Friday, April 01, 2005

Yooooooooouuuuuuuuu Might Be A Redneck

Payasita Update: Gay Adoption, and it is surprisingly measured for me.
First things first. This is very disturbing and we all need to be aware of it. I don't want to sound preachy or paranoid or anything, but we can't stand by and do nothing.

Onto the story:

Jethro and I went fishing with his friend Mason on the Saturday before Easter. We both love it. It doesn't matter if we even catch anything. I always come away with all the knots in my back unwound. So my SIL took the girls to one of her nephew's birthday parties and Jethro and I headed for the Texas City Dyke.

I've said before that fishing is completely universal. There must have been 20 nationalities within 5 feet of us. And the people who fish come up with the funniest contraptions. There was one family who'd pitched a tent and brought around 17 kids. Another family had a trailer. The teenage sons watched TV and everyone else fished.

Jeth, Mason, and I were sitting on the rocks talking, when I noticed a guy not far away from us. Complete redneck. Overalls, no shirt, talking in a very loud southern trailer accent. I thought I'd tease Jeth and Mason a little and started making lewd comments about him - like they would have done if it had been a girl in overalls and no shirt.

As luck would have it, one of his friends got his line caught on a rock, so Redneck Boy - aware that I was observing him, decided to strip down to his boxers and dislodge it.

As his overalls came down, I was saying, "That's right baby. Take it all off. Yeah, you don't need those itchy overalls," to Mason's amusement and Jethro's lesser amusement.

In he jumps wearing nothing but some ratty old boxer shorts. He spashed around for awhile and then decided to get out and strut a little. He climbs back up on the rocks, sucks in his gut, and starts making manly noises while his friends deride him. As he's doing this, I'm encouraging him to "take of those wet wet boxers."

Let me tell you, friends. I can talk the talk, but I apparently can't walk the walk. Deciding that his strutting just wasn't taking it where he wanted it to go, he obliged. Pulled those boxer shorts right off and wrung them out, displaying a brilliant white heiney. I covered my eyes, but not before saying, "Thank you."

Mason and Jethro were dying laughing. Mason especially who isn't completely used to my idosyncracies and thought it was funny that after all my talk, I covered my eyes.


Ciggy said...

Sometimes us guys cover our eyes too when a woman obliges to our cat-calls. Like this one time in L.A. when she turned out to be a shemale...

Mike said...

Zelda! Who knew you were so old-fashioned! I'm touched.

Jethro said...

Why on Earth did you marry me if you wanted a Redneck? Oh yeah, I grew up in Texarkana.

Ciggy - hahahahaha!

Zelda said...

Cig -LOL! That had to be weird

Mike - Don't ever try to pin anything on me. I defy all labels. But I'm glad I touched you.

Jethro - Oh for Pete's sake. I DON'T want a redneck. Well maybe just once. But he has to use mouthwash first. And he can't have any ticks.

Jethro said...

I know babe, I was just fucking you...I mean fucking WITH you

Jeanette said...

Oh Lordy ... I would have been with you ... eyes covered. Hell, if it was as white as you say, I would have gotten a headache!

Zelda said...

Say 'no' to crack, Jeanette

Noonie said...

course the other option would be to point and laugh... specially if the water had been cold

Michelle said...

Thanks for the laugh... especially since we are surrounded by so many of those rednecks in Georgia would love to oblige you!! LOL

Zelda said...

Noonie - That would indeed have been an option, but they were drinking, and the second thing you learn in Texas right after learing not to kick over fire anthills, is not to mess with rednecks who've been drinking.

Michelle - I'm sorry you're not feeling well. I'm also sorry you live in Georgia. Just kidding. I like Georgia.

Angi said...

Why does the "bad moon rising" song keep coming to mind?

Next time, take a pic. ;)

Zelda said...

Oh my god, Angi - mine too!

Noonie said...

good point Z, along with don't make obscene gestures at other drivers they may have a gun, at least that was a rule I was taught when I lived in Houston. Such a relief to get back to UK and be able to gesticulate, dickhead just doesn't work as well if you can't mime a tiny one at them.

As for the phonecalls, I agree not a good thing to know is going on... but also pity the poor sods who have to listen to all that... maybe they can send you copies of those nice CA calls.

Brighton said...

I fell for it, stupid April fools!! Gah.

Anonymous said...

On : 4/1/2005 9:05:20 PM Michelle (www) said:

Zelda, thanks for the sympathy about not feeling well and about living in GA! LOL If it makes you feeling any better for me I was at least born in Texas! By the way, I loved the phone calls thing

Anonymous said...

On : 4/1/2005 9:50:05 PM Kristin (www) said:

You know........if the real estate gig doesn't work out I think you have a GREAT name for a new lesbian bar......TEXAS CITY DYKE!

Anonymous said...

On : 4/2/2005 3:03:58 AM HotelHomie (www) said:

Hm. So did you type in your code and did it have a recording of your conversations?

Anonymous said...

On : 4/2/2005 3:15:14 AM HotelHomie (www) said:

OH shit. i just realised after reading the comments, that it was a joke. Coz i don't live in the US, and couldn't type in the code thingy. D'OH!

Anonymous said...

On : 4/2/2005 10:58:08 AM elliott (www) said:

The phonecall was great! Yes, I am outraged!

Anonymous said...

On : 4/2/2005 1:16:18 PM derek s (www) said:

I left a comment on your other blog about gay parenting.

Great story though, haha. Got to hand it to the guy, he must be pretty confident!

Zelda said...

Noonie - April Fool!

Brighton - Don't worry. Many did.

Michelle - Thanks.

Kristin - I don't think I even want to ponder what would drag itself to a bar called the Texas City Dyke.

Hotel Homie - Don't feel bad. You made me laugh.

Elliott - You should be outraged. This is a travesty!

Derek - I got your comment. Thanks. I think that guy was confident so much as full to the brim of some good old Dutch courage

Anonymous said...

On : 4/3/2005 1:14:48 AM noonie (www) said:

ahh Z I have two friends who work for The Government over here, intelligence work. The jokes on us, there really are poor sods sat there listening to other people's conversations, although they do use a lot of software to filter the tapes.

Being in UK couldn't access the joke.

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