Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Help Me Pick Out A Bra/Choose A Religion

I have to shill for a few products first.

#1 A toilet cleaner called SnoBol. It is incredible. Here in the south mold and mildew grow overnight, and while your toilet may be clean, it is still stained. This here product has removed the stains from my toilet bowl with the bare minimum of effort on my part, and for this, I will give them a little free advertising. Anything that saves me from overexerting myself in this oppressive southern heat will be a permanent staple of my grocery list.

#2 Tony Chachere's Creole Seasoning. I'm sure this is known to many people, but I just have to say that I am addicted. I put it on everything from BBQ to my scrambled eggs. It is great stuff if you like a little more spice in your foods. I don't know what spices are in it and I don't care. It is delicious.

Ok. I am considering this bra. It looks hot on the model, but I am hoping I won't end up with dissected breasts. That looks terrible. They are claiming to make it in my size though, so I may give it a shot.

Random Bit of Useless Information: On my songs list there is one by Michael Jackson that reads Michael Jackson - Hold Me (Free Willy). Say it in your head with a Scottish accent.

Thanks for all the kind comments about the girls. They are totally obnoxious and spoiled, but they look so cute that they weasle out of trouble. They are going to cause us no end of grief, but they are so much fun.

I asked the oldest one what she thought she would be when she grew up. She asked, "You mean like...an animal?" No matter how many times I explain it to her, she is laboring under the delusion that she is going to morph into something else when she grows up. Combine this with going to live with Baby Jesus when you die, and you have one wild religion. Leave me alone, I'm doing the best I can. Perhaps we ought to start Sunday School.

In case you may not have guessed, I am definitely a Christian. My parents were Jewish and Protestant respectively, converted to Catholicism, no wait, converted to cultish born-again Christianity, then Methodism, Assembly of God, Episcopalian, non-denominational then Catholicism upon my begging them to just pick one. You pick any sect of Christianity and I will take any odds that I have spent at least one Sunday picking my nose in their respective house of worship.

I have decided, for the time being, to take a hiatus from the Catholic Church to reassess the nature of our relationship. However, I would like to raise my children as Christians. I don't care to discuss my own faith in God, I will only say that I have been helped by it in ways that I couldn't even begin to explain. I have no illusions as to the permanancy of religion in anyone's life, but I'd still like a shot at laying out my best case for the girls. Obviously they may choose something else down the line.

I'm sure I had a deep and vast point, but I'm too tired to ferret it out. I'll leave it to anyone who thinks it is worth it.



Inanna said...

Do the bra!! Saaweeeet!!! As far as religion, its really just being a good person that matters and using faith as a guide to making decisions in your life. When in doubt, start with the Golden Rule.

Zelda said...

Absolutely. The Golden Rule. I agree. But I also think it is harder to be a good person than people think. Most people consider themselves good when they aren't particularly. It's that one small step of unselfishness that seems to elude us. (I wholeheartedly include myself). I just wish it were easier.

Angi said...

whew, you ask some toughies don't you?

I am a Christian. Plain and simple. I choose to attend a Baptist church, that is where I feel most comfortable. That is where I fit.

The majority of Christians have the same base beliefs, varying in one way or another. I think you have to figure out which one of those "fits" you. Do you want more conservative worship? More contemporary? Sprinkle or full body dunk baptism. Do you want an exciting, shouting, foot stomping kind of service, or a more sedate, service? Those are the basic differences in different religions.

As long as the base is the fact that you know you have to go thru Christ to get into Heaven, then nothing else really matters.

I know many people will disagree with me. but religion is such a personal thing, your relationship with Christ is purely personal. No one can enhance it for you, no one can know what your relationship is like, no one can judge that relationship except for you, and Christ.

SnoBol, I haven't tried, may have to now, my toilets never look clean, even though they are.

Zelda said...

Angi - I guess I miss the Churches I used to go to in NY. At least the Catholic ones. Up north, Catholicism was definitely the majority Christian denomination. Every other church kind of took it's cue from it. I miss the traditional Churches with their architecture, windows, and the solemnity with which the Mass was offered.

Down here, Protestantism is the dominant religion and the Catholic churches takes her cue from that. The problem is that Catholicism doesn't lend itself to the guitar playing hippie Masses that the Southland seems to prefer. I mean, it is aesthetically displeasing to me to have some hippie choir director straining to get people to wave tambourines and put their hands in the air and sing at the top of their lungs, and go back to the ancient Mass with it's ancient words. I know they are trying to up their attendance and bring in more Protestants, but it seems gimmicky and shallow.

I guess I would like to go back to the Church, but I have to forgive them for a grave injustice and find one that doesn't make me cringe on Sundays. It seems like a whole lot of trouble when I feel content with my personal relationship with God. However, since that can't really be shared, I would like to have my daughters belong to a Church.

tinyhands said...

Funny you should mention it, but I too am on hiatus from the Catholic church. Not worth going into, but I've found that the individual church makes as much difference as the denomination. I've tested that theory in other cities as well. I've always liked St. Michael near the Galleria, and my favorite priest is at Christ the Redeemer way out 290. Never cared much for my parent's parish in Clear Lake, but no need to get more specific than that.

As for the (drool) bra...that's about as religious as I get these days. I'm praying for that next time.

tinyhands said...

Hippies and tamborines vs. ancient mass - exactly why I don't like many churches, specifically my parents'. I think you'd like St. Michael in that regard. Traditional without being stuffy (despite the address).

Zelda said...

Tinyhands - You know, I don't know that it isn't worth not going into. Religion is such a touchy subject. I want to be Catholic, and I still consider myself Catholic, but I feel as if there is a real disconnect between the heirarchy and the people. That and I can't find a Mass that I can sit through. I'll keep your recommendations in mind. The best priests I have ever known are all dead. That may have something to do with it.

Jethro said...

Baby, get that bra. I'm going to have more fun taking it off though. ;-)

tinyhands said...

Sorry, I just meant I didn't think my personal reasons were all that important- divorce, apathy, clinical depression, that sort of thing- and shouldn't affect your reasoning. Even on Easter, the holiest day of the year, I found myself sitting there thinking I was wasting my time. I'll eventually be back in church, but at the moment it isn't important to me. FWIW, the scandals of the church don't have anything to do with my personal faith or lack thereof.

I don't want to blog-jack, so I'll stop there unless you're interested in my observations of some other Houston congregations.

Zelda said...

Tinyhands - I definitely am interested in your observations. I wouldn't have written the post if I weren't. Sorry to hear you are divorced and depressed. My apathy towards the Church has very little to do with the scandals either, althought I'd be lying if I said it didn't have some impact. Any thoughts on the Houston Catholic scene would be appreciated.

Anonymous said...

i used to be religious, taken quote a long time off. about 19 years to be exact. i just don't see the point anymore...

nita said...

the whole religion thing...yikes...we have a newborn and can't really decide how to bridge that one. i'm allll about the golden rule and that is how i truly live. i wish i had 'faith' because it would be easier to say to the babe 'just because' but i'll have to try to impart in her a belief in the power of the universe and karma...again, yikes. ok, back to reading for me. i'm new here!

Zelda said...

Yeah, it's an itchy subject. There is a reason why it is bad manners to discuss it at dinner parties. I just remember faith in God being such a comfort when I was little. I wasn't raised in a fire and brimstone kind of household, but God was always present and he was always good. It was wonderful for me. Now, I want that for my daughters but I am not quite sure how to go about giving it to them. For that and the weather, I wish I lived back in NY.

tinyhands said...

(Apologies to everyone else...this is long)
I didn't grow up in an excessively religious household. We went to church every sunday (and dressed up- NO jeans, shorts, or sneakers), but we only said grace on holidays, no prayers at night, etc. When I first went away to college I stopped going to church because it had been mandatory and I didn't really like my parents parish. When I found that I really liked the cathedral-style church & services at St. Austin (in Austin) it occurred to me that all churches were not created equal and we're generally fortunate enough to be able to choose. Once I found a church I liked, it was easy to attend. I know how if you've been away from the church for a while it seems like everyone knows and is looking at you funny. They're not. If you're ready to go back to church, they're glad to have you.

Now, I haven't been to mass (apart from the major holy days, which mom would kill me if I skipped) in maybe 2 years, and it's been longer since visiting some of these, but my impressions in no particular order:

-St. Michael (Galleria): My favorite in Houston. Cathedral-style church with traditional services and music. Although it serves the Tanglewood neighborhoods, plenty of young adults from Augusta/Bering balance out the rich people. Masses were generally less than 55 minutes.

-St. Cyril of Alexandria (Westheimer @ BW8): Amphitheater-style church with very "showy" services. My favorite story- Fr. Jacques once YELLED at the congregation for applauding the choir after singing something classical. He wanted us to respect the mass. He's either dead or retired by now though. I met a very nice young black priest from there, whom I imagine gave a good homily, but I don't know if he's still there. Large Hispanic community.

-St. John Vianney (Memorial @ Eldridge): They built a new amphitheater-style church a couple years ago. I haven't been to a mass in the new church, but their music always leaned towards hippie instead of classical. Largest congregation in the state, so expect communion to take a while.

-St. Vincent de Paul (Bellaire/West U.): Cathedral-style church. I don't remember the music style, but I remember thinking I was out of place by not having children. Very efficient communion with eucharistic ministers widely distributed means less wait. Very active community, especially regarding the school.

-St. Claire (Clear Lake): Although it's designed around a central-aisle, I consider this an amphitheater-style church. The last 2 pastors here have let music dominate the mass, so expect greater than 70 minutes singing every verse of every hymn. Holy days are a MAJOR production with dancers, multiple processions, and coordinated lighting. The choir is very hippie, and there's a lot of hand-holding going on in the congregation. Don't be surprised if a deacon hugs you.

-Christ the Redeemer (Far NW): Haven't been here, but as I mentioned, Fr. Sean Horrigan is my main man(of-the-cloth) and was recently named pastor. He's a riot and really knows how to relate to people.

-St. Anne (River Oaks): Bring cash (no personal checks) and 2 forms of ID that prove you live in the parish. Kidding of course, but the most beautiful church in Houston is VERY strict about who they let get married there. Haven't been to mass there though.

-St. Bernadette (Clear Lake): Haven't been here in 15+ years, but they built a new amphitheater-style addition so I imagine their mass is as much a production as St. Claire's down the road.

Zelda said...

Tinyhands - This is great information for me. I had no idea you were local. And I don't even know if you are a boy or a girl. Perhaps you are an angel? I still have issues, but I don't think that should prevent us from going to church on Sundays. Now I just have to prod Jethro off his Buddist butt.

Inanna said...

ZeeZee - I forgot what I was going to say. Bra? Religion? Yeah, it is not easy being a good person... not at all and I fall short a lot!!! That's still not what I wanted to say....Ooocha!! I KNOW!!! If you ever get the chance to visit WV I'll take you to a snake handler's church. The nearest one is an hour into the boonies but the best one is about 3 1/2 hours into Deliverance country... talk about a religious experience, of course this is based on the experiences of others, I'm still working up the nerve to go.

Zelda said...

Inanna - I can honestly say that I have never picked my nose amidst that congregation. Jeth and I may actually have the opportunity to visit WV. I will definitely email you.

Anonymous said...

Get the bra. And if you look anything like the model, Jethro is not only the luckiest man alive, he is a GOD.

Zelda said...

Alas, I don't exactly strain the eyes, but I look nothing like the model.

Berry said...

Someone just posted this to me and I immediately thought of your post:

What religion is your bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's
and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter
and said "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a
sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material

"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really
only four types of bras to choose from."

Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The saleslady replied "There are the Catholic, the
Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist
types. Which one would you prefer?

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the
differences between them.

The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...
the Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation
Ar my type lifts the fallen, the Presbyterian type keeps
them staunch and upright, And the Baptist makes
mountains out of mole hills."

Bra Sizes: Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D,
DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra
sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure
out what the letters stood for, it is about time you
became informed!

{A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double Dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!