Monday, April 30, 2007

Freak Show

Our friend who was recently deployed to Afghanistan left his porn collection with Jethro before he left. He said we could watch it if we wanted to, so last night we did.

I was starting to get into it a little when the camera shot to the guy's sweaty, red (almost purple) face and I started laughing. The only thing less sexy was one of the guys' assholes. It was a little floppy. I'm thinking he had another job.

I was going to write a haiku about it, but I'll leave that up to y'all.

Friday, April 27, 2007


Continuing from yesterday, this Times UK article presents an interesting perspective from a former Islamic radical's point of view. Conclusion: Islamic governments are pathetic and Muslim grievances against the West are not justified.



I called my daughter a "rude, thoughtless little pig" this morning because she spat upon the floor. I should probably record it so I can save my voice, and I should probably beat them first thing in the morning just so they're on the right track. They seem to forget who is boss.

Seriously though, what would you good people do to your kid if he or she spit on the floor for no good reason at all?


And to make things worse, I haven't had blogworthy sex in ages. I'll have to wait until we open the clinic and do it there just so I can have something to write about. Although even that doesn't seem interesting. Also, I'm having trouble concentrating. My mental rolodex of perversion no longer contains a hot, time-saving scenario. Maybe it's because my sister and her fiancee are staying with us. I think it's time to attempt the sex that will send you to hell again just so I can make sure I hate it.

:-) :-) :-) :-) :-)

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Would You Like Some Peace With That Severed Head?

My heroine, Aayan Hirsi Ali, has had another death threat issued against her, this time by a cleric living in the U.S.

Muslim groups in PA, in a revealing display of their oppressive values, tried to prevent her from speaking at the University of Pittsburgh in Johnstown (freedom of speech anyone?)
What is it about her that makes them so rabid? (besides revealing what a backwards, misogynistic, hateful cult Islam is...)

Imam Fouad ElBayly, president of the Johnstown Islamic Center, was among those who objected to Hirsi Ali’s appearance.
“She has been identified as one who has defamed the faith. If you come into the faith, you must abide by the laws, and when you decide to defame it deliberately, the sentence is death,” said ElBayly, who came to the U.S. from Egypt in 1976. ...
Although ElBayly believes a death sentence is warranted for Hirsi Ali, he stressed that America is not the jurisdiction where such a crime should be punished. Instead, Hirsi Ali should be judged in a Muslim country after being given a trial, he added.
“If it is found that a person is mentally unstable, or a child or disabled, there should be no punishment,” he said. “It’s a very merciful religion if you try to understand it.” [emphasis added] (source)

What a merciful religion. I can't wait until I'm forced to join it for fear they're going to crucify my children.
AHA's response is classic. "This imam has been strikingly honest," says she.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007


I can't sing anymore. I used to be a fairly good singer, but I got sick with something that affected my vocal chords over the winter, and I'm afraid the condition is more permanent than I thought. My voice warbles. I hear it, but I have no control over it anymore. I can hear three notes when I'm trying to sing one, and the one note I'm trying to sing won't come out.

This is more disappointing than I ever could have realized.


Time to take the girls to Drama class. Like they need classes.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

The Zoo Redux

Just got back from Emma's class trip. We went to the Houston Zoo. It was a great success replete with the irony of the children enjoying the free-range rabbits and squirrels as much or more than the caged animals.

The only thing worthy of note was a little boy in my group. His mother packed him an extra bag of clothes in case he had an accident. According to her (which sounds a whole lot like Munchhausen syndrome) he has a very narrow urethra and doesn't feel the urge to urinate like the rest of us. I don't know what the deal is, but he is a giant 6 year old boy - very overweight - who had to be led by the hand to the restroom 3 times during the day.

His lunch would have made anyone snort. His mother had packed him macaroni and cheese, chicken nuggets, milk, juice, carrot sticks, fruit roll-ups, animal crackers, and a full size Snickers bar. He ate a good deal of it.

I wasn't observing him particularly until he came up to the other chaperons and me with tears in his eyes. "Um, I fell down," he said.

"Are you alright?" we asked.

"Yes, but Emma didn't help me up when I fell," he whined.

That kid has Never-Gonna-Have-A-Girlfriend, if not I'm-Gonna-Marry-Mommy-Someday written all over him.

Friday, April 20, 2007

Lazy Day

I have nothing to post, so here are a few pictures.


Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Telephone Conversation with the HOA

Zelda: "Listen. I haven't wanted to call a lawyer until now, but when it comes right down to it, I'm a stay-at-home mom with thwarted delusions of grandeur. I live to make people as miserable as I am and I have nothing but time."

Tuesday, April 17, 2007


Today is my dad's birthday. He never made a big deal of it in life, and I see no reason to do it now. That won't stop the rest of my family from caterwauling over it, but that's because they still haven't come to terms.

My dad once told me a story of a shepherd he'd met during his travels in the Middle East. He said the man had to have been around 70 years old, but that he never knew his own birthday. All he knew was that it was sometime in the winter.

My child-mind was aghast at the thought of missing out on all those birthday wishes, but I suspect my dad admired him for not knowing or caring. That was one of the fascinating/frustrating things about my father. All the trappings of earthly existence were like chains to him. I understand why now that I'm older, but he did make a lot of innocent fun seem stupid. I don't know if it is possible to have an inferiority complex and a superiority complex at the same time, but if it is, then I had them. And it was all his fault - a thought which would probably amuse him if he were here.

I miss you, Dad. Pray for us.

In Memorium

No post today. Remember the victims of the Virginia Tech massacre and pray for their families.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Not Much

I haven't wanted to bore anyone with details because, let's be honest, starting a business just doesn't capture the imagination quite like freakishly large bosoms.

But I am so excited about opening Jethro's clinic.

I know there is a general consensus that husbands and wives shouldn't work together, but I want to. There is no one I'd rather hang out with than Jethro, and if I must be forced into the drudgery of the working world, I can't imagine a job where I'd have more fun.

Plus, as dopey as it sounds, it's nice to be involved in a profession that makes people physically feel better. Handing them over smoothies, or negotiating the finer points of them plunking down their life savings on a home just doesn't compare.

Someone shoot me if I display such altruism on this blog again.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Can You Smell It?

I made the mistake of emailing a few good wishes to Elizabeth Edwards, wife of the presidential candidate John Edwards, who is suffering from inoperable breast cancer. I should have just thought them in my head instead.

Edward's campaign has taken advantage of having my email address to send me an unsolicited missive imploring me to take a "personal carbon-reduction pledge."

As part of our Global Warming Action Month, I'm launching a personal carbon reduction pledge and asking everyone who shares our goal of ending global warming to take part.

Why do I suddenly feel like I'm at Bible camp without the warm, fuzzy, sexual tension?

How about this for an answer (as well as a tribute to the
internet's salty right-wing souls): POUND SAND AND DIE.

The man has just had built a
28,000+ square foot super-mansion complex. I have a 1300 square foot tool shed into which I stuff my husband, two kids and my own lazy ass, and to which I refer with all irony as 'home'.

His energy plan (he claims) will reduce carbon emissions by 80%. But I don't think he intends to tear down his brand new crib. Maybe he's planning to level Al Gore's (although it only weighs in at a minuscule 15,000 square feet, it does consume slightly more than it's fair share of energy).

He also makes the claim (twice) that he is running a "carbon-neutral campaign." Does that mean he's walking to Iowa? He naturally fails to provide any specifics.

He is not short on rhetoric, though:

Americans are ready to be patriotic about something other than war. Americans are ready to answer this call. Will you be the first?

[link deleted]

Global warming poses a real and immediate threat to our nation. When faced with such grave threats in times past, generations of Americans have rallied together to make personal sacrifices big and small.

Now, the same is being asked of us. Today, the danger we face may be harder to find on a map, and our contributions may come in simpler forms. It may look like just installing energy efficient light bulbs, taking shorter trips in the car or turning down the thermostat, but make no mistake: These are acts of true patriotism.

Now I feel like some dumb chick being cajoled into putting out for a military fry cook. Are we actually being rallied with the soaring rhetoric that won our war against the Nazis, to use a specific type of light bulb? Are we fucking retarded? Can he cheapen patriotism any further? We're tired of hearing about the war. So let's forget about our the troops fighting the fascists in the Middle East (fascists who have no intention of reducing their carbon emissions) and patriotically turn down the thermostat. Now that's sacrifice.

Given the fact that he probably uses more energy in a day than I use in 6 months, I think I can call him unpatriotic by his own standards. And I'll admit that it's not often someone is stupid enough to let that happen.

Seriously. This whole thing is the environmental equivalent of dodging the draft. Can son-of-a-mill-worker Edwards be so out of touch with the rest of humanity that he thinks we won't call him on his outrageous personal energy consumption? Or worse, are the most bitter and cynical of right-wing pundits correct in that he is hoping his wife's cancer will buy him a pass on that?

I don't think John Edwards could disgust me any further. But after reading this steaming pile of greenhouse gasses, I am willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Nudity Nulls Nuptials

Sometimes it's interesting to know what religious fuck-bags argue about when they think no one's looking: Total Insanity.

Sometimes it's sexy to think about how they'd torture me before they'd hang me if I lived in Saudi Arabia.

And yes, that was mostly sarcastic.

Sometimes I feel like I'm screaming into a pillow.



I had the most horrible dream in my entire life last night.

I dreamt I swallowed a lizard. I woke up swallowing a gigantic gulp of something (please god, let it have been air and phlegm) and had a distinct impression of a tail slithering down my throat. The only thing that keeps me from thinking it isn't terrifyingly true is that a lock of hair was in my mouth when I woke up.

Anyway, today promises to be pretty bad and stressful, not to mention extremely boring to write about. Just cross your fingers that I keep having nightmares to blog about.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

I Need To Raise $5,000 ASAP

Anyone want to see me do anal?

Monday, April 09, 2007

As The Acid Churns

I need to reinstitute my Lifestyle Change. I bafflingly haven't gained any weight back since I quit dieting (I quit dieting, by the way), but I'm getting heartburn again. Last night was horrific. I'm pretty sure my stomach acid could have powered Al Gore's meager 15,000 square foot abode for at least a millenia.

So I'm going back on the wagon. Starting................................................................Now.

I'm trying to think of something interesting to say. Everything I've wanted to blog about seems tame. Even the road rage I had while dropping the girls off at school. Bitch cut me off and I followed her to her house. It was very disappointing because the stupid woman had no clue I was behind her. And I followed her closely. Nothing to deflate your road rage like an utterly oblivious target.

And that's about it. I'm going to go take some more pink stuff.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Nice Symbol of Male Oppression There, Granny.

"I am very pleased that after 200-plus years in the United States we finally have a (woman) speaker. It took us a long time," Pelosi said when asked how she felt about sitting in a place from which Saudi women are excluded." (source)
Please, please, please, please PLEASE tell me I'm having a nightmare that an American woman - who has been afforded all the bounties the United States has to offer in spades- hasn't just gone to the most repressive country in the entire world and compared their treatment of women to the fact that the US hasn't had a female Speaker of the House until now.
Please tell me this scrappy little feminist who scratched and clawed her way to third-in-line-to-the-Presidency hasn't just implied in a country where it's legal to for men to beat women, force them into arranged marriages, keep them covered from head to toe, shoot them for being accused of committing adultery, and hang them for being raped, that America can relate to the fact that women cannot hold public office.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Remember To Do Your Montly Breast Self-Exam

Alanis Morrisette reminds me to do that in the most somber parody I've ever witnessed.


I've been really busy. We'd really like to get Jethro's business up and running by May or June, so there is a lot of work to do. If posting is light, you now know why. Long live Capitalism.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007


I was watching an E show on Elvis. Just as I was marvelling at how he didn't die of heatstroke while wearing a leather ensemble under blazing hot stage lights, the narrator informed me that "Elvis oozed sex appeal." My scrambled eggs became instantaneously unappetizing.



One of my sisters
Severed ties with her boyfriend
I am quite joyful

For I do not like
Men with stiff, pretentious hair
He was a douchebag


Sometimes I worry that I will sustain some kind of head trauma and I will lose all perspective and start barking like a dog and demanding that people fuck me. I heard of that happening and it terrifies me. Inhibitions are good.

Monday, April 02, 2007

Ancient History

Every once in awhile, I like to go back through my archives and re-read whatever idiocy I felt the need to spew at that particular time. I've exhausted my own archives, so I made the time-consuming mistake of re-reading Jay's archives now that some of haloscan's comments have come back. I cringed when I read most of my comments, but I found one thread that cracked me up.

Here's Jay's post. Here are the comments. Read mine and Jethro's (there are a few, so you have to scroll to the end) and laugh with/at me. Apparently I'm no moderate when it comes to mullets.