Thursday, January 31, 2008

No One Appreciates My Art

Since moving to New Town, I've had to adjust to a whole new set of radio stations. Not that it's difficult or anything. They pretty much play the same crap you hear everywhere else. But I did manage to find a country station that plays old cowboy songs and Country and Western from back when it was called "Country and Western." A preponderance of Willie doesn't hurt either.

However, no one in my family appreciates this. If it doesn't have that fictional, synthesized quality, or a stomach pounding bass, they just aren't interested.

I tried to get the girls to sing "Tryin' to Love Two Women (Is Like a Ball and Chain) the other day, but they'd have none of it and begged me to turn it down before any of their friends heard.


I have another class project due tonight. Upon it's completion, I will have simultaneously fulfilled a promise I never thought I'd be able to, and shocked my class who (amazingly) considers me to be a rather quiet person who does not draw needless attention to herself.

Update: I will post a picture of the project as soon as I get it back.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Just 4 Jim (NSFW)


Diet is going well, don't you think?

Monday, January 28, 2008

A Quiet Evening

I just got home from class. I hate still lives. And charcoal. Really, I'm just not good at drawing, and that sucks. I resignedly put my crappy picture up for critique every class, and I'm running out of ways to say "Yeah, I screwed up, but I'm so much improved!!!!"

Anyway, I've eaten a salad and I'm debating whether I should start my next project. I can finish it tomorrow, but if I at least started it tonight, I might get ahead for friggin' once.

However, Jethro is sitting all alone with his laptop, meticulously scouring the internet for some very specific pornography to send Corin in Iraq, at Cornin's request. There is no sacrifice Jethro wouldn't make for his friend; no titty he'd fail to scrutinize, no $3.99 per month subscription he wouldn't at least consider purchasing. Perhaps I should go help him bear this unspeakable burden.


Actually, Corin has requested porn containing large, natural bosoms and Asians. I'm thinking Jeth and I could save a little money here. I know this is conceited, but you don't get better than mine for cartoonishly large, unfake boobies, and Jethro is pretty. So so pretty. A wig and some lipstick and we could have an Asian/huge tittied lesbian encounter, provided Jethro was able to tuck in properly, and the lighting was suitably dim. Corin would never know. And even if he did, he'd probably just curse our names and beat off anyway. I hear soldiers in Iraq aren't too picky, which is a good thing. Maybe now they'll let me start cybersexing them again.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Fun at the Office

We need patients.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Political Dabbling

It's like watching a mangy white hen try to peck her little black chick to death and the little black chick feebly scratching at her eyes.

I do not agree with Obama on any of his main issues, so obviously will not be voting for him. But he is one hell of a likeable candidate. You almost feel as if you could ask him nicely not to steal your money. And I think he's black. Bonus.

Friday, January 18, 2008


I was listening to one of the artistically gifted, but intellectually bereft (or AGIBs for short) tell a story about a near escape he had with members of law enforcement. At first I thought it was a story about an apartment dog, which turned out not to be the case. But that was the only reason I began listening. I'd never heard anyone refer to a dog who lived in an apartment as an "apartment dog." The entire story was liberally peppered with both "dog" and "fool," including this gem of a sentence, "Yeah and my girl she was pissed off, dog cuz I was supposed be in court the next day, fool."

I guess it was better than "like" and "whatever."

And I was right. They are all high. When we have our breaks, if they're not in the parking lot smoking weed, they're dipping. One of my classmates told me about the massive bloody nose he experienced after snorting some coke while suffering a sinus infection. I try to keep my angelic face on so I won't be forced to say something like, "No, man. Pot makes me sleepy." Or some other witty excuse from my unused '80s repertoire.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

No Big Brother Today

If you haven't caught Mr. Ezra Levant's excoriation of the Canadian Human Rights Commission to which he was ingloriously summoned by a complaint from one, Syed Soharwardy, for publishing the Danish cartoons of Islam's Pedophile Prophet, you really should. (Start at the last one.)

The fact that Mr. Levant has been brought before this "Human Rights" Commission is disgusting. But it's almost worth it simply for the exposure it gives to the false liberalism and soft fascism of Institutional Political Correctness.

H/T: Jim Treacher

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

"Seventeen year olds nowadays are crazy. They're up for anything. They even like it when you go ass to mouth." - Clerks II

Well maybe not 17 year olds, but one 25 year old classmate of mine. I'll call him Joe. He's into group sex. I thought you only got into group sex when you were too old to have decent regular sex. Or if you were ugly and had to compromise in order to get laid.

The guy is cute in an everyday kind of way. Nothing spectacular or anything, but certainly not repulsive. And he's smart. But he'll double up with another dude on some chick.

I'm always shocked when I find out someone I know, however briefly, is engaged in sex acts I have only seen in 15 second clips on the internet.

Now every time I see him I'm going to wonder if his balls have slapped another guy's face, or if he's kissed a girl who's just gone ass to mouth.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Lo! Who is that, striding out of the wasteland! It is Zelda, hands clutching a sharpened screwdriver...

I have come to the conclusion that it is time for Jethro and me to part ways.

While we sleep.

He snores. It's getting worse. If the sleep apnea doesn't kill him, there is a very good chance I might. You know you're on a very bad track when you are waked by a particularly loud reverberation and think you're being logical as you weigh out the reasons why choking him to death is a good idea, and whether or not you should dig the grave first.

Last night was another straw. Since he snores, he doesn't fall into a deep sleep. This makes him prone to sleep activity. Last night he was pawing my face and throat and muttering to himself. When I woke up screaming, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP TOUCHING ME!!!" he informed me haughtily that he was just trying to help me.

I'm thinking that, given our deep sexual commitment, separate twins and a nice, thick, carpeted screen between them would not necessarily be a throwback to 1950s prudery.

Friday, January 11, 2008


Snow falls in Baghdad. IT'S GLOBAL WARMING!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!

If you you bother to read the article, note the excessively cheesy James Joyce reference and apology - further proving my suspicion that journalists are just writers who are having trouble selling their works of hack.


Classes are going. I'll be very happy when I'm done with the drawing portion. I have no hand- eye coordination. I seem to have a fabulous grasp of the concept of graphic design, however. But just when I was congratulating myself on that fact and feeling slightly superior to everyone else in the room, I came to the conclusion that everyone else in the room was high. And they're still better at drawing.

Why does God see fit to bless these peasants with such gifts?


And if you do nothing else the rest of the weekend, watch this: Swiped from Jim Treacher at Blowing Smoke.

We are staying put this weekend, thank goodness. I don't think I could handle one more trip back to Houston. I like my own bed, dustmites and all.


I did not watch the GOP debate last night, being in class the whole time, but I hear Mr. Thompson cleaned up. Good for him. I think he might sweep the South. I certainly hope so. Huckabee's evangelicals are getting on my nerves, but they don't begin to compare to Ron Paul's psychos. How alarming is it when the candidate's supporters are scarier than the candidate?

I realize the slightly more conservative (cough...Michelle Malkin...cough) are jumping all over Thompson for not skewering McCain on issues such as immigration and campaign finance reform. I would have thought much less of him if he had. McCain could be a very valuable ally if he wins the nomination, and McCain should be given the utmost respect by Republicans and Democrats alike, even when you disagree. He has earned that in spades.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

The Usual

I haven't read the article yet, but I did like the headline: "Moderate drinking and exercising may lower risk of heart disease." I do hope they mean at the same time. I can see myself enjoying the clinic exercise bicycle so much more.

So classes are interesting, but I'm just as bad as I feared. I sincerely hope they can do something with me. However, I seem to have gone overboard on the humility and can't seem to stop apologizing for my lack of talent. I think I have a decent amount of skill when it comes to concept, but making my hands execute that concept is like trying to escape from a cement coffin. It's always been a struggle to make my hands do what my brain is telling them. It's what keeps me from being a good musician as opposed to a just a strummer or a plucker. Luckily I can type and when the situation calls for it, write, otherwise I'd have no creative gifts whatsoever. And then all I'd have is boobs and I'd have to work out and become a stripper, or find some other profession that utilizes breasts. Nipple piercing model maybe (NSFW)?

Regardless, I'm going to learn as much as I can. It's amazing how much more focused I am now than when I was in school a decade ago. I really wasn't ready, which should have been obvious given that my first thought upon entering any class was how many absences the prof would let me get away with. But as with anything, you're ususally the last person to figure this out.

Monday, January 07, 2008

The Drive Home

I got a handsome high school boy to talk to me last night at a McDonald's in Flatonio, TX. He was so cute. I think it was just because he was nice, but I'm hoping it was because I was wearing my special shirt. We commiserated over McDonald's decision to replace the medium fries with the small fries on the dollar value menu.


I start my first class this evening. I'm actually nervous. I have been thrown straight into Drawing I and I can't draw anything freehand. I was the worst picture maker in my entire 7th grade class. I am hoping against hope that abstract has not gone out of style yet.

Wish me luck.

I am working on a difficult blog post regarding Transcendentalism and Objectivism. No one will enjoy reading it, but I am thoroughly enjoying writing it.

Thursday, January 03, 2008


So I'm back to just the sniffles after a wild crescendo of illness, the zenith being a head somewhere around 6 lbs full of a thick snot pudding, I wanted to shoot myself just to relieve the pressure.

But it's better now. I took the antibiotics and they seem to be doing the trick.

I'm headed for orientation tonight. It will be interesting to see if my pride can withstand an environment related to a subject of which I am almost completely ignorant. I don't like being the dumbest one in the room. It remains to be seen if I can muster the humility to actually learn something, pride being somewhat of an Achille's heel for me. Better work on that for the new year. The housekeeping got far away from me while I was sick, so I have that to work on that too. Squelching pride and housekeeping. Dull business.

On the upside, though, I'm very happy to have the kids back. I missed them. Even though I had the option to make as much noise as I wanted (and I tried, but very little sound escaped from my battered vocal chords) while in certain compromising positions, life seemed very two-dimensional.

Oh, and Jethro and I visited a sex toy shop the night before we left for Houston to pick up the girls. I'm shy about that kind of thing in public, so I referred to Jethro as "Don" and he to me as "Kelly" and we pretended we were going to a bachelor/bachelorette party for two people named "Jethro" and "Zelda."

And boy oh boy were Jethro and Zelda going to have fun.

In fact, Jethro and Zelda had so much fun, they only managed to open the vibrator package part way before they said, "screw it" and had regular old sex.

But I hope this vibrator lasts longer.