Tuesday, September 07, 2004

The Gang Bang

Oh man. Jethro bought a porn dvd (which is funny in and of itself), and we decided to view it while making the love. I'll admit to a perverted enjoyment of gang-bangs IN THEORY. When actually viewing them, however, they are So Very Stupid. The one we were watching happened to be of Germans defiling their native woods with the most retarded gang bang of all time. Basically it was three men standing around in front of a nekkid girl whacking off. She wasn't even touching them. They were just standing around her head going "Ja! Ja!" and grunting deeply and rapidly. She kept laughing. I was too. Until I had tears pouring out of my eyes. Definitely not conducive to the lovemaking.

It is possible that the sounds coming out of these morons' mouths were actually worse than the images they were creating. I should try to find a way for folks to hear the audio. Irrespective of your personal opinion of porn, it might ease some minds to know that a lot of porn is supremely ridiculous.

She finally started having sex with these stooges (and I mean no disrespect to the original three stooges), and it was the most ridiculous sex I've ever seen. They didn't even take their pants all the way off. She would screw one while the other two stood around with their pants around their ankles, masturbating as if their cars were on fire and that was the only means of putting it out. Actually, one was taking pictures of the intercourse while he was wanking. I guess they were killing all kinds of birds with one stone. The one with the still camera was wearing the dorkiest hat. I can't tell you what a fool he looked with his pants around his ankles, a camera in one hand, his peter piper in the other, and a ridiculous round-brimmed hat on his head. All three of them seemed to place a great deal of importance on the "money shot." They sacrificed everything from dignity (not that there's much in porn, but then why throw away what you have, eh?), to pleasure, to any semblance of believability, to get the shot of each of them in turn slopping splooge all over her face, which she lapped up with Extremely Fake Enthusiasm.

I know Europeans are supposed to be all open and liberated when it comes to sexuality, but please. Or should I say, butt please? I can't see that Americans are so very far behind. In fact, if Europorn is even remotely like this particular one, I'd say we are far ahead in porn artistry .

I know, or at least I think, there is supposed to be a certain etiquette to watching porn with your partner. One of the rules (if you intend to make love) is that you not laugh even when the Germans turn to piggies, or some ho's saline implants start making odd slurping noises. You have to forget about all aesthetic sensibilities and lose yourself to the pure carnality. Can't be done. Not by me. I try very hard to hang with the boys. I want to be all open-minded and cool about porn and strip clubs and fetishes. But I can't sacrifice... well... my eyes, for one....to bad visuals. Sorry Jeth, honey. I'll just have to make due with your own personal splendor to get me where I need to go.

18 comments:

wilde_thought said...

European porn can be bizarre, especially the export stuff. They try to edit some of that junk to play in as many countries as possible and it ends up ridiculous.

Seeker said...

Sounds like a waste of dough... just download it for free =)

Trashman said...

Hopeing for a little more detail here....

Zelda said...

Hello, is this thing on?

Lisa said...

This seriously reminds me of the porn my boyfriend has. About cavemen. :-x

Gooch said...

You now what's sad? These porn stars have had so much sex that the site of a hot, naked woman was alone not enough for them to stay erect and they were instead forced them to resort to the rapid-fire jerk off technique you wrote about. Or maybe it's not sad, but kind of cool.

Inanna said...

Uhhhh... I've seen better on German TV... at least it sounds like it. Hey Zelda! Glad your back!!

Zelda said...

Whew! I guess the comments weren't working for awhile. I thought I lost all my friends. I've been trying to comment on everyone's blog for like 2 days and nothing has shown up, so if you see 3 or 4 comments from me with different wording, but the same subject matter, I have not lost my mind.

Zelda said...

wilde_thought - They should have edited out the sound on this. IMHO, it was worse than the pictures.

Seeker - Some of the other segments of the dvd were cool (I may write more about that), but if it were just this German stuff, I would have picketed the store demanding my money back, and to hell with my reputation. $4.99 is $4.99 :-)

Trashman - I would be happy to oblige if I knew what details you were seeking. The nekkid girl was very cute. She had black hair, and perky tits, and giggled a lot. She mostly just did doggy style and reverse cowgirl. Was that what you were looking for, or am I missing something?

Lisa - I hope you aren't forced to watch it on any kind of regular basis.

Gooch - I think it is sad that they couldn't get off having sex with this girl. She was cute as hell. However, I think the "rapid-fire jerk off technique" was more to get a "money shot."

Inanna - I've been back, but stuck in a kind of blog limbo. Very frustrating. And I have no doubt you have seen better on German TV, because it would not be possible for you to see worse.

Thanks for commenting - I have a surprise soon.

Vadergrrrl said...

oh my god. you never cease to amaze me. i need to put you on my must read each morning first thang list. you always make me smile and laugh.

i luv ya grrrl!

CountChocula said...

I laughed my ass off at this post. "Making the love" and "JA! JA!", hysterical.

I'm not one for porn (shh, don't tell anyone I said that) but I would definitely watch that one.

Zelda said...

Vader - Thanks so much. It's always good to get a laugh.

Louvisa - I am more of an accidental observer of porn than a connoseiur. But I have managed to accidentally observe plenty. It comes from having more guy friends than girlfriends. I have to say that the sheer comedy of this particular porno made it worth watching.

Jay said...

EUROPEAN PORN? damn, you people are amateurs! don't buy european porn, it sucks. not even literally sometimes. asian porn. that's the shit. nobody can fuck like the koreans and japanese.

Turf said...

you need to tell Jethro to stop shopping the bargin bin at the porn store

Zelda said...

Jay - I bow at the feet of your great porn wisdom for I have much to learn. Actually the stuff was pretty eclectic. That was the only segment to feature Europeans. The rest were Asian and American. There was a cute one where the girl blew a bubble with the guy's sticky juice after he released it on her mouth.

Turf - I have. It doesn't do any good. As long as the titties bounce...

Jack said...

There's not much worse than bad porn, is there?

Zelda said...

Nothing that kills the mood faster, that's for sure.

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