Tuesday, June 22, 2004

To the Ladies

OK. I know my two girlfriends read this every so often because they have the courtesy to call me on the phone to bitch me out instead of leaving a comment. I swear I didn't mean to betray the sisterhood, but I stand by everything I wrote before. I don't really have a problem with women using sex to get what they want, I mean why not just put it all out there? We gots what men wants and why make a fuss? I just think that some women go about it badly.

Firstly, we (and it pains me to include myself) fall in love too quickly and moronically. If you want to boink the guy just do it. Don't pretend you have to have a relationship with him. And if you want a relationship with a guy, for the love of Pete, don't boink him. At least not right away. And once you start to boink him, keep boinking him. It's like oiling a machine. Keep it well oiled and everything will run smoothly. Deny it oil and it will become balky and resentfull and eventually run out on you screaming, "I've gotten better from from bowls of porridge, you whining frigid psycho."

Disclaimer: I think I heard the machine analogy somewhere. I wish it were mine, and it might be, but I am putting a disclaimer on it just in case.

I often flip the picture and wonder what I would do if Jethro denied me sex. If it was the control issue that it seems to be for some women, I would fucking leave him. Actually, I wouldn't have married him. Sorry, that's just me. I have low enough self-esteem as it is without having to be grateful for sexual favors.

I think gender conflict is created by the media. Men (especially fathers) are big fat insecure morons and women are are sensitive and caring, far more intelligent and only get frustrated when their lovably retarded husbands leave the seat up. I can't stand it. Why would sensitive, caring and itelligent women marry such losers? And most women I know are sensitive and caring, but only when it comes to themselves. Most fathers I know work hard and are the most caring individuals I know. They aren't fat, they treat their wives and kids well, and their wives still tell them they're not gonna get any if don't mow the lawn. It bothers me to see good men so emasculated as much as it bothers me to see good women condescended to. Some day I'll go on about that, but for now I'll stop.

I know I swore not to pontificate, but most of this was a little tongue in cheek and I meant to be amusing. I hope it was, but I'm not betting the farm :-)

8 comments:

Inanna said...

So glad I checked this place out!! You're a riot and I've only read the last two posts. Have already added you to my list of must reads. Can't wait to read the rest. And I agree, ya gotta oil the machine!!!

Zelda said...

Thanks so much. I swear I will return the favor as soon as I can figure out how to do it.

jp said...

Inanna, don't believe her. She's been promising me the same thing. :o)

Kidding...good post. I too hate the way men are portrayed by our society. Just once, I'd love to see a sitcom where a guy is the take charge type, ruling the roost....but I guess that's not nearly as funny as the bumbling idiot that needs both hands to find his ass.

Zelda said...

You know JP, I've been hinting around for some take charge, manly guy to tell me how to do it. I guess I should have been a little less subtle ;-)

jp said...

No, you've been saying that Jethro was gonna do it. :o)

I'll fill you in tomorrow.

Zelda said...

Ah, but I also said Jethro was busy with midterms (that was the hint). It's okay. I doubt the CIA could have figured out that one.

Johnny5 said...

Great post. I've found in my dating career that if I act like an asshole with no sense of self, I draw more attention and "get" more of what I want, though in the most shallow sense. If I show true colors and emotions that comprimise my cover, I find that I can actually hear the wind blowing and crickets chirping.

I find that intelligence and perception tend to scare most women, but it's won me some loyal boys over the years.

Then again, I've been getting in touch with myself for 8 months or so now. It might be time to flip the script.

Zelda said...

Intelligence and perception scare women the same way it has "supposedly" been scaring men. If you are with someone who is intelligent and perceptive, you are forced into a degree of honesty that many people don't feel comfortable with. It is easier in the short-term to fall into gender stereotypes that way you don't have to think. Men bitch about not getting any, women bitch about the slothfullness of men, they all get the same divorce, and the cycle continues. It is incredibly pathetic and I think most people would be better off alone than to perpetuate any more insanity. I know I would.