Thursday, April 27, 2006

Handing Tickets Out For God

So the ankle is better, but not quite up to snuff. It's very aggravating because it is the same foot I kicked Carlos with and fucked up my toe beyond all compare.


I received some mildly interesting news yesterday. Jethro's ex and my former best friend, Micky (with the hairy nipples, hairy stuffed monkey/cum rag, and that animal she carries around all the time) has spawned. The only thing I could think of was that the monkey will have a twin. Sometimes I'm evil.

But I wish them the best and hopefully the baby will fill the void in her personality that compels her to use a prop to insulate herself from normal human relations.

But enough about her. One day I will explain my animosity towards her, but that's only for a day when I don't feel like talking about bowel movements or transvestites.

I've got other things on my mind.

My mom has had a hard life. Divorced parents, child abuse from a wicked, evil stepfather, and then, of course, The Cult. Then she was widowed with eight children to look after and quickly married a man who was not the right one for her just over a year later. Now, as it turns out, he is cheating, he is verbally abusive, and he treats her like shit. I don't know what to do. She has just had one run of bad luck after another and I don't think she is the strongest person mentally or she wouldn't be in the mess she's in.

I want to quit my job because it is too stressful and I want to get my real estate license and take care of my house. My mother wants me to stay working in the office so she doesn't have to worry about a strange woman becoming his secretary. Now she's asking me to train her to take over my job which is the most pointless endeavor. She really doesn't want to work. All she wants to do is spy on stepdad.

My mother is too reliant upon others to care for her. That is the sad truth. If my father had not died, I think she would be a different person. But my father, even though he was an altruistically good person, was also influenced by this cult. My upbringing was just a little more apocalyptic and a tad more belty than the norm. I blame this directly on the cult. They influenced my mom's and dad's parenting style in ways that I believe were downright abusive - even after they left. And the horrible fact is that my parents were nothing compared to what the cult members did to their children after 1978.

God it's hard to write about this. I can't make it funny.

My parents had unrealistic expectations of us. They made us feel like outsiders to our peers and somehow expected us to be a good influence on them. Failure in this department, regardless of how subjective , was punished. The worst part is that my parents did it out of love as well as fear. They loved us and feared that we would go to hell if we were not constantly driven like cattle down the path of righteousness. It was tumultuous. Perhaps that is why I like the quiet. As much as we may feel that compulsion, you can't micromanage your children's lives like that. It makes them neurotic.

So I'm stuck in limbo. On one hand, I am furious at my mother for being in this situation. But on the other, I feel bad for her because much of it she didn't cause. On the other hand, she could have prevented most of it if she had used her brain. On the other hand, overwhelming grief can make you crazy. On the other hand, I didn't ask for the idiotic parts of my childhood - and how I came out of it without killing myself or someone else is beyond me and I still blame her. On the other hand, her terrible childhood was what left her susceptible to this stupid cult in the first place.

I try not to feel contempt for her because she is a kind, loving person with a good heart. She just doesn't have any sense. And now she seems to be looking to me to sort this all out for her, which means I have to sort it all out for myself, which is something I really didn't want to have to do. It's so much easier to bury the past and let time and love wash it away. But I don't think I can do that. Sometimes I just want to scream "WELCOME TO MY HELL" when she starts complaining about what the cult is doing to her life.

I don't know whether I want to help her or not. On one hand, I want to let her stew. On the other, I think I would feel a real sense of accomplishment if I had a hand in her living the next 20, 30, 40 years free of this curse.

Is she just a little bit of my responsibility? Would I be wrong to take this on, possibly at some expense to my own little family? Would I be wrong to leave her a mess? I'm lost and I need help.

1 comment:

Zelda said...

zelda, i'm just sorry.
ghostie alix | 04.27.06 - 7:28 pm | #


I don't know. I wish I could offer an answer, but I don't have one.
restless angel | 04.27.06 - 8:55 pm | #


Let me knaw on it and we'll talk when I get to Houston.
Inanna | Homepage | 04.27.06 - 9:51 pm | #


ghostie alix - thanks so much.

RA - I know. It's a bitch.

Inanna - Absolutely. It's the perfect topic for 'ritas and tears.
Zelda | Homepage | 04.27.06 - 11:08 pm | #


If you come up with a "right' answer, let me know. ((((Zelda))))
Angi | 04.27.06 - 11:41 pm | #


(((BIG HUGS))) Zelda. Can I email you my response?
Michelle | Homepage | 04.28.06 - 12:30 am | #


At what point does your mother need to take responsibility for her own life and actions? Hon, it's not you job to raise your mother or fix her fuck ups. I understand you want to lend a hand, but a hand becomes a whole body and that is plum exhausting. You need to concentrate on being there for Jethro and the girls, they are your family now. Sounds like Mom needs some meds and serious therapy. This is way beyond your expertise. Remind me to tell you about Andrea Yates when I'm there. Oh, and this, "you can't micromanage your children's lives like that. It makes them neurotic." I live that each day. That shit is the TRUTH!!
Kristin | Homepage | 04.28.06 - 2:00 am | #


Thanks, Angi. I will.

Michelle - Please do. I would love to hear it.

Kristin - My mom needs a lot of things, but the nagging thought in my head is that one day she will be gone and I will be filled with regret. I already have that with my dad.
Zelda | Homepage | 04.28.06 - 9:56 am | #


If there's on funny thing to come out of this, it was trying to count your "one hand" and "other hands". When we had lunch, I only noticed 2 hands a huge boobs, but I'll look for all the hands next time.

Seriously though, my feeling is that your heart is telling you to do one thing, and your brain is telling you another. Personally, you have to go with what sets your heart at ease, and leaves you with with best feelings inside, and the least amount of regret. People generally regret less the things they did, and regret more the things they didn't do.

Just my 2 cents. Wait...make that 1 cent. I need that other cent to help pay for gas.

Sam | Homepage | 04.28.06 - 12:05 pm | #


Only one person can answer this and that sounds like mom.
Wish I could give you some help, advice, whatever, but I'm at a loss.
How about if I send a hug?
dick | Homepage | 04.28.06 - 3:09 pm | #


Zelda: Sounds like Mom is better off getting some help from a pro so that she can take accountability for her choices in life and deal with the consequences. This is not to say that you can't be there for her and be supportive of her, but it really isn't your responsibility to fix her life. You already have so much on your plate to focus on, that tackling this big of an issue might begin to strain your relationships with others, including your own family. Besides, I think you'd regret it even more if your girls grow up feeling like their mom wasn't there for them because she was too busy getting grandma's life back in order.
lyllia | Homepage | 04.29.06 - 2:49 am | #


lyllia's got some serious points there, zelda. you just can't save people from themselves, just be there to catch them when they fall.
ghostie alix | 04.29.06 - 7:12 am | #


Be there for her, but don't assist her in diving down any further. It would be quite unhealthy for her to work for your stepfather. If he is verbally abusive to her already, imagine how he will treat her once she is his "employee."

That being said, it might be healthy for your mom to have something that is hers and hers alone. She has always been busy taking care of other people that she needs to spend some time figuring out who she is and what she needs. Getting a job outside the house would probably be a VERY GOOD IDEA. Or maybe taking some classes or something.

Until she is ready to stand up for herself, she will always have someone around that will verbally or physically take advantage of her. It could be her husband, this cult, her family, anyone........
Jen | 04.29.06 - 11:29 am | #


You can't fix the situation with the philandering step-father for your mother. After the childhood you experienced, it's a testament to your intelligence and inherent kindness that you even speak to her. You are not responsible for the way she feels/doesn't cope with her trials in life. You need to do what is best for YOU, Jethro and the girls. I worked at my mom's business for a few years trying to fix it for her. I made the office run more efficiently, but eventually it became a real burden, and ultimately her complaints about work were same as ever. Get on with YOUR life and do what you need to do for you. You can't fix your mom's broken life by neglecting your own.
phlegmfatale | Homepage | 04.30.06 - 3:21 pm | #


It seems you and I share the same Hell. *hugs*
Brighton | Homepage | 05.02.06 - 6:39 pm | #