Monday, February 16, 2004

I Sprained My Tongue on Valentine's Day

No; I have not taken up punk songwriting. I really sprained my tongue. And not in the good way. It began a little over a year ago when my husband bought some frozen fish from a door-to-door salesman. Why did he do this? I don't know. Jethro does a lot of things that confuse me a little, but anyway, he bought it at a pretty good price considering that it hasn't poisoned us.

Anyhoo, among the plethora of frozen fish was a bag of frozen lobster tails. We had been saving these lobster tails for a special occasion, but each special occasion that has passed, we have forgotten about them. Well, yesterday, the happy coincidences of poverty, Jethro's board review, and the girls' ear infections forced us to reconsider our restaurant plans, and the bag of lobster tails, at long last, was utilized.

Jethro bought a cheap bottle of champagne and a single rose, and I got the kids to bed, broke out our wedding champagne glasses, and turned on War Stories with Oliver North. Tres romantique. We sat down Indian style at our coffee table to enjoy the lobster feast. We clinked our glasses and dug in.

The first lobster tail I ate was quite mushy which I attributed to some mild freezer burn. But the second one I ate was perfect. This got me thinking about that first one.

Now if you have ever gotten food poisoning, you know that there is a fate worse than death. You feel like you're in the bowels of hell with the bowels of hell. I reflected on this as I chewed my second lobster tail. I concluded upon swallowing that I would rather "release" the already consumed lobster tails rather than suffer the potential consequences. I felt bad about "releasing" the good one I had just eaten but what else could I do?

Now there is a reason that I am a little overweight. Part of it is the Bigboobs, part of it is a virulent hatred of exercise, and part of it is that I am an utter failure at bulimia. No matter, I never had quite this incentive before. It took a little while, but finally, after thinking very hard about MTV's Jackass, and with my finger reaching depths it had never reached before, I accomplished.

I returned to the lobster feast with my enthusiasm dampened somewhat. Jethro had considerately divided up the non-mushy lobster tails into equal portions. I had finished my portion and drank most of the rest of the champagne when I realized that, due to my expulsion attempts, my tongue was sprained way way way in the back where it attaches. Since I could do relatively little about it, I finished the champagne, reveled in my intoxication for about 10 minutes, and then went to bed. Quite possibly, it was my most memorable Valentine's Day.