Thursday, March 30, 2006

I posted a little update on Payasita regarding the safe release of Jill Carroll. I'm ecstatic that we didn't have to watch her beheading on video, but....


I was awakened to an unreasonable sense of annoyance by Gwennie and Emma's alarm clock. James Blunt's song, "You're Beautiful" was playing. You know the one where he removes a goodly portion of his clothes in the video and then plunges off a cliff into cold water? There are three reasons this song annoys me. The first is that he sings it in his nose just like the hippies of old. I find it distasteful.

Secondly, he obsessive compulsively removes his shirts, shoes, and lines up everything, including all the crap in his pockets. Then he pussies out and doesn't take his pants off. If you're going to start stripping, be a man and go for the gold. Otherwise, I am going to assume this is because you don't have a penis.

Thirdly, the cliff isn't high enough. I know this may seem like a minor point, but if I have to hear you whining about some chick who is probably very happy with a real man while you bare parts of your body, there probably isn't a cliff that would be high enough to satisfy me. But you could make a better attempt. I suppose raking in the sweet moolah keeps you from being true to yourself. Pity.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

This is pretty fucking cool. I'm turned on by him in the manner of bass players.


And speaking of bass, you are all pretty much aware that Jethro is a tit man. That's his thing. But I have found the one event for which he will ignore the most powerful bosoms on earth.

The Bassmaster Classic.

I'm sure it is no accident they call this event the "Bassmaster" Classic. The joke is too obvious. A bunch of men catching fish and humping the sides of their boats when they feel the fish are big enough to warrant a primitive display of virility. I've even seen them wiggle their tongues lewdly, both fish and pelvises thrust outward, and inform the camera that they "like them some of that."

Despite the lack of subtlety, I have to wonder whether these fellows are really in on the joke or not. Or perhaps I'm just reading too much into it.


So Jethro and I had a very interesting weekend. We went out Saturday night to our friends' bar. If you click on the link, go click on the pictures. Jen took them.

Sometimes I get the feeling I shouldn't be allowed in public. I can get pretty crude when I've been drinking. Yes, I know. You don't have to tell me. After the bar, we went to a tittie bar called Treasures. I won't give them a link because they sucked. The personell were rude, the dancers were skanky, and the patrons were psychotic. We left pretty quickly. We're not exactly setting out to go to tittie bars though. We had a friend in the army who wanted to go. And since he is very likely to be sent to Afghanistan, we said we'd go with him so he didn't spend too much money. Yeah. That's it.

Sunday, we were dying, but we went to meet Sam and his gorgeous wife AT Lupe Tortillas. They're both hot. I instantly felt fat and moist. It didn't help that I had been drinking all night and the crystal deodorant I use because I don't want breast cancer was failing wildly. But they were a fun couple with a great sense of humor and I really enjoyed meeting them. I hope to see them again when I've lost 10 lbs and I'm not steeped in my own alcoholic perspiration. Maybe at Blogmeet 2006?

Friday, March 24, 2006

Tidbits For The Weekend

Jethro got a really decent job offer. I'm so excited. Aroused, if you will. I suppose I should probably blow him and make him some bacon.


I watched The Aristocrats the other night. I was warned by so many that it was foul in the extreme, and then I came across this blog entry. Warning: Do Not Read. Well of course I was now compelled to watch it.

When I rented it at the video store, the video store clerk (who I have a slight platonic crush on probably because he wears earrings that look like they're made of bullet casings similar to mine, only mine are real), turned an intriguing shade of dark red when I went to check it out.

"You know what this movie is about, right?" he asked cautiously, avoiding my eyes.

"Yes indeed I do," I replied.

"Well, I had to ask," he said, turning his normal color once again. "Some people think they're renting "The Aristocats" or something similar and then they come in and yell at me. I didn't want you to see it without a proper warning."

"Was it that bad?"

"Well, I saw it in the movie theater and people started throwing things and walking out."

"Did you like it?"

He paused before he answered. "I don't think it is one of those movies you can say you liked."

"Did you at least laugh?" I was curious.

"Not that I'll admit to," he said, turning the now familiar shade.

"Now I really have to see it."

I paid and left. It wasn't as bad as I'd been led to believe. Jethro, the big perv, thought it was boring and went to bed.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Alright. I admit it. I succumbed. Two posts in a row mentioning (if not featuring) defecation. I never thought my boundaries would stretch so far, but apparently my hypocrisy has limits and my blog has none. Let's play a drinking game. For every Tombstone reference, however subtle, drink.
So is everyone all ready for Blogmeet 2006? I am. It's on my 30th birthday, so I'm hoping I will be too distracted by all the wild partying to feel the sting.
I'm going on a diet too, or as they say, I'm changing my lifestyle patterns to incorporate food in a healthy way. And you have to move your forearms and hands in a circle, outward from your chest when you say "healthy."

I think I will start posting the ridiculous amount of food I eat per day. Then you people need to start saying things like, "You need a forklift for those mashed potatoes?" and "Poor fucking Jethro, trying to tap that ass." Perhaps some light degradation will inspire willpower. Nothing else seems to be working. But I can't start until the evening. It's after 6:00 pm that it all breaks down. It is 4:00 pm and all I've had today has been a forkful of scrambled eggs from Emma's plate. But come suppertime, it's "roll out the dumptrucks, mama's gettin' her feed on." And the frenzy doesn't stop until midnight.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

I Do Not Have A Fecal Obsession

Zelda: "I have to leave for work in a few minutes. I insist that you do me."

Jethro: "I can't. I have to take a dump."

Zelda: "Bullshit. Butch up there, cowboy and git 'er done. I can have sex when I have to poop."

Jethro: "You couldn't the other day."

Zelda: "Sometimes I can't, but sometimes I can."

Jethro: "Well sometimes I can too, but now isn't one of them."


Zelda: "Do we know too much about each other now?"

Jethro: *avoiding eye contact* "Yes."

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Rest in Hell, Fax Machine

I am going to destroy my fax. As soon as Jethro gets his first paycheck, I am going to take it out to the back yard and hack it to little pieces just like they did to the copier in Office Space. Then I am going to go the extra step and take a massive crap on it. Then I'm going to bury the steaming remains and stand over it, screaming like a widowed gold-digger until someone slaps me in the face.

Is anyone else turned on?

Thursday, March 16, 2006

I have been bitching about my hair lately. It's too long. I tend to procrastinate, so I really need hair that is easy to deal with, and long hair just isn't. But Jethro likes it long. And really, what else do I have to do in life but keep him happy?

But I've bitched about it anyway.

This morning, as I was brushing my teeth, Jethro came up behind me and started gently brushing my hair. He said, if I would keep it long, he's help me brush it. It was so romantic. Until he encountered a tangle.

"What the heck is this?"

"IT'S NOT SPERM!!!" I shouted in reference to one of Jethro's former roomates who used to categorically deny the hard crust on his bed was anything other than vanilla ice cream.

Just one of the many twisted ways in which we live our lives.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Michael Jackson Television

Okay, I know I'm supposed to be working, but I just had to comment on that Fox show Black. White.

If I wanted to talk about how ridiculous it was, I wouldn't know where to start, and I'd be here the whole damn day.

So instead, I'll pick apart MSN's review of the show. It will simplify things.

The first thing I take issue with is this statement:

"Black.White." proceeds with open-minded seriousness as it leads viewers to a conclusion both obvious and powerful: race counts, for better and worse. Expressions of racism and racial identity change, but that bedrock truth remains."

First of all, how can it proceed with "open-minded seriousness" if it is leading viewers to an obvious and powerful conclusion? There is no open mindedness when you've arrived in advance at the "bedrock truth."

R.J. Cutler, the show's producer said, "I didn't realize how genuinely different an experience it is to be a white American and a black American."

Is that douchebag fucking serious? There would be an even lesser point than there already is to this show if he thought experiences between blacks and whites weren't genuinely different.

The next thing I take issue with is this precious tidbit: "The series' timing is notable, with race brought into renewed focus by Hurricane Katrina and the disproportionate suffering it caused for blacks in New Orleans. But "Black.White." was conceived before the hurricane, Landgraf said."

Actually, I have two problems with this statement. First the disproportionate suffering of blacks in New Orleans is due to the fact that there were a disproportionate number of blacks in New Orleans. But the actual death toll tells a different story. The black population of the city was around 67% before the storm. The white population stood at 28%. Yet the ratio of black deaths to white according to the vital statistics of the Louisiana governors' office is 48% 41%. It isn't particularly relevant to the show, but it's just one issue that proves there is no honest discussion about race no matter how you spray paint people.

The other issue I have with this statement is minor, but it irritates me. It says the series timing is notable because race issues have been brought into focus by the hurricane, but the idea was conceived before the hurricane. What does that have to do with timing? You can conceive an idea any old time, but inflicting on the public at large takes precision.

And the last issue I have is with Larry E. Davis, director of the University of Pittsburgh's Center on Race and Social Problems. He says the program "will bring (issues of race) into a context and a time frame and a reality that a new generation can comprehend, can relate to and understand," The goal is to "keep hammering away, hammering [a]way, hammering away at the problem."

Ugh. If the goal is to keep hammering away, then I have a headache. Can't people be left alone by the media to enjoy each others' company without having it analyzed and dissected into little pieces? I'm convinced most race issues wouldn't be issues if an exceedingly lazy press would actually investigate something important and quit "hammering away" at ordinary people who just want to live in peace. It opens racial wounds where there weren't any before and it gives people reason to distrust each other. I know the media thrives on one segment of the population's distrust of another, but please. This is at our expense.

And could they have gotten a more bizarre white family? The worst aspect of them (among many) is that they consider themselves liberal. This promulgates the unfortunate thought that if "liberals" are this ignorant, think how bad conservatives must be.

Most people I know, conservative, liberal or otherwise, are not prejudiced or if they are, it can be broken down almost immediately as long as you don't give them a reason to think otherwise. And seeing how inadvertent prejudice is impossible to eliminate, it seems like a pretty good place to be.

And that's pretty much how I see the race issue. If you are an ignorant fool who enjoys offending or taking offense, then I do not care to be in your company. Skin color is irrelevant. Same for friendship. But I admit that I tend to value my non-white friendships just a little more because it wasn't that long ago that it might have been very difficult to have them. But this results from gratitude for my friends, not from a hatred or dislike of my of my own race.

What baffled me about this program was the blindness of the white family. They don't seem to have any inkling that the white race is being judged by their example and even worse, that they are being looked upon in spite of their liberalism, as ignorant racists.

So if the intention of this show is to give whites a taste of their own (supposed) medicine, in that every time you see the white people, you want to scream "Nooooooooo! We're not all like that!" then it is working just fine.

If the intention is to open an honest dialogue about race relations, it fails spectacularly.

But maybe I am looking at race issues through the Houston spectrum and perhaps it isn't exactly honest. I mean, there are so many different racial mixes here, that if you were to discriminate on the basis of race, you would find yourself a very lonely person.

But as far as this program is concerned, the conclusion has already been reached. Case closed. Whites do not like blacks and that is the bedrock truth.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

I have a lot on my mind, and very little time to blog. Jethro sent in a resume to a chiropractic office so hopefully he will have some part time work while he sets up.

And I have to get my realtor's licence. I've been putting it off for far too long, and I've decided it's time to buckle down and get it. The saddest thing is that it will be the first thing I've ever accomplished. I didn't graduate high school, I didn't graduate college, but I'll be damned if I don't graduate real estate school.

So on that note, I am going on blog hiatus until it's done (unless something truly noteworthy happens, like we win the lottery or have particularly good sexual intercourse).

And on that note again, I will leave you with a few things you may not know about me. And you need to.

1.) I am a huge Sherlock Holmes fan (and by huge I mean avid, not fat).

2.) I play piano, guitar and violin (the violin since I was four).

3.) I have flat feet. What was once an extreme childhood humiliation due to the hideously ugly shoes my parents made me wear, is now nothing more than a minor annoyance.

4.) The first lie I ever told was when I was eight and I swore up and down that I did not cheat at dodgeball. The devil made me do it and I felt horrible about it for years.

5.) I've been arrested twice and fondled once by a cop. That should explain my medical fetish.

Monday, March 06, 2006

I guess the Academy finally "knew how to quit" them and gave Best Picture to Crash. Undoubtedly they are ignorant homophobes who have never known the joy of homoerotic intimacy in a pup tent, but Crash still seemed like a really good movie - from the clips I've seen.

I didn't even intend to watch the Academy Awards, but my sense of humor forced me to tune in for the last awards. I was ecstatic to see Ang Lee win an oscar for directing Brokeback. I consider him a true artist and there is probably no subject from which he couldn't wrestle some beauty.

Larry McMurtry won for best adapted screenplay for Brokeback, and I thought that was great too. I love Larry McMurtry even though he's written a few real stinkers. But anyone who can open a book with the image of a naked, 200lb whore is, at the very least, an interesting person.

Anyway, it doesn't much matter. If Titanic could win, anything could win and that does rather take away from the event as a whole.


So Jethro and I have been married 7 years today. It's hard to believe I was 22 when I got married. It seems so idiotically young. Then again, it seems like a ridiculous age to be a single parent, so I'm glad we did. People have asked me if I feel as if I missed out on things by getting married so early. I guess I do sometimes, but when it comes down to it, what was there to do that I missed out on? Sleep with a lot of people? It wasn't my style anyway. Travel? I didn't do a tremendous amount, but the amount I did was thoroughly satisfying. Go out and party? If the whole point is to get laid, why bother? I got a sure thing. Besides, I've seen what's out there and let's just say I guard Jethro's health very carefully.

Friday, March 03, 2006

How do I hate thee...let me count the ways. Jethro got the results of his jurisprudence test. He passed, naturally. But does he have his license? No. The Texas Chiropractic Board of Examiners is holding it ransom for the sum of $99.00. What I would like to know is HOW DO THEY FUCKING EXPECT HIM TO PAY $99.00 IF HE DOESN'T HAVE A FUCKING JOB!!!!!!!!!

Surely, sending out a piece of paper through the mail doesn't cost $99.00. This is extortion. Don't like that word? Good. THIS IS EXTORTION.

If you knew how many fees we had to pay and how many times they arbitrarily raised the prices - you would cry. I'm crying. They don't nickel and dime you to death. They choke you out with thousands of dollars in fees.

And there is nowhere to complain. They tell you all over their letters not to call them. "Calling them could delay processing" they say. I would like to sue them. What they are doing is not legal. But what new doctor, anxious to start practicing, is going to hold up his license by suing? We're not. We can't fucking afford it. So we bite down a little harder on the ball gag and take it just a little deeper. Jethro's brokeback ass should be fine (just kidding, honey. I am only implying that you are more patient than I and am not in any way questioning your sexuality which have proven time and time again, unless you are thinking of me as a man which is probably not the case, but my natural humility must always account for the possibility), but it is not something to which I am accustomed.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Capone's Vault

I'm sorry to say that I discovered no guns or red sashes. Not even a deck of cards. There were several years worth of bank statements (at which I did not look), a broken DVD player and a Mike from Monsters Inc. doll. I was glad I didn't go live.


I just want everyone to know that I am going mad. Stark, raving mad. After the Texas Board of Chiropractic Examiners' one-millionth fuck up, Jethro still doesn't have his license. Someone is very close to dying. It's probably me. I won't go into the gory details of just how thoroughly they hose new doctors, but suffice it to say it isn't a gentle, pleasant sensation. I suppose you could compare it to a violent enema complete with choke collar and ball gag. I guess I lied about the gory details.

I am expecting him to have it any day, but it doesn't eliminate the stomach upset I suffer every time I think about it. The worst part is that I can't blog about any of our ideas because we don't want anyone to steal them. We have logos, names and other things I am just dying to run by the blogosphere, but since we don't have them registered yet, it would be a foolish thing to do.

If you ever want to have an amusing evening, go to dinner with two brand-new chiropracters and take note of how much they don't discuss.

I want a vacation. It doesn't have to be fancy. Just a day or two on the beach with some liquor. Jethro can fish, Gwen and Em can fly kites, and I can get crocked. It sounds like a win/win/win proposal all the way around.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006


One of our clients, no lie, is a relative of Wyatt Earp. Seriously. His last name is the same and everything, but he pronounces it differently. He is the nicest man in the world and does his best to downplay his famous/infamous kin, which I find endearing. Anyone who will tell you when their relatives are assholes is cool by me. I still love Tombstone.

We just recently sold his house and he has since moved out of town. Stepdad picked up some of his personal belongings that he left at the property. They are currently sitting in boxes not two feet away from me. The boxes are falling apart and not sealed in any way. I'm sitting here sweating like a whore on sale with the effort of not looking through them.

There is a high likelihood that I will succumb. I'll be sure to let you know.