Blogger's been slow and annoying all day. I've had some lively debate today both on blogs and on the phone with a sister who never reads the paper or watches the news or goes online, but who thinks she knows more than I do about current events because her boyfriend spoon feeds her his opinion. For a gal who reads nothing but feminist empowerment novels, she is surprisingly dependant on men for her opinions.

I actually didn't tell her that. I'm trying to cultivate better relationships with my sisters and I figure I can start by not offending them immediately. It's a bad habit we all have from our dad who was the world's harshest critic. We grew up taking great pleasure in one-upping each other, and it made for a harsh and brutal environment. It is no wonder I get along better with boys. They seem sweet and cuddly compared to the estrogen zoo I grew up in. I'm guilty of contributing my share to the chaos, but I also took the brunt of a terrible situation.

I don't usually like talking about this stuff, but it's been on my mind lately. When I was 15, my father had been diagnosed with leukemia for 4 years, and needed a bone marrow transplant. We moved to Houston so he could have it at MD Anderson Cancer Center. As our terrible luck would have it, my grandfather (my father's father) was diagnosed with liver cancer and decided to come to Houston for treatment as well. We all rented a house together, and it was a pretty tight squeeze which became tighter when my eighth sister was born. Six months after her birth, while my father was in the midst of radiation and chemotherapy, my mom was in a bad car accident and broke her arm in three places.

Sick grandfather, sick father, sick mother, new baby. It was a lot for me to deal with. All my school-age sisters started school (we had been previously homeschooled) except me. Someone had to watch the little ones, and my mom was hurt and had to stay with my dad, so the task fell to me. I resented the hell out of not being able to go to school because I needed a social outlet desperately. But I had no choice, so with the good grace of a disgruntled teenager, I did what I had to do. Fortunately for me, my little sister was an angel wrapped in gold and rarely gave me a moment's trouble and she has stayed an angel to this day.

I can't say the same for the rest of my sisters. They were going to a Catholic school with a bunch of snotty rich kids, and they began to look disparagingly at our situation. One sister decided she had to have a pair of Cole Haan loafers, which were around $100.00, and she hounded my mom until she bought them. The others were just as bad in their own ways.

I realize now they were being teased by the snotty rich kids, but it didn't make me feel too great when one of them informed me that I was a "loser" because I didn't go to school. Selfish Bitch. Nevermind that I read more while I watched my sisters than they probably have to date. No. Their contempt stemmed from me not having any friends. This was torturous. I didn't have any friends because I didn't go to school. And I couldn't go to school because I had to watch the little ones. The ingratitude of their remarks made me want to rip out their eyes and disfigure them for life, but I satisfied myself with whacking them upside the head every now and then.

After our grandfather and father both passed away, I could have gone to school, but I would have been a year behind. Screw that. I wasn't going to waste any more precious time than I had to. I started working at 16, about a week after my father died. I got my GED when I was 17 and started community college. I transferred to a University from there.

My relationships with my sisters have improved somewhat over the years, but I think I will always feel like it's me against them. I've convinced myself that I have an unfair advantage, but it's still aggravating to feel so alienated from my own family. My sisters are all a little clique complete with inside jokes from the days they all went to school together. They are shallow, trivial, mildly amusing, but definitely shallow. They don't get my sense of humor at all, and can't talk of anything deeper than music. I love them and I like watching and listening to them, but I don't like them at all even to this day.

If this post is totally out of focus it's because it's 3:30 am.

Sorry for the self-pity.