The Gang Bang

Oh man. Jethro bought a porn dvd (which is funny in and of itself), and we decided to view it while making the love. I'll admit to a perverted enjoyment of gang-bangs IN THEORY. When actually viewing them, however, they are So Very Stupid. The one we were watching happened to be of Germans defiling their native woods with the most retarded gang bang of all time. Basically it was three men standing around in front of a nekkid girl whacking off. She wasn't even touching them. They were just standing around her head going "Ja! Ja!" and grunting deeply and rapidly. She kept laughing. I was too. Until I had tears pouring out of my eyes. Definitely not conducive to the lovemaking.

It is possible that the sounds coming out of these morons' mouths were actually worse than the images they were creating. I should try to find a way for folks to hear the audio. Irrespective of your personal opinion of porn, it might ease some minds to know that a lot of porn is supremely ridiculous.

She finally started having sex with these stooges (and I mean no disrespect to the original three stooges), and it was the most ridiculous sex I've ever seen. They didn't even take their pants all the way off. She would screw one while the other two stood around with their pants around their ankles, masturbating as if their cars were on fire and that was the only means of putting it out. Actually, one was taking pictures of the intercourse while he was wanking. I guess they were killing all kinds of birds with one stone. The one with the still camera was wearing the dorkiest hat. I can't tell you what a fool he looked with his pants around his ankles, a camera in one hand, his peter piper in the other, and a ridiculous round-brimmed hat on his head. All three of them seemed to place a great deal of importance on the "money shot." They sacrificed everything from dignity (not that there's much in porn, but then why throw away what you have, eh?), to pleasure, to any semblance of believability, to get the shot of each of them in turn slopping splooge all over her face, which she lapped up with Extremely Fake Enthusiasm.

I know Europeans are supposed to be all open and liberated when it comes to sexuality, but please. Or should I say, butt please? I can't see that Americans are so very far behind. In fact, if Europorn is even remotely like this particular one, I'd say we are far ahead in porn artistry .

I know, or at least I think, there is supposed to be a certain etiquette to watching porn with your partner. One of the rules (if you intend to make love) is that you not laugh even when the Germans turn to piggies, or some ho's saline implants start making odd slurping noises. You have to forget about all aesthetic sensibilities and lose yourself to the pure carnality. Can't be done. Not by me. I try very hard to hang with the boys. I want to be all open-minded and cool about porn and strip clubs and fetishes. But I can't sacrifice... well... my eyes, for one....to bad visuals. Sorry Jeth, honey. I'll just have to make due with your own personal splendor to get me where I need to go.