Monday, April 12, 2010

Mounting the Ever Increasing Crescendo of Crazy

The A/C puffed out it's last wheezy breath just as the weather turned warm enough to need it.  So I'm drinking a cold beer and doing a little blogging.  It's too hot to do much else.  It's too hot to do this, but I will anyway.

My temper tantrum over Obamacare has abated and now it's just business.  It's a silly bill.  Obama has no idea what he's doing.

My massage classes are almost done, but due to more tardies than I care to detail, I have about a month's worth of hours to make up.  I don't care.  Once the class is done, I can make up hours any time I want and they will just happen to coincide with the times when the Round Instructor is not there.  I have so dreaded his class that I am chronically late.  It's usually almost half an hour into it before I can psych myself up enough to go.  Suddenly anything becomes more interesting - washing the windows, scratching that impossible spot between one's shoulder blades, seeing how far one's spit can dangle before one loses control of it...

Some funny things have happened in class, though.  We were doing some role playing the other day (shut up, pervs) because at some point we're going to have to massage the general public and we need to be able to tell them to take off all their clothes without laughing or throwing up - two actions to which I am quite susceptible.  I'm nervous around naked, unattractive people.  Or even attractive people.  So I muddled through my lines without too much trouble, but the same could not be said for one of my classmates.

What you are supposed to say is, "Please disrobe to the level you feel most comfortable.  Down to your underpants is best for us, but we will work with whatever is most comfortable for you."  Or something to that effect.  This poor girl was so flustered, she blurted out, "Please take off everything from your underpants down."  My partner and I had to hold onto each other we were laughing so hard.

And Round Instructor has continued to make a fool of himself.  You can tell he's very insecure and unsure of himself by the way he brags of things he can do that cannot be proven, such as channelling the healing power of Christ into the bodies of people he touches.  He tries to refer to himself as a 'conduit' but when he says it, it comes out 'condit.'  It causes me to doubt.  Of course one wonders why the healing energy he channels can't dissolve the vast, quivering amounts of fat from his own body, but I guess he doesn't think anyone would be indelicate enough to raise the question.  And I'm not.  Yet.

But things are degenerating quickly.  His crush on one of my classmates reached a crisis when he corrected her Spanish.  She is Mexican.  Spanish is her first language.  He is white.  He can barely speak English.  Don't ask me what he was trying to prove.  Maybe he thought she liked assertive men and has no idea how to be assertive.  Honestly, he's the type to leave a dozen roses and a picture of himself whacking off to a picture of you on your car while you're at the grocery store or some place that he would have had to have followed you to in order to know you were there.

But his crush was understandably offended, and she let him know it in spite of her very sweet nature.  He turned about 40 shades of purple and began apologizing (and sweating) profusely, which only made it worse.  Finally one of my other classmates told him to shut up and he did.  But it made him aware that 5 people had witnessed his humiliation and he decided he doesn't like us anymore, especially his former crush, which really is unfair.  All she did was not love him.

So he is trying to make the last few classes a nightmare and it's a testament to his chronic failure as a human being, that no one cares in the least.  He is openly mocked by my classmates and he has no skills to wage a good comeback.  And while it's somewhat awkward, it's better than squirming through his tasteless jokes and mispronunciations in silence for fear that he'll take it out on only you.  He can't fail all of us.

I know I sound like I'm complaining, and I am a little bit, but it is actually really funny. I'm trying to think of an actor who he's similar to.  Maybe Ned Beatty in Deliverance right after the squealing scene and if he'd had his balls cut off.  Not great, but that's the best I got.


Christina LMT said...

"Down to your underwear"? Seriously? Don't ya'll work on the glutes? Sorry, it's my pet peeve when clients keep their underwear ON, I want them to take it all off.

Sorry about the Round Dude, he sounds particularly obnoxious and disgusting. Not to mention frustrating from a student's standpoint. Can't you file a complaint about him? Ugh.

There's light at the end of the tunnel, though, right? You only have a few more weeks. Hang in there, I'm rooting for you!

Zelda said...

Christina - We don't do glutes at the school.  We learned them, but we don't offer to do them on the public.  To be honest, I'm kind of happy about that.  I'll just practice on Jethro.

Dick said...

I love it when hot chicks ask me to pull off my clothes.
When that happens, I usually have to hang up the phone and rub one out.

Charmed said...

I would seriously file a complaint about round dude, he needs help in a bad way. 

I would never be able to tell a client to strip, I would have to hire an assistant just to do that, take em in and tell em to get nekkid.

Christina LMT said...

But it's so IMPORTANT to work the glutes! They wouldn't let us keep our undies on at my school, unless you were on the rag and didn't use tampons, or whatever.

Well, to each his (or her) own...keep practicing on Jethro, I'm sure he needs his ass worked on quite a bit.

You know, with all the work he does, and everything... ;)

The likelihood of any patient at the chiropractic office needing gluteal work is pretty small anyway. In my experience, that is.

Zelda said...

Well I'm accustomed to saving that line until I've had him on the phone for at least half an hour.  This is going to be difficult.

Zelda said...

I can't tell you how pointless filing a complaint would be.  He's the only classroom instructor.  They fired Sexy for him.

Zelda said...

They're weird about glutes at school. I have no idea why.  But I don't care anymore.  I've given up asking any questions and I just want to be done.  And Jethro's patients might require gluteal work.  He does as much or more with muscles than he does with joints.  But I'm expecting to learn from him, so it doesn't really matter what the school teaches.

tinyhands said...

Happy Birthday!!

Anonymous said...

have you crossed the mountain yet? 

Dick said...

Are you dead?