Wednesday, June 25, 2008

What I'd Do With My Panties In A Moment Of Weakness

I just completed a big art project and my relief is profound. I'm still not done with the class and still have several more projects, but at least the big one is out of the way. I thought I was getting off easy by doing something that didn't have to be drawn, but it was every bit as time-consuming.

I think it went off alright, though. I made a great big noise and didn't hurt myself too badly so all in all, success.

I've been working out more lately too. And it's been good. I don't think I'll lose much weight, but I will probably get stronger which couldn't hurt. I can barely open doors right now. I've been concentrating on my pecs and back. I need them to keep the twins aloft.

And with all the stress of classes and my procrastination habits, I haven't gotten enough sleep so I have this great scratchy voice, which I kind of like. I sound a little bit like Steven Tyler. And what is it with him, anyway? I pride myself on not succumbing to the lure of celebrity. I can usually acknowledg their talent without turning into a screaming mass of hysterical pudding, but Steven Tyler makes me want to hurl my panties and whatever other undergarments I could manage to disengage and hump his scrawney leg. I don't get it.

Saturday, June 21, 2008


My next door neighbor-lady when we lived in Houston called me yesterday telling me she was leaving her sick, abusive, little-girl molesting husband, taking her two sons, and moving up close to New Town to live with her mother.

Her mother called me this afternoon asking if I had heard from them. She was waiting at their house to take them all up to New Town, and they were supposed to be back from a Dr.'s appointment, but were an hour late.

I thought she was being paranoid until she told me that Molester had insisted on going with them. Then I didn't blame her for being nervous.

Anyway, long story short, I told Neighbor-Lady's mom to call me no matter what.

I did get the call, and Neighbor Lady did not leave with her.

Why? Why? Why?

I know, I know.

I still can't stand it. I'm not a very good person, but I am not above helping someone out when they're in an unacceptable situation. I told Neighbor-Lady that yesterday (that I would help her, not that I wasn't a very good person.)

Part of me is trying to be relieved that she won't be near me and that I won't have to deal with her problems. But I can't. I genuinely like her and she's never done anything to me or my family. A little inconvenience here and there doesn't bother me at all.

And her kids. Her poor fucking kids. They are too young to know what their dad is doing to them psychologically, but they are both medicated up to their poor little eyeballs - the only reason being their home life is so shitty. They behave horribly because no one teaches them any better. And I think it's probably too late. I think the pathology brought on by such neglect means that anyone who tries to correct them is in danger of being stabbed in their sleep. Life is going to have to kick their asses now.

Her mom asked if I would call her and just let her know that she could leave anytime she wanted, but not to tell her that she (her mom) and I had been in touch. I called Neighbor-lady a few hours ago. She said she's not leaving and her answers to my other questions were terse. I could hear molester asking her who it was in the background.

I don't know that I'm not expecting to hear of a triple murder/suicide in the next month or so.

Thursday, June 19, 2008



I can't sleep (obviously). My arm is hurting like a bitch. I was playing catch with Jethro over the weekend and I managed to catch a baseball with my wrist and forearm, sending shock waves through the nerves which then exploded like nanotechnological fireworks all the way to my fingertips. You'd think that would be enough to render my arm useless for at least a day or two, but no. I kept an ice pack on it from Houston all the way to Austin (where we dropped off one of my sisters) and the ultrasounded it at the clinic yesterday and it was mostly normal, just a little sore. Then last night, my other arm started hurting for no reason I could remember. I didn't think much of it, but I had a lot of trouble sleeping.

Jethro checked it out at the clinic today, using the opportunity to feel me up unexpectedly, and said it was thoracic something-or-other and it was quite serious. I bit my lip a little and asked him what the hell he was talking about, and then he laughed at me for believing him which seemed premature. I hadn't actually bought it completely yet. But I do hate it when he knows words that I don't. It isn't right. English isn't even his first language.

So, the problem, apparently is tha my right pec and shoulder muscles are constricting an artery which is affecting circulation to my right arm. Not serious, just annoying. I probably worked those muscles playing catch. Damn baseball. Why do I love it so?

In other news, it has been a stellar week for Jethro and me, extra-maritally speaking. On Saturday I received a call from my friend Joe from school. He was at a swingers club and after some brief perfunctory conversation, he said Jethro and I needed to get a babysitter and come on down to the VIP room where we could do whatever and could even kick him out if we wanted.

He texted me later and said he was on a head full of turkey (does anyone know exactly what that means? Urban dictionary has failed me, unless he was talking about the opposite of a virgin, which would be interesting but, I think, inaccurate).

And as flattered as I am that while he was in what I am assuming was a state of complete inebriation and possibly something more, he wanted to watch Jethro and I get it on, I just don't see us succumbing to that type of temptation. I suppose I should feel insulted that he thinks I'm that type of girl, but I'm not. Insulted.

If you can believe it, I'm actually a little shy about sex outside of a strictly marital context. Sex is a really really really big scary deal to me when I don't have the safety net of a sweet, hot, funny guy who would never break my heart. But in that kind of relationship, sex is amusing, fun and interesting (if innappropriate) to discuss. And of course it's fascinating to hear about others' exploits. Just because I would never be brave (or stupid, yes I said stupid) enough to engage in them doesn't mean I'm unwilling to be entertained by the courage/absurdity of others.

And in keeping with the current theme, I was working the front desk at the clinic today, and I got a call from Jethro's wannabe girlfriend. I answered the phone and she, without identifying herself, asked to speak to Dr. Jethro. I had no idea it was her, but he was with another patient and I told her so. I think she was expecting the regular front desk girl to answer because when I asked her if I could take a message she babbled weirdly about her nervous system and how she needed someone knowledgeable to answer some questions.

Now I know my husband is knowledgeable, but he isn't a psychic and I kind of need to have a name and number so he can return the call. I had to ask her twice and she finally mumbled it rapidly. It all clicked then. Jethro has himself a chubby little stalker.

I think I should have a polite conversation with her. I can tell her about this club I know where we can get the VIP room, stuff our heads full of turkey, and do whatever....

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

What's In A Thumb?

Did you ever do something so stupid it made you seriously wonder how you came to make it to your 30s?

I just sliced open my thumb with a paper cutter. If I told you how I did it, you'd think I was challenged. If I told you what I was cutting with the paper cutter and why, you'd think I needed institutionalization. And you're probably right.

Now to change the subject, Gwennie remarked to me in the midst of a complaining marathon about the heat and the fact that she was out in it, she remarked that she was "hotter than 'the core'" meaning the earth's core. I thought that was a unique way of putting it.

And have I mentioned lately how sweet my Emma is? She's the kid who will just come up and give you a hug and kiss for no reason at all, just because she's sweet. And she unloaded the dishwasher without anyone asking her to the other day. She really is gold.

Monday, June 09, 2008

Little Boy Blue

I guess the summer slump hit me a little early this year. That or the fact that I've been so busy I forgot to put anti-perspirant on one armpit which resulted in some interesting looking (and smelling) designs on one of my tops.

I have so much to write about I don't know where to begin.

My grandfather has decided to hold a contest which would reward the first of my sisters and me to biologically produce the first male in our family.

He says he only has a short time left and he wants to see a boy in our family before he goes.

I'd say he is a misogynistic old bastard, but he does have a point.

The only rules are that the son must be legitimate and he can't be adopted. The reward is at least $1,000 possibly more if his stocks are doing well.

Since only one of my sisters is married besides me, that puts her and I ahead of the others. She texted me the other day telling me the game was afoot.

So to sum things up, I am considering having another baby, not for the money, but because I want another one anyway and it would be nice for Grandpa to meet another great-grandkid before he must depart.

And of course if I have another one, I would then like to have one more fairly quickly just to even things up.

So we'll see how it works out. Jethro needs some convincing and I don't hold that against him. I'm a horror when I'm pregnant. Although I look fantastic after I have the kids. I lose weight instead of gaining it. I know. Don't hate me.