Monday, February 28, 2005

Run Me Through...One Last Time

Elliot wrote something the other day that gets funnier and funnier each time it crosses my mind.

Remarking on the death of Hunter S. Thompson and his wish to be cremated and his ashes shot out of a cannon, our intrepid white guy reveals his last request:

"... when I die, ... cremate me, mix my ashes up in a douche bag and, run me through that one last time. Hell no, I'm not joking."

And neither am I. I've been giggling over that for 3 days.

I'm Too Old For This Shit

I honestly never thought I would utter those words but I did. And I meant them.

It was a dark and stormy night. The rain was descending in torrents in downtown Houston, where a few of us had gathered to celebrate a friend's birthday. We went to Slainte Irish Pub where the beer flowed like wine. I don't like beer so I had a long island iced tea which sucked. Our dear friend became completely inebriated as the night wore on. After making a half-hearted pass or two at me and lewdly and rapidly rubbing his pool cue in my general direction, he passed out. He was sitting almost straight up, pants unbuttoned.

I was talking with a few other guys when we saw Drunken Birthday Boy give a slight heave. It wasn't an eruption, more of a steady trickle. Unfortunately, it landed all over Jethro's leather jacket and our umbrella. I paid him back though. Most of the patrons (when directed by me to observe the situation), thought it was pretty funny and made for their camera phones. The manager, failing to realize the lucrative potential in Drunken Birthday Boy having vomited all over himself (i.e. propping him up outside and selling photo opportunities), gave us the boot (which we had given ourselves already, I might add).

We hauled him through the establishment and sat him down at one of the tables outside, which was only partially sheltered from the rain, while we waited for someone to take him home. He began making spasmodic jerks again and we dunked his head in the outdoor trashcan just to be on the safe side. Further photo opportunities ensued. I called over the waitress he had a huge crush on and got her to pose with him. The bouncers loved it, so hopefully we're not permanently banned.

Moral of this story: Do not pass out in my presence. I will fuck you up.

I'm not an entirely bad person though. I did help him to his car, taking the vomit encrusted side because none of the brave lads I was with would do it. The were content to drag him through the rain puddles by his legs. I figure I've dealt with enough puke that I don't have to be a pussy about it. But it wasn't pleasant.

1 comment:

Zelda said...

On : 2/28/2005 5:35:14 PM Kristin (www) said:

I do belive this is worth repeating.........Moral of this story: Do not pass out in my presence. I will fuck you up.


On : 2/28/2005 7:22:23 PM Paris (www) said:

That was hott!


On : 3/1/2005 12:29:01 AM Jeanette (www) said:

Man the spare white guy's site is freakin' hilarious! And a picture of him with his favorite waitress? Priceless.


On : 3/1/2005 12:30:23 AM Jeanette (www) said:

err, i should've put a divider between my two sentences. the way i left it, it looked like spare white guy got a passed out picture with his favorite waitress. while that's funny (at least to me), it's not accurate. ;)


On : 3/1/2005 12:37:42 AM seven (www) said:

haha you rock! LOL and loved the pub ads i guess ya just can't get enuff boobs in an ad about irish pubs !!!



On : 3/1/2005 6:18:10 AM elliott (www) said:

"Do not pass out in my presence. I will fuck you up."

I've only been reading this page a week or so and I already had that shit figured out.. I didn't read anything about a garden hose and a screaming wet drunk though, did you guys just do the infamous drunk dump at his front door or did ya try to clean him up a little?

I'm not that fucking funny, really. But thanks for the compliment.


On : 3/1/2005 7:20:51 AM micki (www) said:

That was funny.


On : 3/1/2005 8:06:18 AM Zelda (www) said:

Kristin - I'm hoping that will become my motto.

Paris - Go cool off.

Jeanette - The man is amusing. And I take full credit for the waitress.

Seven - Boobs good. Beer good. *poink*

Elliot - It was worse than that. No one knew where he lived. He had just moved here from the Northeast and hadn't gotten his DL changed yet. One of his friends from work just drove him in his car and dumped him at his place of employment.

Micki - Thanks.


On : 3/1/2005 8:28:49 AM elliott (www) said:

That's even funnier than the front porch dump!


On : 3/1/2005 8:34:54 AM Zelda (www) said:

Yeah it was because he woke up completely disoriented with a splitting headache, triggered his car alarm, and then locked his keys in the car. Come to think of it, this post really wasn't finished.


On : 3/1/2005 8:53:10 AM angi (www) said:

Remind me to stay on your good side, I guess that would be the side encrusted with drunk guys puke...eww.

You are a better friend than me, I would have joined the guys in pulling him by the feet. MOm or not, I just can't deal with puke.


On : 3/1/2005 9:07:32 AM Becka (www) said:

Hello! Found you through Seven/Last Girl/Chiro/Jeanette.

I'm just so excited to see someone else use commentthis (it's the only one I can comment at work) I had to reply...about nothin'. I got nothin'

How did drunken guy like the pic with his wishful-thinking waitress?


On : 3/1/2005 9:11:29 AM Kat (www) said:

I wanna see pictures!


On : 3/1/2005 9:19:29 AM Zelda (www) said:

Angi - I just figured I owed him a little for thoroughly humiliating him. Besides, I've had people do the same for me *cough* Jethro *cough*

Becka - I like comment this, but they have to find a way to delete comments. It's the only thing I don't like. And he hasn't seen that picture yet.

Kat - I'll see if Jethro can post one. But I have to find a way to black out his eyes.


On : 3/1/2005 9:44:56 AM elliott (www) said:

right click on it and open it with windows paint.


On : 3/1/2005 9:47:58 AM Ciggy (www) said:

This is the main reason I REFUSE to drink to the point I get "drunk".

A little, sure. Good times. Slight buzz, you bet. Totally trashed? Forget it.


On : 3/1/2005 9:56:18 AM Jethro (www) said:

I'll try to post the picture soon. I've got a huge project due Friday. Also, National Board Exams Part III coming up real fast.


On : 3/1/2005 10:47:17 AM Inanna (www) said:

Yeah, happily buzzed is one thing... I'm with Ciggy. Having a good time ceases when ... you know... your face down in a puddle of puke. I wuv you Z and if we get tooooo toasted while I'm there... we won't take any pics.


On : 3/1/2005 11:13:41 AM Zelda (www) said:

Just buzzed enough to slur some words and sing.


On : 3/1/2005 12:27:04 PM Celti (www) said:

I once painted a very manly-man's nails hot pink when he was passed out in a bar. That same guy, head down on table (in an irish pub, no less) had scores of ash trays, beer cans and other objects stacked like jenga on his head. This also brought back memories of certain poor passed-out fools being attacked by magic markers. muuuaaaahahahaha


On : 3/1/2005 12:38:31 PM Zelda (www) said:

If I'd had a magic marker, he would not have been spared. French moustache, earrings...Damn, I should have pierced his ears. I'm losing my touch. I did that to a friend of mine in NH when he passed out.


On : 3/1/2005 2:45:01 PM Kat (www) said:

I'm in Houston myself - southwest part of town. I also live in a tiny house but that's only because I haven't won the lotto yet. Of course in order to win the lotto you have to buy tickets and that's where me and the lotto part company. Usually.

You ought to post a couple of the photos just for shits and giggles.


On : 3/1/2005 2:48:28 PM Jack (www) said:

Sounds exactly like what Trash did Saturday night.


On : 3/1/2005 3:18:06 PM Zelda (www) said:

Kat - Cool. Another Houston, Texan. Good to see you around!

Jack - So our dear Trashman is leaving out details....


On : 3/2/2005 7:39:39 PM Laura (www) said:

Ha! I would have drawn a Hitler moustache... And for the pub link..why do you think they have a picture of the girls ~etc...~ READING A BOOK??? Yeah, they can READ.


On : 3/2/2005 8:01:55 PM Zelda (www) said:

Good call on the Hitler mustache. I also didn't get the impression that literacy was one of their strong points. But they do know how to make fun of a Drunken Birthday Boy, so they are not a total waste.