Kinky for Good Shepherd

'Tis the season for politickin'. Fa la la la laaa... You get the idea.

I can't even bring myself to discuss what's going on in Washington DC, so I'll have a go at the Texas Gubernatorial Candidates. I'm not voting for any of them.

I'm not even going to bother running down the Democrat, Chris Bell. No Democrat will get another vote (or link) from me until they decide they wish to fight terrorists instead of worrying about whether said terrorists are getting too fat and having their diapers changed often enough down in GITMO.

So I'll just stick with the candidates who had a chance to win my vote.

Rick Perry, the Republican, is a pretty boy/socialite who thinks he's running for prom queen. He lost my vote years ago because he takes it for granted and Austin just seems like one big frat-party to him.

Carol Keeton Strayboobs, or whatever her crazy name is, is an Independent who wanted to have her name changed on the ballot to "Grandma." In this day of terrorism, war and nuclear proliferation, where in the name of fucking balls does this idiotic woman get the idea that people want to vote for someone named "Grandma?"

I was okay with Kinky Friedman and even considered voting for him despite the ringing endorsements of both Willie Nelson and the Dixie Chicks. I mean, I love Willie, but I find myself compelled to disregard his statements on anything except music and how to roll a fat finger. The Dixie Chicks have seriously degenerated. They're starting to sound like Vanilla Ice's comeback album with all their "I'm not ready to make nice" doodie. Play your nice little fiddles gals, and shut the fuck up already.

But I have gotten off track yet again.

I was considering voting for Kinky Friedman until I saw his campaign ads . Of all the reeking piles of condescending crap. They start off with this corny guitar that sounds like a Taco Cabana commercial. I expected to hear a gravelly voice say, "This old porch is just a steaming greasy plate of enchiladas." (h/t: Robert Earl Keen). There was nothing in them about what he actually wants to accomplish and even less about how he wants to do it.

Cowboy Way is replete with good ol'Texas bullshit including a reference to dogs and, of course, cowboys, with Kinky insisting that he knows how cowboys get things done. (Incidentally, do cowboys let their dogs lick them on the mouth? I'm genuinely curious.) Then he bitches about his opponents' bitching. Ballsy.

The Good Shepherd is even worse. Kinky Friedman is a Jew. Nothing wrong with that unless you try to quote from the book of John (New Testament) and accidentally start running for Jesus instead of governor of Texas. And while I realize there are some Texans who don't know the difference, they are few and far between because if there is anything Texans know - especially the Texans to whom old Kinky is trying to appeal - it's their Bible.

Besides, if Kinky becomes the "Good Shepherd" what the hell would that make us? Sheep? Kinky sheep? I'll pass, thank you.