Saturday, December 07, 2013

Post On Which Twerking Seems To Be An Overriding Thought

Never thought I'd say this, but I'm tired of the internet. Well, not the entire internet. I still like to look up recipes and watch twerking harlots set themselves on fire, but definitely some of the internet. Actually, I think it's just facebook.

If you ever feel that your particular house of worship is not providing you with enough advice, lecture, or judgement, then facebook is the place for you.

Now don't get me wrong. I love a lot of things about facebook. I like seeing cute pictures of friends' babies and puppies. I like . . . no, that's about it. I think that's all I like. Oh, and I like chatting with my friend about who on facebook is annoying us. I excuse my gossipy behavior as venting to only one person, in private, so that I don't make an ass of myself in public commenting on stupid things that have no meaning whatsoever to my real life, thereby sparing everyone embarrassment and hurt feelings.

But it isn't terribly healthy. And I find myself getting more and more annoyed with what is being posted:

Be Aware of Breast Cancer! Stop Being So Aware of Breast Cancer! It's nice that you post about veterans, but what about the tsunami? It's nice that you post about the tsunami, but what about the animals? Save the Tigers! Save the Trees! Donate! HOW CAN YOU BE SUCH AN ASSOLE BY NOT DONATING!!! Science is fucking awesome!!! Scientists are trying to genetically engineer our entire food supply and kill us!!! Buy organic pumpkins! Buy organic turkeys! Buy Girl Scout Cookies! STOP ABSORBING NEGATIVE ENERGY!!! STOP BUYING SO MUCH CRAP, YOU CONSUMERIST PIGS!!! Here's a coupon! Groupon! PIIIIIIIIIINTEREST!!!

I think I'm overwhelmed. Taken all at once, I am bombarded by conflicting messages every day. This isn't anyone's fault. Everyone has opinions and it's nice to share them. I've always enjoyed sharing mine because I'm a goddamn genius and everyone should be lucky enough to know what I think about anything I take my precious time to think about. But since the dawn of facebook, I have discovered that I don't have as many opinions as I thought, and even more shocking, I don't actually want to.

Now I will list 3 things about which I have no opinions:

Miley Cyrus - "But the CHILDREN!" you say. "She's a terrible example for them! You have daughters. Why don't you care? Care, damn you, CARE!!!"

Here's the truth: My daughters aren't twerkers. It's not because I raised them well or sheltered them. It's because that is not what they want to do. I don't know why. I don't care why. My job, in that regard, is easy. To other parents who have twerking daughters, all I can say is good luck, and maybe it's nice to be a grandparent before the arthritis sets in. Also, if you don't want them doing it, start doing it yourself. It's good exercise, and it will turn them off. Big time.

Christmas Displays Before Thanksgiving - Yeah. Don't care. I'm feeling ever increasing twinges of agoraphobia when I go to stores. It's not that I don't like people. I do. I just don't want to touch them or look at them or have any contact with them other than what is absolutely necessary to facilitate as fast a release from their presence as possible. So the store can display a full size, stark nude, anatomically correct, animatronic, Santa Clause jerking off to the horror of traumatized reindeer and cringing elves in the middle of summer, and the dread of human contact will override the timing of it upon my senses. Am I lucky? You be the judge.

People Who Use Their Cell Phones In Public All The Time - It's very simple. If they are on their cell phones, they are not interacting with me. Also, it's very funny when they walk into building support columns while texting.

In a way, it's a relief. You want to be knowledgeable. You don't want to be one of those people on camera who don't know who the Vice President is. And the quickest way to display your knowledge is to form an opinion. But it isn't necessary. You don't have to know everything. You don't have to have all the answers. No one does. I don't.