Friday, February 25, 2005

Altra Roma (More Rome)


All the news coverage of the Pope has made me think of Rome. And Rome invariably makes me think of Becky. Becky's father was a doctor, so she wasn't exactly poor like me. She was also the youngest of five children with a very large gap between her and the next youngest, so she was a little spoiled. She wasn't a raging brat, but she was just used to getting her own way and she was a terrible listener.

I said before that Becky's international goals could be achieved by the single act of getting spanked by an Italian. I wasn't kidding, and neither was she. Immediately, she set out to conquer Rome.

There was a coffee shop where the locals would hang out just down the street from the convent called Cafe Settemiano. After class, we'd go down there and study. Becky cast her eye immediately on Danilo, the handsome young man behind the counter. All things being equal in most civilized countries, Danilo, of course, was a flaming homosexual. Well-dressed and limp wristed, earring in the wrong ear (for straight people); even if you couldn't speak Italian, you could hear the lisp.

This type of sexual nuance was completely and utterly lost on Becky. She insisted that he was straight, that earrings didn't mean the same thing in Italy as in America, and that he was dying to get her on the back of his moped. There was absolutely no dissuading her from this. Her aggression surprised me a little. Back in NH, she was they type who if she liked a guy, would set up elaborate and largely unnecessary sting operations to find out if he was interested.

I watched in horrified fascination as Becky marched up to the counter, English/Italian dictionary in hand, to make a date with the gay coffee shop employee. I don't know what she said, but I saw him roll his eyes and shake his head "no." She came back to the table smiling. Fearing the rejection had caused her to lose her mind, I asked her what happened.

"Danilo said great and he would meet me at the bridge at 8:00."

"No he didn't. He rolled his eyes and said no."

"You don't speak Italian. You don't know."

Deciding it would be useless to tell her that I was exceptionally well-versed in Italian head gestures for "there is no way I'm having sex with you, you stupid fat American chick," I let it go. Some people just have to learn the hard way. Besides, why deny myself a chance to be amused?

It was the next day before I would find out what transpired. I was sitting in my usual corner of the cafe, when Becky came storming in, dictionary in hand, eyes ablaze. In a stunning turn of events, it was apparent that Danilo had stood her up. She rushed up to him and began yelling at him in incoherent Italian and nearly incoherent English. The one phrase she uttered that was understandable was, "IO PAZZO, IO PAZZO!"

I cringed in humiliation as I realized what she was saying and why. 'Pazzo' means crazy. She had looked up 'mad' in her dictionary and it had given her the translation for crazy.

When the tirade was over, and the coffee shop workers had picked themselves up off the floor after laughing their asses off at a completely bewildered Danilo, she stalked over to the table and sat down.

"So how's your boyfriend?"

I thought she was going to hit me.

"Shut the hell up. I think he's gay."


Zelda said...

At least it was someone like toni braxton and not a gay coffee boy.

Anonymous said...

On : 2/25/2005 12:24:09 PM micki (www) said:

That was rather amusing. Did you ever tell her she was shouting I'm crazy I'm crazy. I assume that's what it translated to.
You were in a convent? I didn't know people did that anymore. As I've never really left the place I was born and raised in I am rather naive about certain things.
Concerning the other story you linked to: Did they strip because girls were there or was that a normal practice? I can't imagine why they would do that. Things might get stepped on. Ouch.


On : 2/25/2005 12:53:00 PM Zelda (www) said:

She eventually figured out what she had said.

I boarded at the convent for a study abroad program at my college in NH. We weren't nuns on the make or anything.

The guys at the soccer field were just changing into their workout clothes and putting on their jock straps. They didn't play naked.


On : 2/25/2005 1:48:48 PM elliott (www) said:

"She wasn't a raging brat, but she was just used to getting her own way and she was a terrible listener."
In Dallas we call that spoiled.

That was a great story! Becky cracks me up.


On : 2/25/2005 1:56:20 PM Zelda (www) said:

She was definitely spoiled and dumb, but she wasn't mean, and I actually liked her very much.


On : 2/25/2005 2:30:35 PM Ciggy (www) said:

ROFL! Karma strikes again!


On : 2/25/2005 2:56:07 PM Zelda (www) said:

Karma was always a bitch to Becky. It never let her off the hook once.


On : 2/25/2005 7:57:57 PM angi (www) said:

Too funny! Don't you just love it when live bites back????lol.


On : 2/26/2005 12:50:15 AM Jeanette (www) said:

That was frickin' hliarious! Thanks for the laugh today. :)


On : 2/26/2005 2:12:38 AM Trashman (www) said:

Great story. Sorry I haven't commented in a while. I'm trying to do better.


On : 2/26/2005 7:50:58 AM Zelda (www) said:

Angi - lol. Not in this case. Becky made us all look bad.

Jeanette - You're welcome.

Trashman - Don't worry about it. Comment whenever you feel like it. No obligation whatsoever. I know you read me.


On : 2/27/2005 2:58:28 PM Inanna (www) said:

Right on! LOL!! LOL!! Karma bites!


On : 2/28/2005 1:29:22 AM Johnnie Walker (www) said:

I don't think I've met a person as delusional as your friend. I would have loved to have been there when this scene transpired! :)


On : 2/28/2005 6:59:37 AM seven (www) said:

cool story! Becky! LOL stuff like that can be fun memories, even for Becky later on i'm sure she probably laughs out loud now when she thinks about it~!


On : 2/28/2005 7:42:23 AM Zelda (www) said:

Inanna - Always!

Johnnie - It was one of the funnier Rome stories

Seven - Not Becky. She has no sense of humor.


On : 2/28/2005 10:07:55 AM Kat (www) said:

Were you laughing your ass off the whole time, too?


On : 2/28/2005 10:13:28 AM Zelda (www) said:



On : 2/28/2005 12:20:47 PM Lisa (www) said:



On : 2/28/2005 1:52:59 PM Gooch (www) said:

I guess some people really do just believe what they want to believe...

Great story!


On : 2/28/2005 5:01:14 PM elliott (www) said:

Yeah, okay.
I'm ready for another post now.
(I can be quite demanding)


On : 2/28/2005 5:11:20 PM Zelda (www) said:

Slow down baby! I'm almost done.