Sunday, July 18, 2004

The Dildo Show

WARNING:  SEXUAL EXPLICITNESS
 
I went to a sex toy party last night.  My friend invited me about 3 weeks ago, and I thought it might be interesting.  It was both funny and sad.  I may have to revise my opinions on women and marriage.   I felt sorry for most of the gals there.  They either had no man, or were trying to spice up dormant sex lives.  My heart almost broke watching these women diligently study their magazines and solemnly use the restroom to spray on the free samples of feminine arousal product, hoping to increase their waning libidos.  Some were uptight, some were shy, some were trashy, some were loud (me), but none were indifferent.
 
The woman hosting the party was a spunky, gracious Greek girl.  She was quite large, but was so cool about it that I envied her.  She struck me as the type of person who had decided that she was too good a cook to worry about someting like a figure, and you could either take it or leave it, but if you left it, you would be a fool.   A hungry fool.

The dildo rep was a barking moonbat.  She was 40-ish, wearing a shapeless long black dress, no bra (which she was in rather desperate need of), had greasy long dark hair and a mustache, and was waaaay too nervous to be hocking sex toys to 40 drunk, horny women.  She was kind of like a goth/hippie/midwife.  In short, she was a prime candidate for TLCs "What NOT To Wear."  I couldn't picture her using the products, but then again, my imagination has its limits.
 
I'll skip all the lotions and potions and get to the dildos.  I didn't get one because they were expensive and I already own one, but they were quite interesting.  There were the standard "bullets" that were attatched to a cord (reminded me of a fetal monitor), then there were the realistic looking ones that were pink rubber.  There was a fiber-optic G-spot stimulator.  I have no idea how to explain it except that it looked like it had an L-shaped hook at the tip.  Incidentally, this is what lit up.   There was another one that had a thumb sticking out of the penis shaft.  Quite the freak appendage.  It was bubblegum pink.  There were some that rotated in a cyclone motion. One had a dolphin attached to the shaft.   You are supposed to put your clit in the dolphin's beak and let it vibrate.  It was blue.  That was the only one I considered buying.  And the worst one was the 17 inch "chocolate thunder."  It was an African penis about 3-4 inches in diameter complete with grotesque veins running through it.  We renamed it the "ego-crusher."  I thought it was racist - but apparantly in a good way since it was bought by several black girls in attendance, one of them being my friend, Chantrelle.  Guess I'm getting a little PC in my old-age.  We teased her the whole ride home.
 
The best thing, that I am starting to regret I didn't purchase, was a toy called Gigi.  It was a pink rubber vagina-esque item.  You fill it with KY and stick your partner's wang-johnson in it.  You can push it all the way through and suck the top (head if you want to be indelicate), or you can cover the whole thing with Gigi and let him go, or you can turn Gigi inside out and make her an anus.  I stuck my finger in it and I am pretty sure that it was very realistic.  And the best thing of all about Gigi was that she swallows. 
 
I bought 4 items.  One was edible/lickable oil for bj's which I haven't tried yet.  Another was lube that is supposed to reactivate upon contact with water so you can boink in the shower - something I enjoy, but find difficult.  Thirdly, was a clitoral stimulating ointment that was supposed to deliver mind shattering orgasms.  I tried it and it is pleasant, but not mind-blowing.  And the last thing I got was something called nipple nibblers which is supposed to make your nippys tingly and suckable (not that mine aren't anyway).  After I shelled out $12.00 for it, I got the disturbing feeling that I had just bought expensive straberry flavored carmex.  I guess it is ok though because strawberry is Jethro's favorite flavor.  A slight digression.  We were at a party once where the topic of favorite ice-cream flavors came up.  Jethro said his favorite was strawberry, and all the guys started making fun of him.  He let them finish, and then said, "I like to lick it off my wife's nipples."  They stopped making fun of him.
 
We played a few silly games meant to draw people out and get them to admit to their various sexual escapades.  I started out playing honestly, but there were these two British chicks who were just tearing up.  Anal sex, threesomes, more than three guys in one night...there was nothing these girls hadn't done.  I couldn't let America lose to these chippies, so I ended up admitting to things I hadn't even thought of.  Probably not a wise idea.  I will never see the British chicks again, but now people I know think I've been gang-banged...in the ass...to the tune of "Feel Like Makin' Love"...on public transportation.  Oh well, I suppose it could be worse.




20 comments:

Greg said...

Way to go! Zelda taking one for the Team USA!

Zelda said...

Thank you, Thank you. The Brits' sanctimonious looks at the inhibited Americans was more than I could take.

Vadergrrrl said...

hey there,
great post. ya know i used to be one of those sex toy ladies. it was a short career, i mainly did it to get the kit with all the goodies.
i had one party, it was co-ed (against the rules in theory). the vibrator toss game was hysterical, it ended up being between two guys.
sooo much fun.

dont be depressed for these women, at least they use toys. i would be depressed if they werent getting any at all.

xxxxoooo

Vadergrrrl said...

i just noticed i owe you a link.
its comming right now.
xxxoooo

Zelda said...

Thanks Vader - I was only sorry for those ladies because they seemed to be pinning such hope on them.

I was a virgin til I was 22 and it freaks me out to see formerly slutty girls turn to stone once they're married. I waited a long time, dammit, and I'm not giving it up until it all implodes!! :-)

Angi said...

I was invited to one of those last year, I didn't go, I knew too many of the other guests there! If it had been me and strangers, sure, I'll go, but not with my family! Some things are just to sacred for them to know! Great post.

Johnny5 said...

"I like to lick it off my wife's nipples."

lol Go Jeth! What a great line... can't say I blame you at all either.

Zelda said...

Jeth is so cool. He's a serious guy who talks about serious things - very sparing with his wit. But when he lays a one-liner on you, it kills.

Zelda said...

Angi- you make a great point. I won't let my family anywhere near this blog, much less a sex-toy party. But if you can believe it, there were daughters there who had brought their moms. Ew. Ew. Ew.

Johnny5 said...

I was surprised that you thought that was sexual explicit. I was all ready to have myself a date.

Zelda said...

Hee Hee. I just wanted to put that out there in case any kids came upon it. Not that it would stop them, but just in case. And I wouldn't be much good for a date. I don't really know how to write about sex in a way that would make anyone horny. I've tried and it sounds moronic. I tried cyber-sexing one time when I was about 19 and chat rooms had really taken off. Let's just say they were begging me to stop.

Johnny5 said...

Regardless, I can understand why he said that, they're bigger than bowls. Much bigger.

Zelda said...

Depends on the bowl :-)

Inanna said...

WHOO HOOO!!! I've been invited to one of these and you can bet I'm NOT TAKING MY MOTHER!!! EW! EW! EW! EW! I laughed out loud at Jethro's comment and was greatly inspired to get flavored oil as its been a long standing desire of mine... hee hee. You're ending made me laugh even harder... great stuff Zelda.

Zelda said...

Thank you Inanna, you make me blush. The BJ oil is quite delicious... and you can rub it on your jaw muscles when they get sore :-)

Seeker said...

Zelda,

First time I have visited but I must admit that Jethro knows what is all about! He Rules!

Zelda said...

And he's mine, all mine :-)

Gef said...

That's so true. Can I ask where you get your great info?

Sean Cody

sex toys said...

Interesting Post. If you find sex toys for sale interesting, I invite you to check out my sex toys for sale website.

sex toys said...

Interesting Post. If you find strap on sex toys interesting, I invite you to check out my strap on sex toys website.