Friday, July 16, 2004

Too Hot To Blog

It is horrifically hot in Houston.  I hate hate hate this weather.  When I am rich, and if I still live in Houston, I am going to build me a pool.  Not just any pool.  This pool is going to have a slide and a diving board, an alcove so Jethro and I can do it without being too obvious, a hot tub, and a swim-up pool bar - the kind you can access from the outside, but the seats are in the water.    I am going to have the pool lined in foam rubber so your feet don't get sore.  I am going to quit my job, have one of my daughters make me a margarita (by the time I get my pool they will probably be in their mid-forties), and lie on my ass in my pool all.  friggin'.  day.  God, I hope Jeth and I will still be able to do it.  Maybe I'll have a cabana boy whose only job will be to bring me my margaritas.  And clean my pool.  And shout encouragements at a very old Jethro and Zelda as we try to get it on in the alcove.  Gee.  This was supposed to be a nice relaxing fantasy.  Now I'm really depressed. 

I like people most of the time.  Rarely do I get pissed off at stupidity.  Most of the time it just amuses me.  Despite my ranting, I don't care deeply about the state of marriage in general. I just don't want anyone crying to me when their marriage fails because of their own ignorance.  I do get pissed off when people are rude.  I cannot abide intentional and unprovoked rudeness.  I will turn a ghastly shade of white, then I will turn purple and I cannot be held responsible for what will come out of my mouth.  I have been known to foam a little. 

Case in point:  I manage my step-dad's real estate office.  We had, as clients, this young couple who had bitten off a little more than they could chew with regards to their house.  The young man had started his own computer fixer-upper type company and their imaginary earnings were faaaaaaar greater than their actual earnings.  They had bought a humongous and expensive home at an interest rate that no one this side of sanity would have taken, and 2 years later were faced with foreclosure.  They listed their house with us and rejected several good offers because they thought somehow, that they could make a profit on it.  

Note:  If you are facing foreclosure, accept the first offer.  You won't get a better one.  

The young lady thought she would try her hand at eBay, and her own maternity care/doula business, but with only her own two kids as experience in these matters, she was hardly qualified. 

Note:  Any woman who hopes to start one of these businesses will most likely failAny man who hopes to start one will definitely fail.   

I wouldn't want no doula man rubbing my belly and massaging my twat while I was in labour.  But I digress.  The young lady actually ended up making a couple of house payments by selling on eBay all of the crap they had bought when they thought they had money. 

These people are actually not the villains of my story.  They were stupid, but they were reaping the consequences, and who am I to kick those who are down?  No.  The villains of this story are their neighbors.   The young couple moved into a small rental, and the big house became rather unkempt.  One day I received a call from their neighbor - obviously an anal-retentive who sucks air every time she sits.  She said, "their yard is really a mess.  I pay a very high association fee so I don't have to deal with people who don't take care of their yards.  I know they can't afford that house, but you would think they would keep their lawn trimmed as a courtesy to those who live around them.  As their realtor, you need to send someone out here to have this lawn cut immediately.  I also need to know if they are in foreclosure because I don't want my house value to go down"

Now first of all, we cannot afford to go around paying for sellers' lawn maintenance.  That is their responsibility.  All we can do is tell them and hope they take care of it.  Secondly, the HOA would be the one to call about it.  And thirdly, I could have gotten in a lot of trouble if I had started discussing their financial situation.  I thought it was pretty obvious this psycho just wanted gossip, so I turned my customary white then purple,  told her we couldn't care less about the lawn, didn't give a shit about her property value, and that we were not going to risk legal action by discussing the finances of our clients with someone like her.  And, because I just couldn't help it, asked her where the hell she got off?  She tried to get huffy, but I cut her off with a few well-aimed curse words, told her she was a terrible Christian (because 5'll get you 10 she considered herself a good Christian), and hung up on her.  It felt pretty damn good. 

The sad thing is that we have any number of cheap lawn services at our disposal and I could have made a polite, discreet call to the young couple, but her rudeness made me pray that their lawn would become so overgrown that it would cause a dark pestilence to descend upon her house.

One more before I go.  Another time, a porsche driving, new money Slimeball was picking up his order of gourmet yuppie shit at a local specialty shop.    The very tired cashier who couldn't have been more than 16 almost dropped it.  The Slimeball actually screamed at her, "CAREFUL!!! THAT SHIT IS WORTH MORE THAN YOU'LL EVER MAKE!!!"  I turned colors immediately and said "so is your toupee."  My friend who was with me, took the cue and said, "yeah, so was your ass-waxing."  The cashier who had been about to cry, started laughing.  The Slimeball threw his product down on the counter and stalked out calling us "assholes" which only induced more mirth.  The cashier offered to give us what Slimeball was purchasing.  I think it was some kind of mushroom.  It tasted like mushroom.  Whatever.

Anyway, I am bushed.  See ya tomorrow or Monday.


Greg said...

People can be such jerks.

Johnny5 said...

I deleted it because I wrote it when I was a little tipsy and couldn't decide whether it was appropriate or not.

What a great marriage you have if you can show something like that to your husband and the two of you can laugh about it. I hope I can find that one day.

And really, all I can say is that I want your mind, because I know nothing else of you (nudge, nudge).

Inanna said...

Johnny is back with a vengeance.. lol.. yeah, I want that kinda marriage too.. especially the pool part. Truly though, I laughed out loud on the toupee thing. GREAT!

Zelda said...

Greg - Those people were such raging assholes.

Johnny - It was totally cool. Jeth and I are delusional enough to take that stuff as compliments to our great personal taste in marriage partners. Feel free to get drunk and post it again.

Inanna - The toupee was one of my shining moments, although I wish I'd thought of ass-waxing first.

Angi said...

When I was 17, I was a waitress in a restaurant, while serving a table's food, one of the men grabbed my arse, I backhanded him with the tray.

I loved it.

Greg said...

How much does the position of PoolBoy pay?

Zelda said...

Free drinks and all the old lady porn you can handle.