Monday, August 29, 2005

I have a neighbor who is the unfortunate victim of circumstance and has chosen to float through her troubles on a sea of prescription drugs. Every time I see her, her eyes are glazed and distant and she starts talking about God. I try to avoid her, but sometimes it can't be helped. On one of these occasions, she offered me the unsolicited information that her younger son's penis is humongous while her elder son's penis is relatively small.

The younger son (with the large penis) is around Gwennie's age. He is aggressive and obnoxious and an all around little shit. The older one is kind of shy. He has a crush on Gwennie and is sweet and kind to both her and Emma.

I'm just wondering if the old penis size has anything to do with anything. No one has to answer that.


One of jp's last posts got me thinking about music. I hardly ever write about it. I listen to everything. Country, folk, rock, metal, jazz, celtic, zydeco, bluegrass, you name it. Which brings me to my gripe: Today's version of country. It isn't country. It's pop with a southern accent. It's stupid, trite, talentless and the sewage is churned out at the rate of well...sewage. If I hear one more pseudo-cowboy - no matter how hot he is or how big his penis is speculated to be - sing about bein' a big ol' cryin' teddy bear who weeps big ol' tears when his little girl trips and falls on his dawg, I will scream my bloody head off.

Where is the next Frank Sinatra or Elvis or Johnny Cash? You wouldn't dare speculate on their penis sizes for fear they'd punch you in the face.

Who is popular now? Tim McGraw? Please. He doesn't even chew. Justin Timberlake? I can barely make my fingers type that name. He'd look much better with a few teeth missing preferably from the shovel I smack him with.

But since my rant is mostly about country music, I will continue in that vein. I like old country or folk country, but expecially bluegrass. If you're going to sing country, get out your fiddle and your banjo. Oh, you think it sounds too hick? I got news for you. Your fan base likes hick. And playing the banjo takes talent - real talent. Playing the fiddle takes even more. I know. I play the violin. It's fucking hard. Someone who can't appreciate a good fiddle because they think it makes them one step away from the trailer park is just as ignorant as someone who can't enjoy a good violin because they think it will make their penis small.

Have I been talking a lot about penises? Am I suddenly obsessed? Did I get some on the way up to Crawford in the back of my husband's Honda Accord?


Trashman said...

I'm aggressive and obnoxious and an all around little shit and I have a little dick. There goes that theory.

Dick said...

"Hi, I'm Bob and I have a small penis."

"Hi Bob."

Just thought I'd toss that in there. You know the whole spirit of the post thing.


Michelle said...

:) I like all kinds of music too. The cds I have in the car range from classical to pop to hard rock to celtic to r & b to country. I'm with you that country seems to be hick pop music now. I love the sounds of the older country but I am more partial to the newer "old" than the "old old". Does that make sense?

Zelda said...

Trashman - It's big enough for a lightning bolt and that's all I have to say about that.

Lucifer - Thy name is Elliot.

Michelle - I'm so right, aren't I?

AJ - Jethro was just minding his own business. The kudos go to me.

Jen said...

Zelda - both Vince and I are permanently hooked on Nickel Creek. You should check them out ASAP. There are two albums you should listen to first: "This Side" then their newest album "Why Should the Fire Die." They are a very talented bluegrass/folk band that play everything from banjo to the violin in their songs. His voice is so sweet that it will make you melt. If you go to, you can listen to the song samples on both of these albums.

Zelda said...

Jen - I love Nickel Creek. I don't have any of their cds but I've heard them. They are great.

Jack said...

Speaking of guys with big dicks, I was this close to going to Crawford on Sunday. I would have had to get up super early and drive back super late, but I seriously debated making the drive. Other things came up and I decided not to, but I would have gone had I known the two of y'all were heading that way. I'll be looking for the post and pictures.

Gooch said...

See my comments on jp's site for my feelings on the subject. Or, for the Cliff's Notes version, let me just say that they are the same as yours. I love country music in the veign of Willie Nelson, Merle Haggard, Waylon Jennings. But when a song is about how much you like being a stay-at-home dad or how cute you thought it was when your girlfriend backed your truck into something, that's pussy music, not country music.

Kristin said...

I can barely get comfortable in a Honda Accord much less have sex in one. Have to agree with you about Country music. It's going down the crapper. I'm listening to more home grown guys and gals more.

Zelda said...

Me so horny, baby. Me lick you long time.

Sam said...

I have to say...a few things came to mind as I was reading.

I think my penis would fall off if I found out that at any point in my life, my mom was having discussions with neighbors about its size.

I agree on the country music...I'm a George Strait fan myself...but that might fall into the category of "new old" country, as michelle put it.

Just as you asked if you were obsessed, i was just thinking, there's a lot of penis reference in this post. :)

And finally, your action in the Honda reminded me of when my wife and I were driving to Phoenix one summer...we stopped at a rest stop to have some sandwiches. I got out to do a little jogging around the area to loosen my legs up, and I noticed that the driver of the car about 3 parking spaces in front of us was getting "serviced" by his girlfriend/wife/female passenger.... I was so tempted to knock on the window and high five the guy, but thought better of it.

Zelda said...

Jack - Speaking of guys with big dicks, if you'd have gone to Crawford, I think you would have found what you were looking for. :-P

Gooch - Ahhh Willie, Waylon and me.

Kristin - It was difficult, especially with the car seat in the back. We kind of had to do it half doggie, half train-wreck.

Jethro - It is so on.

Day Dreamer - If you'd have tried to high-five one of us you'd have most likely slapped a little ass. Not that we wouldn't have appreciated it.

Angi - Shoot girl. Now I'm dying to know which one. I'm so very perverse.