Wednesday, January 31, 2007

If Anyone Wants Me To Tell Them Where They Stand, Let Me Know

I've been working on this list for awhile. The various subspecies of man have been in dire need of classification. Men try in their unsophisticated ways to classify women all the time, but what usually emerges are overgeneralizations about shoes and maternal instinct. I was going to do women too, but I'm too close to the issue, and I know I would end up trying to make the coolest women sound like me which wouldn't be honest. Men are easier in every sense of the word.

Just a quick note before reading: It is possible and even likely that most men fall between classifications. For example, somewhere between an Asshole and a Real Man is a Real Asshole.

And I would dearly love some feedback.

Asshole: Universally hated, but doesn't realize it. Has a way with damaged women. Uses any means at his disposal to get laid. Thinks this makes him a stud. Likes manly things to the point of obsession, but is not terribly proficient in their use. Thinks sympathy is for pussies. Has a bad temper due to feelings of inadequacy. Chronically broke. No one will hire him long enough for him to make any money. Very stingy except when he's trying to derive power; then he's grandiose. If you are unlucky enough to be obligated to him in any way, look to have your life made miserable for it's duration.

Real Man: Not mean-spirited, but sometimes insensitive. Usually good-looking, but not always. The ugly ones make it seem tough. They are good at business and comprise the Good Old Boy Network. They like women in general, but often mistake high-maintenance for confidence. They go for trophy chicks, but will slop a pig if that's what's available. Usually has quite a few to choose from. They like guns and dogs and working out and steak and beer. Usually pretty even-tempered as long as he can play with all his toys in relative peace. He sows his wild oats, but usually settles down in the end because women in general confuse him and one is less confusing than many.

Gentleman: Smart, good manners, well dressed, always polite, generally good-looking. They usually have quite a panty collection. They're probably total perverts and if they're rich enough, have whole rooms dedicated to nasty sex. They are good at business because of their smooth moves, so they have money too. They have to fight off gold-diggers, but unless they're very unlucky, they don't end up with them. They like calm, smart, sophisticated women - someone who can challenge them without taking advantage. But they still like to win. They like taking trips into the outdoors and buying the latest equipment to facilitate their sojourns into nature, but they use it to enhance their urban existences as opposed to actually enjoying it for anything more than a week. They get along well with other men, but are not immediately trusted.

Good Guy: Sensitive, unselfish, and indecisive. Tougher women like to keep them as pets. They aren't terribly exciting, but they're kind and simple and reliable. They are highly employable, but tend to get passed over for promotion. They do regular boy things, but usually aren't very good at them. They are fairly intelligent and make better artists. They probably draw comic books and design video games in their heads. The ones who play guitar get laid more. They're good at the supportive aspect of relationships, but not very good at romance. They usually get along well with everyone.

Dandy: They are completely intimidated by other men, but try to hide it by insisting they are sophisticated as opposed to weak. Their voices are usually a little higher-pitched and softer than most other guys. They get under people's skin because they brag in those effeminate little voices almost without stopping. They drive complicated cars, get manicures, like fancy drinks and club music, and live far beyond their means. Gold-diggers will clean them out and leave them to die, strangled with their own gold chains and wallowing in vomit and blow.

Mama's Boy: Thinks he is a Good Guy, but he's not. He's slovenly, bad with money, probably grossly overweight. He whines a whole lot about women only liking assholes, and how good guys never get a break, but it usually falls on deaf ears. Usually gets taken advantage of by extremely large, brazen women who degrade him to anyone who will listen. Always begging for loans or handouts and always has a beautifully thought out hard-luck story to go along with it. When he works, it's usually in movie rentals or pizza delivery.

Nancy: Gay/Bi. This would involve a whole other set of classifications and I have neither the time nor the knowledge.

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