Tuesday, June 21, 2005

I don't really know how to title this post. My friend Carrie, who is 6 months pregnant, and I were robbed by two men with guns in my driveway. It happened just over an hour ago.

I like to shop at Walmart late at night. It's quiet, and the white-trash, fat-trucks are at a minimum. It is, however, a very stupid idea as three young black men can follow you home in their stolen shit-mobile, and drop off two of them who will come running up with bandanas and guns demanding your purses.

I wasn't even scared. *Update: One was wearing a blue bandana over his face, and the other was wearing a red one. I thought briefly (and insanely) that the Crips and the Bloods must have merged.* But I just wanted them to leave Carrie alone. If she hadn't been pregnant, the self-preservation fear instinct might have kicked in harder, but I just calmly reached into my car and got my purse and handed it over. I said, "Take it, take it, it's cool, just take it."

Then they ran away.

They made off with about $20 in cash, our cell phones, a few Advil Sinuses, some make-up, our i.d.'s, bank cards (which they never got to use), and a jar of rubber cement (don't ask).

All in all, I don't think it was worth losing your manhood over. I mean really. Robbing a pregnant girl? These animals have real balls.

After they ran off, I ran into the house screaming for Jethro, who was asleep. Poor guy thought they were in the house and grabbed that gun faster than I have ever seen. If they'd actually been in the house, they'd have gotten it right between the eyes.

I called 911 and the police showed up pretty quickly. They took our descriptions of the armed robbers, took inventory of what was in our purses, and put out a call for everyone to be on the lookout. The officer stayed with us awhile and he was very nice and friendly. He said to try calling my cellphone - that sometimes they were stupid and would answer it. I said I would and then I asked him what to say if they answered.

He said, "Just tell them you need your phone back and you'll pay them for it and try to arrange a meeting place."

It sounded like a plan, so I called.

The dumbass answered.

Zelda: "You have my phone and I need it back."

SN: "Oh heeeeell no."

Zelda: "I'll pay you. It has a lot of numbers on there that I need."

SN: "How much?"

Zelda (pulling a number out of her ass): "$500."

SN: "You callin' the PO-leese?

Zelda: "The cops can't do shit and I need my goddam phone."

(Police officer cracks up)

Zelda: "Meet me at the McDonald's on H______

SN: "Oh heeeeeell no. You gonna bring the PO-leese."

Zelda: "Fine. Where do you want to meet?"

SN (shuffling noises, discussion, and idiot giggling in the background): S________ and R_______. Don't bring no PO-leese. We know where you live and we got guns."

Zelda: "I know you do." (Fuckers) "When?"

SN: "Right now. Don't you bring no gun. We'll kill you."

Zelda: "Fine."

I relayed all the information to the PO who relayed it to the others in the area. Maybe they'll find them and maybe they won't. The good thing is that we are all safe and nothing of any real value was taken. Except for some used pantyliners Carrie was carrying in her purse (don't ask). Bet that was a surprise. I hope they're Muslim.


Michelle said...

OMG Zelda!!!! I'm so happy you two are alright! It amazes me what people will go to for a little bit of money! That is so scary! I guess I would have handed it over to them without a fight but everything in me would want to tear their eyes out! You were very brave. God, I just don't have the words to say... Thank goodness the girls weren't with you. I'm glad you are safe. Have you heard anything yet?

Zelda said...

I haven't heard anything yet. I doubt they caught them. I just thank God the girls weren't in the car. And I wanted to rip their balls off (small as they might be) for robbing a pregnant girl (and me).

Michael said...

Glad you're okay. Stupid schmucks. Gonna get busted over chump change.

Jammie J. said...

Holy shit, girl. I'm glad you're okay. That's scary that they know where you live.

You told the PO-leeese, didn't you? *smirk*

What an ass. I can't believe he answered your cell phone. Ugh. Thief cooties are on that thing now.

Jammie J. said...

I love how you quickly blogged this, by the way.

Traci Dolan said...

OMG!! I am so happy you stayed cool, so happy you are okay and so happy the girls weren't with you. *HUGS*

On the other hand, stupid cocksucking punkass fuckwads!!! How dare they?!? Pissant, shittard, assmunching, yellow-bellied, pregnant women robbing cowards!!! *steam coming out of ears*

Again, I'm so happy you are okay and I hope they find the sissy, ballsucking, shiteaters.

Gooch said...

What a terrible thing to go through. Glad to know you came out unharmed, Zelda. And what an odd strategy for these dumb crooks. Follow people from a WalMart? You'd think they'd want to aim a little higher and stake out a Nordstroms or something.

Too bad Jethro didn't get the chance to shoot `em.

Zelda said...

Michael - Thank you. They were stupid schmucks.

Jeanette - I started it right after it happened, but published it just a few minutes ago.

Inanna - Thank you. They were really stupid.

Gooch - I know, right? How much did they think they'd get from two women coming out of a Walmart at 2am?

Jack the Grey said...

I am so glad you are ok. They ran the story about something similar taht didn't end sow ell here in KC. Just 2 weeks ago, somebeody's grandmother was walking out of Target after going to buy some chocolate chips so she could bake cookies for her grandaughter(NO I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP.) When a guy tries to steal her purse, she struggles with him, she said the only reason why is because she had toher people's money in her purse. Apparently, the church choir had pooled money to buy a member their wedding present.

The guy ends up with the purse, jumps in his car and tries to take off. The lady is screaming, a young man runs over, the l;ady is grabbing the car door. The lady trips fall after almost dragged because some fingers were stuck in the door handle. The youngman trying to help is hanging half in and half out of the drivers window. He can't get oput becuase he is entangled with the thief.

The thief ends up crashing into a building wedging the good samaritan btween the car and the building, causing great bodily damage. The thief takes off as people now know what is going on and start to chase him. He drops the purse, crosses a busy main street and finally is brought down by a crowd and held until the police came. This was 3 weeks ago. Last week, the young man who tried to help, Johny U., died from his injuries.

All because some 23 year old former all-state highschool basketball player who almost made pro decided he would choose to take crack instead. Doing so, he needed money that he didn't want to work for because he needed that next hit.

Sad. So I agree with you Zelda, its amazing what people will do to lose their manhood, or worse yet, to sell their souls.

Kristin said...

Oh good GRAVY!! I'm so glad you're both ok. I'm even more happy that the girls weren't with you. You handled yourself well. I'm proud of you!

alix said...

jesus christ Zelda! i am SO glad you're both safe, and especially that your kids didn't have to see this side of *cough* humanity. that is SO freakin' scary!

(copy and paste Inanna's exceptional way with words here)
what gutless cowards.

Tammy said...

Those fuckers need a bullet between the eyes.
I'm so glad that you and Carrie are ok. I hope she takes it easy for a day or two.
Keep us posted.
**Boo Smooches**

Brighton said...

I hope they got a panty liner stuck in their pubes. Seriously, I am so glad you are both ok. Asshats.

tinyhands said...

Ugh, I'm so glad you're ok. But Jethro's right, no more going out that late at night. Houston's a bad neighborhood, you know.

Allison said...

Those dudes are some stupid fucks for real. They would have gotten more had they stolen a gum ball machine.

Anyway, I'm glad to hear that things went safely for both of you. Moreso, than a usual armed robbery could have gone. Hopefully, we'll hear an update that they're sorry asses were picked up by the po-leese.

My friend's car was broken into. Her phone was stolen and whatever else. Dude called her and had a conversation with her. I don't think she ever got her phone back.

Anonymous said...

Fuck..... I really hope they nailed the bastards.

It's good you and your friend are okay, and even better the girls were home....

Jen said...

Good grief, I am so glad you are all ok. I would have been terrified that they would have followed me back into the house, where your girls were. I can't believe they were stupid enough to actually answer the phone, what a bunch of dipwads. Keep us updated when the Po-leese catch them.

Cigarette Smoking Man from the X-Files said...

The last time I was robbed was in the Philippines. Lost $10 and a vinyl wallet worth $5 in that transaction, in exchange for a better appreciation for what my instincts were trying to tell me just prior to getting in that cab.

The reason they probably weren't caught in the cell phone sting is that just as you sent the "po-leeeeess" instead of you for the exchange, they probably sent little kids as "po-leeeeeess" watchers instead of themselves, with instructions for you in case you really did show up.

I'd write off the robbery loss and start conceal-carrying in the car for any trips out after dark, and check that rear-view mirror religiously.

Zelda said...

Desire to Kill still.trying.to.control.it ....Calm blue ocean, calm blue ocean, calm blue ocean....

Trashman said...

I think the liberals sent them after you. Any update yet?

jp said...

Wow, what a story. I'm sorry you guys had to go through that. Let us all know what happened.

Guys like that should have their dicks ripped off....

Anonymous said...

But they know where you live, right? Aren't you scared? Jackie

Cigarette Smoking Man from the X-Files said...

Jackie has a point.

Jethro, I'd be for laying some ambushes.

Fortunately Texas doesn't criminalize the act of defending your own life in your own home (yet).

Turf said...

that is freaking amazing... and i would have been just as pissed as jethro... there are too many dipshit pussy types in this world who would rather pull shit like this than get a real job and take care of their comittments... i hope they catch the bastards and im glad you are ok!

RedFred said...

Glad your OK, well done for keeping your head and letting them take it. personally I never cary anything of value with me, only my debit card and thats not in my wallet. whether the police catch up with them or they pick on a concealed weopen carrier they will get their just deserts, you might not have the satisfaction of knowing it directly but they have theirs comming sooner or later.

Zelda said...

Ciggy - There's something in the works.

Anonymous said...

What has the Religion got to do with the bandits??? Are you such a high and mighty bitch that you think all criminals should be Muslims - so that they can be put to justice or worse, shot? You are a bigot, especially when you claimed you don't go to Wal-Mart during the day because 'trash' are in abundance. Turn up your nose!

Shame on you. You don't have my sympathies for now.

Zelda said...

Dear Pussy,

Why do you feel the need to display your own ignorance so prominently?

First of all, the sympathy of ignorant cowards such as yourself, means nothing to me.

Secondly, Muslim men believe they are tainted and will go to hell if they come in contact with anything relating to a woman's menstrual cycle. Read Mohammed Atta's psychotic will for an example.

It is my wish that those particular bandits would go to hell - NOT to shoot Muslims.

I wouldn't dream of censoring your ignorance since you display it so thoroughly, but I will warn you are being laughed at.

Zelda said...

And yes I am a high and mighty bitch.

Zelda said...

I love you. You really know how to expose stupidity.