Handing Tickets Out For God

So the ankle is better, but not quite up to snuff. It's very aggravating because it is the same foot I kicked Carlos with and fucked up my toe beyond all compare.

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I received some mildly interesting news yesterday. Jethro's ex and my former best friend, Micky (with the hairy nipples, hairy stuffed monkey/cum rag, and that animal she carries around all the time) has spawned. The only thing I could think of was that the monkey will have a twin. Sometimes I'm evil.

But I wish them the best and hopefully the baby will fill the void in her personality that compels her to use a prop to insulate herself from normal human relations.

But enough about her. One day I will explain my animosity towards her, but that's only for a day when I don't feel like talking about bowel movements or transvestites.

I've got other things on my mind.

My mom has had a hard life. Divorced parents, child abuse from a wicked, evil stepfather, and then, of course, The Cult. Then she was widowed with eight children to look after and quickly married a man who was not the right one for her just over a year later. Now, as it turns out, he is cheating, he is verbally abusive, and he treats her like shit. I don't know what to do. She has just had one run of bad luck after another and I don't think she is the strongest person mentally or she wouldn't be in the mess she's in.

I want to quit my job because it is too stressful and I want to get my real estate license and take care of my house. My mother wants me to stay working in the office so she doesn't have to worry about a strange woman becoming his secretary. Now she's asking me to train her to take over my job which is the most pointless endeavor. She really doesn't want to work. All she wants to do is spy on stepdad.

My mother is too reliant upon others to care for her. That is the sad truth. If my father had not died, I think she would be a different person. But my father, even though he was an altruistically good person, was also influenced by this cult. My upbringing was just a little more apocalyptic and a tad more belty than the norm. I blame this directly on the cult. They influenced my mom's and dad's parenting style in ways that I believe were downright abusive - even after they left. And the horrible fact is that my parents were nothing compared to what the cult members did to their children after 1978.

God it's hard to write about this. I can't make it funny.

My parents had unrealistic expectations of us. They made us feel like outsiders to our peers and somehow expected us to be a good influence on them. Failure in this department, regardless of how subjective , was punished. The worst part is that my parents did it out of love as well as fear. They loved us and feared that we would go to hell if we were not constantly driven like cattle down the path of righteousness. It was tumultuous. Perhaps that is why I like the quiet. As much as we may feel that compulsion, you can't micromanage your children's lives like that. It makes them neurotic.

So I'm stuck in limbo. On one hand, I am furious at my mother for being in this situation. But on the other, I feel bad for her because much of it she didn't cause. On the other hand, she could have prevented most of it if she had used her brain. On the other hand, overwhelming grief can make you crazy. On the other hand, I didn't ask for the idiotic parts of my childhood - and how I came out of it without killing myself or someone else is beyond me and I still blame her. On the other hand, her terrible childhood was what left her susceptible to this stupid cult in the first place.

I try not to feel contempt for her because she is a kind, loving person with a good heart. She just doesn't have any sense. And now she seems to be looking to me to sort this all out for her, which means I have to sort it all out for myself, which is something I really didn't want to have to do. It's so much easier to bury the past and let time and love wash it away. But I don't think I can do that. Sometimes I just want to scream "WELCOME TO MY HELL" when she starts complaining about what the cult is doing to her life.

I don't know whether I want to help her or not. On one hand, I want to let her stew. On the other, I think I would feel a real sense of accomplishment if I had a hand in her living the next 20, 30, 40 years free of this curse.

Is she just a little bit of my responsibility? Would I be wrong to take this on, possibly at some expense to my own little family? Would I be wrong to leave her a mess? I'm lost and I need help.