Friday, February 04, 2005

A Moment of Zen for the Crotchless Panties

Random Observation: Pantyhose render crotchless panties entirely useless.

I was at my parents' house the other day for my stepdad's birthday. They are odd people and they have odd friends. I'll just leave it at that.

One of their odd friends is a lawyer - good lawyer who makes a very decent living. They just built a house close to my parents house. Tragically, his wife and kids were in a horrific car accident. The kids were ok, but his wife suffered a severe brain injury. The swelling was so bad they had to remove part of her skull. Come to find out, this well-off lawyer had neglected to purchase any health insurance for his family. They were not at the party for obvious reasons, but everyone was talking about them.

Just for reference, people of all religious persuasions, particularly the born-again, tongue-speaking, religious...shall we say, enthusiasts, seem to gravitate towards my folks.

I won't lie. These people are very sweet, but they make me feel incredibly awkward. I don't know how to convey that while we have much in common, I don't care to go around vocalizing it incessantly. There are other things to talk about.

There was one couple there at the party who were of this particular ilk. They are very involved with televangilism, being rather nice looking. The wife sings and he preaches about how the amassing of wealth is a Christian value. Hey, I didn't say we had everything in common. I'll call them the Photogenics. I don't like them much. Can you tell? They are kind of fake. Make that extremely fake. It's as if they feel they must be kind to all the heathen even if it means oozing quarts of fake sincerity. For God's sake, be a little snarky. I'd respect you more for it.

Anyway, they were the last to leave the party, and they asked my parents if they would like to pray for lawyer and his family. Then they asked my sisters and I if we would like to pray also. DOH!

I really didn't want to pray with them, but I couldn't think of any way to get out of it without looking and feeling like a prick. My other sister who was local felt the same way. The other two who live in Austin, were fast enough to grab empty plates and the trashcan thereby looking enterprising. I forced Jethro to go with me. He is a dignified person, and I knew I could count on him not to disgrace us. Another sister joined us and we all went into the media room.

My hand was grabbed by Mrs. Photogenic and she started asking all of these very specific questions about Mrs. Lawyer's condition. Detailed medical analysis. She picked Jethro's brain dry as to what the medical procedures were.

Finally they started. Let me just say that I'm no stranger to the ways of the born-again. My parents tried their best bring us up in the tradition, but all of us, without exception, rejected it out of hand. It just wasn't our thing, even though we were exposed to nothing else until Catholic school. I can't tell you how bad it is when Catholics seem normal. But I digress.

Mrs. Photogenic had my hand and started praying. Mr. Photogenic took up this chorus of groans and chants to Jesus. I'll try to write what I remember.

Mrs. P: Dear Jesus we ask that you would smite the demons swelling Mrs. Lawyer's brain.

(So much for the medical information)

Mr. P and the parents: *Groan, groan* "Thank you Jesus, Amen, Thank you Jesus. You are Lord."

Mrs. P: "We ask that you come down and heal this woman. Speak to the doctors, speak to the nurses, speak to that brain."

Mr. P and the parents: *Longer and longer moans* "Praise you Lord Jesus, Praise you Lord, Amen Lord.

My sisters, Jethro and me: "???!!!"

You can't just say "speak to that brain" to a bunch of born-again novices. I immediately bit my tongue nearly in half to quell the tide of panicked laughter welling up from my gut. I felt my sister pinch my hand urgently. I pinched it back. We pinched each other until the blood came. No good. Down my face went into my lap, my entire body convulsed with silent laughter. And you know the harder you try to stop the harder you laugh. My sister Rochelle, was in the exact same position. Jethro remained stoic throughout. He is a rock.

FINALLY the ghastly prayer was over. I picked my head up from my lap and hoped the tears would look sorrowful.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

On : 2/4/2005 5:37:11 PM Gooch (www) said:

I'd hate to hear how they pray for a colon cancer patient.

"Speak to that ass"


On : 2/4/2005 5:42:57 PM Zelda (www) said:

'Rectum' Gooch. They were very specific.


On : 2/4/2005 5:59:12 PM Jen (www) said:

Holy shit, how did you ever hold it in? I would have lost it at the first moan and groan.


On : 2/4/2005 6:03:51 PM Zelda (www) said:

Believe me. I lost it quite thoroughly.


On : 2/4/2005 6:15:38 PM Jeanette (www) said:

Umm, in reference to your starting "random observation?" My reply: Not if they're crotchless pantyhose.

I'm sorry for Mrs. Lawyer. I don't diminish the power of prayer but, oh my ... oh my ... *giggle* Of course, since you weren't supposed to be laughing it made it even funnier.

How is it that you noticed Jethro was a rock while they were praying that way? (sorry, i'm a perv sometimes) :)


On : 2/4/2005 6:19:15 PM Zelda (www) said:

Well you see Jeanett, Mrs, P was only holding one of my hands...


On : 2/4/2005 7:08:50 PM Jethro (www) said:

Jeanette - I've been brought up my whole life around people like this. Although it's not my cup of tea, I'm not going to belittle their form of worship. It's just their way. I'm pretty sure some of my family's traditions may seem a little strange too.


On : 2/4/2005 9:47:41 PM seven (www) said:

hehe thats hilarious!! though i hate when people assume I am going to pray the same way they are. there are more religions and beliefs out there than christianity!

Leave it to Jeanette!! do they make crotchless panty hose? LOL


On : 2/4/2005 10:42:23 PM Ashley (www) said:

I sure hope your parents friends get through this!

I would have been on the floor laughing, so you did better then I would have done.

Oh yeah, they make crochless panty hose! I saw them when shopping for my new years outfit. They are like garter style but all one piece... very cool.


On : 2/4/2005 11:35:08 PM Ciggy (www) said:

Born-agains give me gas.


On : 2/5/2005 2:45:00 AM (www) said:

Actually the convulsions caused by not laughing out loud probably made you look like you were "filled with the spirit". I grew up "holy roller"


On : 2/5/2005 7:54:20 AM micki (www) said:

they also make man-tyhose


On : 2/5/2005 1:42:39 PM Jethro (www) said:

Micki - That scares the hell out of me.


On : 2/5/2005 7:24:58 PM Inanna (www) said:

You just lived my worst nightmare...

As for you a good massage oil, the eucalytus/spearmint stuff from Bath and Body is AWESOME when it comes to gettting the ache out of muscles.


On : 2/6/2005 10:54:37 PM Zelda (www) said:

Jethro - You are too good to be real.

Seven - Even though I'm a Christian, I felt completely out of place in that bizarre little prayer ritual. And they didn't act like we had to pray the same way they did, they just did it their way. It is too bad that their way is completely ridiculous, and if I were Jesus, I'd be a little embarrassed.

Ashley - I was dying. And I've seen those crotchless pantyhose. Very intriguing.

Ciggy - They make me laugh.

Anon- That's the effect I was hoping for, but I don't think I fooled anyone.

Micki - That is wrong. Sinful even.

Inanna - I thought you'd get a bonk out of that . And I loooooove eucalyptus oil.


On : 2/7/2005 12:57:20 AM wilde_thought (www) said:

At least that didn't ask you to join them in rousing, born again, sing-along. Went to a student Baptist club once and had to sit through it because good friends invited me. When the guitar came out I luckily remembered that my car was illegally double parked on top of a wheelchair bound octogenarian inside a federally protected wetland. I just had to leave.

Sorry to hear about the lawyer's wife.


On : 2/7/2005 7:58:06 PM Johnnie Walker (www) said:

These people sound kind of scary.