, snort coke from their poolside lounges and happily tell the rest of us how we oppress the poor when we bitch about taxes. Noooo. They haven't sold out.

I think what set me off was when we were on the drag and I thought I'd buy a couple of bracelets for Gwennie and Emma. I was looking through the tables and every one of the unwashed artisans had some anti-American example of their art, from leatherworks of desecrated American flags, to hammers and sickels, to Fidel-fucking-Castro etched in stone. Fuck that. I don't care how old, smelly, or talented they are. They can sing their protest songs and bitch about The Man. I will keep my filthy lucre. No need to make it any filthier by putting it in the hands of those stinking weirdos.

And speaking of filth, I must return to the cleansing of my habitat. It is unfit for humanity.


Anh said...

So one is not suppose to way a gym short of the spandex. I always do. I like may spandix with the special pouch for the article in question.

Zelda said...

*giggle snort* You just put Austin culture in a nut shell. How does Trash live there without going postal?
Kristin | 04.24.06 - 6:37 pm | #


Does this mean we won't be visiting Austin if we come to Houston? lol.
angi | Homepage | 04.24.06 - 9:18 pm | #


Well, you've talked me out of going to Austin!!!
Inanna | Homepage | 04.24.06 - 10:21 pm | #


So, Zelda, tell us how you REALLY feel about Austin.:P

I think what I've always liked the most about Austin was the gameroom my brother and I would go to along the drag...I think it was called Einstein's. Yes, I am a video game geek. :D

Other than that, I'm fine to stay away.
Sam | Homepage | 04.25.06 - 1:50 am | #


Kristin - I don't think Trash lives within the city limits.

Everyone else is missing my point. Nothing is wrong with Austin. Something is very wrong with hippies.
Zelda | Homepage | 04.25.06 - 9:33 am | #


bless your family for participating in the MS150. i have a good friend who was dx'd last year with MS. she's a multisport athlete, and now she's limited to cycling only. it's very sad, but she has such spirit, and is organizing a team for her second year.

btw, REAL sporting fun is going to triathlons and diggin' on the guys in speedos. oh yeah.
ghostie alix | 04.25.06 - 8:02 pm | #


That explains it. Ever notice how everyone is moving out to the 'burbs in Austin? Coincidence? I think not.
Kristin | Homepage | 04.26.06 - 4:30 am | #


Good point, Z. You've talked me out of seeing hippies when I go to Austin. Better?
Inanna | Homepage | 04.26.06 - 7:49 am | #


Austin used to be such a sweet spot to vacation at when I was a kid.
The Riverwalk gets my money now.
dick | Homepage | 04.26.06 - 1:27 pm | #


Hear hear on the spandex camel-toe - ESPECIALLY on men - it sends me into ectasies of revulsion, but it's impossible to ignore! My jewelry was in an art show a couple weeks ago near a popular cycling locale, and from the little stool I sit at, their sweaty crotches are just about eyelevel. Men, women, skinny, portly - it was all ugly , and all fascinating. Thanks for rekindling these golden memories!

Yeah, Austin IS beautiful, but all the fucking liberals, gawd - how do they stand the stench of each other? At my art show also, someone at the next table had little brooches she sold saying "Make Art Not War". I wanted to kick her ass. How dare she trivialize a serious conflict and capitalize on our soldiers being in harm's way. Fucking whore!
phlegmfatale | Homepage | 04.26.06 - 5:55 pm | #


Never been anywhere in Texas!

Those dirty hippies seem to be all over, even here in WY!! Something very wrong with them indeed!

Hope the ankle is getting better!
Lynx | Homepage | 04.26.06 - 6:41 pm | #