Monday, August 15, 2005

She Tied Him Up

Gwendolyn ties things up. That kid is better at knots than a boy scout troop leader. I find her toys tied to everything - the towel rack, my lamps, her bed, you name it. And she ties them with the strangest things, Jethro's tie being the least of them. I innocently walked into her bedroom to be confronted by Teddy Bear death row. Her bunk bed is a gallows with the corpses of her toys dangling over the side. And then to make it even stranger, she tied the American flag to the bedpost.

Here's the thing. I don't think she is killing them. I think she is saving them for later. I know that doesn't make sense, but I understand what she's doing because I used to do similar things. I just don't know how to translate the bootstrap logic of a 6 year old brain into adult language. It would sound dull and incoherent instead of vibrant and precise.

But she did the funniest thing. She made her own homeade talking teddy bear. I will try to describe it and you'll probably have to read the description a couple of times, but it will be worth it because at the end, someone ends up with a great big black hose up their ass.

She took her brown teddy bear, who for some reason wears underpants, and stuck a rubber hose belonging to an air pump up the back of the teddy bear's britches. She lashed the end that poked out to the teddy bear's neck with a piece of yellow string. She took hold of the other end of the hose, and thrust the teddy bear part into my hands.

"Squeeze it's tummy," she commanded.

She put her mouth to the free end, I squeezed the teddy bear's stomach, and an echoey sounding "Mama!" came out of the teddy bear's ass.

You do think she's smart, right? Borderline evil genius, maybe?


tinyhands said...

How much for the little girl? Sell me your children.

(Nice spam, by the way)

Zelda said...

Fuck Fuck Fucking Spam. Now I have to get Haloscan. Fuck.

Fuck their galveston cruises, fuck their fitness products. I hope they have their fitness products shoved up their ass on their galveston cruise. I hope a microsurgeon is needed to remove it. I hope the cruise lasts for 8 years.

Anonymous said...

Good, I'm happy to see Haloscan. Blogger comments blow chunks.

Ties stuff up huh? She didn't learn that from mommy and daddy, did she?

(running away laughing hysterically)

Btw, Hey, you have a great blog here! I'm definitely going to bookmark you!

Come and check it out if you get time :)

Fucking spam.


micki said...

Wow, I'm amazed. She certainly is creative and very smart.

My 2yr old son bit himself hard enough that he has that tooth/oval shape bruise on his leg 5 days later. LMAO!

Kristin said...

You've made it girl! You got spammed!!! And about your beloved spawn, either she's totally distrubed or an Einstein. I can't decide.

Jammie J. said...

As the author of this blog, you CAN go in and permanently delete that spam. I got some stupid ass spam on my blogspot blogs yesterday. Stupid spammers.

I say you should have Gwennie poke a tube up their britches. Man, that story cracked me up.

Jen said...

The visual of her blowing/saying "MAMA" through that tube when you squeezed that bear has me falling out of my chair. She is beyond creative. You should begin channeling this great genius force towards something good. She needs some kind of mad scientist kit or something. I bet she makes some part of your house explode before she turns eight.

Cigarette Smoking Man from the X-Files said...

Note to self: do NOT piss off Gwennie!

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