Friday, October 28, 2005

Sundries, and a Payasita Update

Payasita Update. I know I've been neglecting my little political clown, but nothing has aroused my ire until today. I still intend to post about Crawford though, as well as some personal insights into hippie/anti-war culture from the point of view of someone (me) who was conceived for the purpose of continuing a communist utopia. Yes, I've had an interesting life, and most of it wasn't even my fault.


So Emma hops onto our bed last night, picks up the remote, and says, "I want to watch the Astros! GO ASTROS!!!" Jethro wept.

Later that night, I had dropped a pen behind the bed and was reaching below to get it out. My ass was sticking straight up, and Jethro came up behind me and started loving on it. My arm was stuck behind the bed, so Jethro had full advantage. Just as he was getting into full on spank-the-mommy mode, Emma calls out, "Mommy! Come and wipe my butt! She had been sitting in our bathroom on the potty the whole time.

Gwendolyn has bronchitis. She worked the pathos and got us to take her out for sushi. I must say there is nothing that will take your mind off a crushing World Series defeat like a sick child. But there is no one who can ruin your sympathy for her illness like Gwendolyn. She seemed to think that just because we did her bidding in taking her to the restaurant she wanted, we were now required to do her bidding forevermore. Long story short, she got spanked. And if you are going to take your child "to the car," there is no better place than an Asian restaurant because if anyone understands about beating children for a tone of voice, it's Asians.

Anyway, my day is going swell. I am having some people over for Halloween, so hopefully this will get my ass in gear and our house will be clean. If not, well it's not like I have that much of a reputation anyway. Have a great weekend.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Bad Post

Ok, I'm feeling a little bad about the last post. I wrote it last night after an evening of pure misery. I'll just have to be forgiven. But I give credit to Houston for not rioting.

Some fabulous news though. Jen had her little girl. She was three weeks early and is a teeny, tiny one. I can't wait to see her.

So I've decided to design our costumes to resemble these good folks.

Kristin sent me this picture and I laughed until I couldn't breathe. I'm afraid the crack ho look will be a little hard for me, since I am quite er.. healthy, but I'll do my best.

Jethro should have no problem.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Bad Baseball

All I have to say is that it's pretty easy to win a world series when umpires are on the take, Selig's dick is massaging your prostate, and a worthless media riles up their savages to assault the opposing players' wives, then proclaims the opposing team "too white to win." Granted the Astros sucked ass and probably would have lost anyway, but this was ridiculous. Call after bad call. And we saw how the umps screwed the Angels too.

I feel bad for the Astros. They deserved to play at least all of their home games. But the ones I really feel sorry for are the White Sox because their victory is now just as tainted as their defeat in 1919.

Monday, October 24, 2005

Bad Day

In case no one has noticed, I'm a terrible sport. I don't high-five and say "good game" after losing. I barely do it after winning. That is, unless I'm pressured into it by better sports than I. It's probably a good thing I grew breasts and gave up sports because I would be unbearable. More than I am now even.

So I've decided on our Halloween costumes. We are going as LOOTERS!! Jethro's going to carry our broken tv and a 6 pack. I'm going to carry a package of pampers and a 6 pack.

And the big winner of the Halloween costume contest is AJ in Iraq. I know how disappointed Jack is. He was pining for Jethro's nekkid ass, a fact in which Jethro has been rubbing my nose for days now. He walks around all cocky, flexing his buttock muscles, pointing at me at random intervals, and saying, "You and Jay can suck my dick. He wants me." It's bordering on the obscene.

Now AJ didn't come up with the exact idea, but he set me on the right track, so he gets to see one boob. Just kidding. The boy's in Iraq for crying out loud. I wouldn't do him like that.

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Ensberg should have sacrificed and circumstances beyond our control prevented us from following our prescription for Astros' success. I don't want to talk about it.

Thursday, October 20, 2005


I think we have discovered the winning strategy for Astros victory. I CANNOT wear my Astros lounge pants at any time during the game. I probably shouldn't even look at them. Any time Jethro or I display a moment of confidence I must knock on at least two different pieces of wood. Jethro must also buy a 6 pack of Coronas during the 4th and 5th innings. He must open mine for me and let me have the first sip. And finally, I must masturbate said Corona gently during the 8th inning and simulate a vigorous blow job on it during the 9th, all the time whispering what I will do to every single pitcher if they win and if Jethro would release me from the marital vows for about 30 seconds apiece.

I reinjured my toe while giving Jethro's leg a thorough victory humping. Don't feel bad. It was worth it.


Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Random (and yes, I know that word is overused) Thoughts (that are somehow mostly on fatness)

1. I think it's cheating if you lose weight by having a gastric bypass or liposuction, so if you have had it, spare me the lectures on healthy eating.

2. I had a dream that my sister told me I was a size Jumbo. I woke up pissed off and hungry.

3. You know certain pants are bad if they make the store mannequins look fat.

4. I have to look good when Jethro becomes a chiropractor or people won't take him seriously.

5. Men are pigs and women are whores. No judgments.

6. Christopher Walken has jumped the shark.

7. Drugs=Eugenics. Legalize them.

8. There is an individual who currently exists for whom I feel no guilt over wishing him cancer, prison sex, castration, and death by suffocation with his own child's umbilical cord and after his eyeballs have been removed and replaced with his own testicles.

9. I have an overdeveloped sense of justice.

10.I'm actually a very laid-back person.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Would You Look At That!

What blows my mind is that she's wearing a thong too. My sexy underwear are bigger than those "shorts."

Monday, October 17, 2005

So I haven't lost my mind yet. I still don't have any order to my life, but I have an idea of how that order is to take shape, so it's a start. It's funny. I talk about masturbating, and suddenly I don't have to anymore. I think Jethro takes it personally.

Jeth and I went to a sex toy party the other night at the home of two married lesbians. I was peer pressured into buying a vibrator called "the insatiable g." It's made out of some kind of gel and it's curved inward. It also has a circle that's supposed to stimulate the clitoris. You push the vibrating bullets into both the phallus and the clitoral stimulator and it's supposed to stimulate your g-spot and bring you to earth-shattering, ear-splitting, eye rolling, tongue wiggling climax in under three minutes. It put me to sleep. If you want the truth (and I can't imagine why you would), I think the phallus was too small and soft. Pardon me, but I like a big, hard cock. Thank you.

There is something I find interesting about society. We insult each other with abandon. We are all cheerful, unashamed hypocrites when it comes to judging not. Mind you, I'm not judging this, but you take a pro-choice, anti-christian, liberal and let her know that you are a pro-life, non-religious, who is unashamed of her sex life, and suddenly you are a "dirty-mouthed skank whore" who has no right to an opinion just because she writes a dirty little blog. Like I would have more of a right to speak if I were a christian fundamentalist damning her to an eternity of hell and writing about stew and brown bread.

I've come to realize that I scare people. I scare die-hard pro-choicers because I'm a woman, but I'm not religious and don't think religion has anything to do with the issue. I scare liberals who play the race card because of Jethro. I scare religious people who worry about the future of the conservative movement. I scare Libertarians because if there is anyone who should be converted, it's me, but I oppose their priorities.

The sickest part about all of this is that I enjoy it. I enjoy it when I can't be defined. I get wet when someone calls me a racist, then sees Jethro. My nipples get hard when a pro-choicer calls me a whore. I don't know why and I don't care.

I haven't been this honest in awhile. It feels good.

Friday, October 14, 2005


Please forgive what will be a very disjointed post.

I'm poorly. I have too many things on my plate. I decided to organize the house and it isn't going well. I decided to do everything at once so there are huge piles of clothes and toys and crap all over the house. I hate it.

On top of that Jethro has his boards and I'm doing online real estate classes which are completely boring and utter bullshit.

On top of that, Stepfather decided to get an office so I won't be working from home any longer. I'm fine with that, but he needs a desk, so I volunteered my home desk. This means my office can become Gwennie's room and there will be a place for all the toys and clothes (hopefully).

There is an order that things have to go in, and if you know me, you know how I detest order. I have to clean my bedroom, so I can move the computer out of the office, so I can move the desk to the new office, so I can move Gwennie's stuff into the office, so I can organize the toys and clothes and finally, finally clean up the living room, so I can concentrate on my real estate classes, so I can pass the test, so I can make some money, so we can move out of this dump. It's like the house that Jack built - and I'm no goddam architect.

On top of that, Carrie, the girl who is staying with us is due to have her baby any freakin' second. She's overdue by about 4 days and I'm ready to induce her myself.

On top of that, the toe I tried to kick Carlos in the balls with, but missed and hit his knee instead, is not healing. I have been limping for two weeks now, and it's really starting to interfere with my Carmen Electra Striptease Workout. Has anyone ever seen/been aroused by a limping stripper? I didn't think so. But if I ever have a band, that's what I'm going to call it. Limping Stripper. I can feel the damaged muscle and it's one that I have to walk on, so I imagine it will take quite a long time to heal. I'm supposed to keep it elevated (pardon me while I laugh hysterically).

So what do I do in the face of all this stress? I blog. And I masturbate. And I'm very good at both.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

The Zoo

I still don't know what we're going to be for Halloween. There are actually a couple we are considering, so keep up the good work.

Jethro and I took the girls on a trip to the Houston Zoo this past Sunday. I have fond memories of the zoo. One time we went, there was a lady getting her picture taken by the monkey cages. She was standing there grinning like an idiot, while a monkey wanked it just above her head. She had no idea. It was hysterical.

Jethro's ex worked at the zoo for awhile. When the subject would come up, I would tell people her job was to stand in front of the monkeys and keep them from masturbating. Yeah. Don't ever date my husband.

This past visit was relatively uneventful. Gwennie lu-hu-hu-huves animals and was in 7th heaven when she thought some birds were trying to talk to her. "Look Mommy! They're talking to me! K-a-a-a!! K-a-a-a!!" she said earnestly. It was cute. Emma was very excited to see a "baby jagwater" as she calls both jaguar kittens or any other small cat resembling a jaguar. The zebras were also on her must see list along with koalas, giraffes, and tigers.

The funniest thing happened when we were eating lunch before we got to the zoo. We thought it would be nice to take the girls out for a little brunch, and our waiter happened to be as bald as a bean. As he left the table, Gwennie said, "Daddy, how do you say 'bald' in Vietnamese?" It wasn't as bad as the time she told the nice waitress she had a big butt and then laughed hysterically, but it was up there. Unfortunately, I wasn't paying attention to why she was asking that question, and I thought it was interesting, so I repeated it to Jethro who put his head in his hands and started crying softly.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Help Me Please

I am philosophically challenged at coming up with Halloween costumes. Showing off my boobs three years in a row is just tacky. I want something funny that doesn't involve Jethro in assless chaps - not that I wouldn't appreciate that, but he is too much of a prude.

Any suggestions would be most helpful and if I use any of your ideas, I'll send you a boob picture if you're a guy. If you're a gal, I'll take a pic of Jethro in the shower. He won't like it, but I'll risk his displeasure and it's the only time I'll be able to photograph him naked and scowling. And don't anyone dare say they don't want to see my husband nude.

Friday, October 07, 2005

A Forty-Year Old Virgin Reviews A Forty Year Old Virgin. Go Read It and Give Him Some Love

I was driving Emma to preschool and some idiot cut me off. I gave him my standard "fuck you." Emma started shrieking hysterically from the back seat. "I like dat word," she sighed when she was through laughing.



If you've never given a blow job with pop rocks in your mouth, I highly recommend it. Fun for you, cheap for them - or something equivalent.


That's pretty much all I have for today. Peace, Love, and Crabs.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Conversations With Gwennie

Zelda: "You really don't talk about anything but Sponge Bob with Nicholas, do you?"

Gwennie: "Not really, but tomorrow I'm going to tell him about Phantom of the Opera."


Zelda: "What is your problem?!!!"

Gwennie: "Here or at school?"


Zelda: "Gwennie, sit down, cross your legs and put your hands in your lap. See? Emma's doing it and I didn't even have to ask her."

Gwennie: "She cheated."


(a letter from Gwennie, misspellings included)

Dear Evereone,

Please bring babies into this hows. I will tak good car of them. It would make me really glad.



Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Jethro was late getting up this morning and was in a frenzy trying to leave for clinic. He yanked open the door of the shower (while I was in it) to kiss me good-bye. After he did, I saw him for one brief second, look at my tits.

This is the power. He's late for work, he's seen them one-hundred thousand times, and he still looks.

Yeah. *smacks her own ass.* I still got it.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

I'm considering myself tagged by Brighton.

The rules are:
1. Go into your archive.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Find the fifth sentence (or closest to).
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
5. Tag five other people to do the same.

"I guess I have always been kind of non-conformist."

This does, in fact, sum up my blog.

I'm tagging Jen, Jethro, JP, John (you know who you are), and Gooch.


Jethro and I went to Carlos's welcome home party last night. It was an interesting time. I bit his ass and Jethro filmed it. Everyone was pinching each others' nipples. Carlos dunked me in the pool. Jethro dunked Micky (his ex) in the pool (entirely her fault) and brained her a little on the side of it. He ended up in the pool too because if he hadn't she would have been crushed like an armadillo in hill country. I'll explain what happened.

After Carlos dunked me, I didn't want to get out of the pool, but I was bored so I called Jethro over to come drink with me. Micky had already been in the pool and decided that she would shoving Jethro in as well.

Jethro stood up, with her firmly implanted on his back and flung her pretty damn hard at the water. Now common sense dictates that when you are being launched towards water and concrete, you aim yourself at the liquid. For some reason, Micky held onto Jethro and ended up smashed against the side of the pool. Jethro jumped in to lessen the impact.

A short time later, I had the perfect opportunity to push Micky's husband into the pool, but I didn't. And I let him know it. He thanked me profusely and I got the last word whether Micky knows it or not. So there. Nya.

But there were funny moments too. Later that evening I tried to pull Carlos's pants down, then ran away. He pretended to chase me then told me I ran like old people fuck. I knew I was about to get pantsed so I turned around and hissed at him aggressively. It wasn't planned or anything. Apparently, it is what I do when I'm cornered. Carlos started laughing and didn't pants me. We started sparring and he aimed one at my face. I kicked at his balls, but he cock-blocked and I kicked his knee with my big toe which hurt like the very devil. Still does. It's swelled up real big and it's all red. Well, the top is red, the bottom is kind of pink. I think Jethro was amused. But I know for sure that he would have pantsed me.

Over the course of the evening, I got to wondering about this group of ours. We are all college friends and I think everyone has slept with everyone at least once (or just made-out with, in my case). A lot of us are married now - and, if not to each other, always to people who fit right in. I was drunkenly observing all of our drunken behavior last night and I wondered if this was how scandals and key parties get started. It was depressing. As time goes by you lose more and more innocence. Oh, I know people think they are all bad in college, but it's an innocent kind of bad. I see potential for much greater harm in an incestuous little group of college friends after everyone starts pairing off. I hope it won't happen, but it might. It's the way things go. But I made a drunken decision that I won't allow that to happen to Jethro or me. You can mock the drunkenness, but my drunken decisions stick. I was drunk when I decided that Jethro would be the First. And that was almost a year before it happened.

Now I don't mind anything that happened last night. Some light-hearted titty twisting is just fine with me. But there is a stage where things can degenerate and I mean to be alert to it.

In other personal news, there is a possible job for Jethro right here where we are living now. It would be perfect because I'm taking my real estate classes as we speak, and I could stay here and build up my business while Jethro builds up his. I should be ecstatic. I have no right NOT to be ecstatic. But I'm not thrilled. I can't stand where we live. It is so fake and nouveau riche and utterly stifling. Give me the city or the country. I don't really care which. Just not the mind-numbing mundanity of the suburbs. I want to move to Wimberly, TX. Ok. I'm done bitching. I will start counting my blessings and quit being an ungrateful bitch. Yeah. That'll happen.


Oh, and yesterday was my blog's birthday. Yeah. I know.