Insomnia

I can’t sleep. It is 5:30 in the goddamn morning and I can’t

sleep. I have to leave for work at 8am, so if I end up falling

asleep again, I’ll never make it. It’s times like these when I

wish I were single. I’d just find someplace open 24 hours and

hang out there. But no. I went and had kids. And Jethro. I guess

I could go to Wal-Mart and do grocery shopping. I love things

that are open 24 hours. I used to work the overnight shift at a

grocery store when I was in high school. I didn’t do it often (I

was just back-up and it was illegal), but when I did, it was fun.

I used to flirt with the guy who worked in the bakery. He was

straight (if you can believe it), he was really cute, and he made

a mean peach pie. But he was short and I was tall.


I hope we can go to the beach tomorrow. I have to get rid of this

farmer’s tan that I accindentally acquired. It’s funny looking

when guys have it, but on chicks in borders on inexcusable.

Double standard? Probably, but appealing to men is where our

power lies. You don’t have to be gorgeous or anything, just

appealing.


My favorite line of advice to women is: You can’t trust them if

they’re not trying to get in your pants.


Does that sound whorish?