Tuesday, March 15, 2005


I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but there are a whole lot of Californians migrating to the Great State.

I must admit to a certain prejudice against Californians. Bear in mind that I didn't start out with a prejudice against Californians, it was born of years of contact with them and their cheerful flakiness. They're like Canadians with tans.

Let me give you an example of some Californians I've had to deal with recently.

First off, the pregnant valley chick called back.

Zelda: "Dearest Step-Father's Office, who-is-the-light-of-my-eyes-and-the-god-of-my-idolatry, may I help you?"

PGVC - "Like Good News!"

Zelda: "It's the Rapture?"

PGVC: "We have 11% to put down, so we can like, make a bid now!"

Zelda (making a mad beeline for the neckties): "How much was it they said you needed?"

PGVC: 20%

Zelda: "I'm a relatively good person. I help my neighbors when they ask and I've donated money to the local police officers association. I paid my traffic tickets on time and I'm going to start going to Church in the near future. Why must you make me say things that will crush your sunny little dreams?"

PGVC: "Huh?"

Zelda: "We can't help you until you have the entire down payment."

PGVC: "Well we're in like, programs right now."

Zelda: "I'll just bet you are, honey."

PGVC: "Do we have to find another realtor?"


Zelda: "You could try, but you have to have money to put down or they won't be able to help you either."

PGVC: "Well, we have 11%"

Zelda: "Call me when you have 20%."

Folks, it's enough to make you scream.

But wait...there's more.

We have another client who is buying some investment properties. It is a miracle he has managed to actually make an offer. He is completely indecisive. He is making a trip out here today and I've had to find him a hotel, rent him a car, email him directions everywhere around Houston that he wants to visit, find him restaurants in the vicinity, and locate a running trail. I hate him. He is truly the most helpless individual I've ever encountered. I'm sure if he wore diapers, he'd want me to change them.

This is a typical conversation with anyone but a Californian looking for a home:

Zelda: "Dearest Step-Father's Office, who-is-the-light-of-my-eyes-and-the-god-of-my-idolatry, may I help you?"

Normal Person: Yes, I'm looking for a home in a good school district, low crime rate. I need at least 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms somewhere in the $140s to $160s.

Zelda (in her most helpful voice): If I could get either your email address or mailing address, I'd be happy to send you out a list of homes.

*End of Conversation*

Here is a typical conversation with a Californian

Zelda: "Dearest Step-Father's Office, who-is-the-light-of-my-eyes-and-the-god-of-my-idolatry, may I help you?"

Californian: Hi. I'm a shoelace salesman from California

*brief pause while they wait for me to be impressed*
Zelda (deeply inhaling on her pen): "May I help you?"
Californian: "Yes, I will be moving to Houston sometime within the next year and I want to know a little more about the area."
Zelda (suckered into thinking this sounds reasonable): "What would you like to know, sir/ma'am?"
Californian: What is the weather like?
Zelda: "Well it's pretty hot and humid most of the year. It gets cooler for about 3 months in the winter. It's comparable to Miami."
Californian: "Well I'm looking for something near hike and bike trails and shopping, and...." IT NEVER FAILS..."just a lot of diversity."
Zelda (trying not to gag): "You would probably be interested in the Galleria area or some of the new construction in midtown."
Californian (sounding worried): "We don't want to be in a neighborhood where everyone looks just like us. We're looking for a diverse neighborhood. Are these neighborhoods diverse?"
Zelda (in her best Sunday redneck voice): "There's a n****r on every corner."
And stop.
I would never utter that word aloud. But it is so tempting to just shock the shit out of them and give them something to talk about at their soy-tasting parties.
My biggest source of irritation with the whole diversity bit is that they are so full of steaming crap. The only thought they give to the community is how it will enhance their liberal credibility. They think they are so fucking holy because they want di-ver-sity, when all they really want is Thai food.
I get a perverse sense of satisfaction when I think of how surprised they must be when they come down here and see more Mexicans in cowboy hats and belt buckles than rednecks.
You want fusion? We'll give you fusion. Suckas.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

140s-160s????? This Californian may be migrating too. That won't even get you a place in the projects out here. And I don't even care if the neighborhood is diverse. Just as long as there is a good Thai place.


On : 3/15/2005 11:20:31 PM Zelda (www) said:

Gooch - You're one Californian I wouldn't mind migrating to Texas. But for some reason, only the weirdos seem to want to move here.


On : 3/16/2005 12:24:15 AM Adeel (www) said:

Heh, the motto of my city (Toronto) is "diversity: our strength," or some variation thereof.

Diversity is so specious, because it is so rare to have an even mix. A classroom of 20 kids from one province in northern India is NOT diverse, sorry.


On : 3/16/2005 12:32:41 AM Jeanette (www) said:

Just tell them about the mosquitos, Zelda. Really big mosquitos. And the walking sticks. And the gnats. And the ... oh hell, read them this paragraph from my blog last September:

"I knew there would be bugs here. I had forgotten the vast variety, though, of the bugs that are here. So far, I have encountered fleas, little tiny green bugs that jump (I have been informed they are katydids), ants, flies, moths (numerous types), spiders, walking sticks, bull gnats and, of course the ever present mosquitos. For some reason, the mosquitos have decided that my knees taste really good. So far, I have two mosquito bites and one bull gnat bite . all of them are on my knees."


On : 3/16/2005 5:57:58 AM noonie (www) said:

and the galloping cockroaches... and the snakes and the rats... and the red wasps.... brown recluse spiders..... uh I wasn't too keen onthe Houston minibugs. For a start they seemed to have forgot about being mini.

The cicadas were cool if noisy.

Oh and the afternoon rainfall When Niagara Falls would park itself over the house and let rip. tornadoes, thunder and lightening of the most spectacular sort.

Stay away Californians, you wouldn't like Houston.

Psst Z hope that helps...


On : 3/16/2005 7:04:06 AM Inanna (www) said:

Huh? If they want diversity let them stand in the line at the Immigration office, better yet, the DMV.


On : 3/16/2005 7:42:55 AM Zelda (www) said:

Adeel - I mean no insult to your great city, but that is the dumbest motto I've ever heard. The best they could say without being inaccurate is diversity: our main tourist attraction.

Jeanette - I will suffer the mosquitos over Californians any day.

Noonie - I appreciate the effort, but the lure of home prices won't keep them out. Besides, they think cockroaches are wonderful animals. Far smarter and better and more moral than humans. Californians would probably tame them, buy them clothes and walk them around on leashes.

Inanna - Or they could go fishing, or visit any blue collar ice house, but there's SMOKE in there and it could cause their pure virgin lungs to shrivel. They don't want that much diversity.


On : 3/16/2005 8:39:25 AM noonie (www) said:

Z I think they are cockroaches at least some of them. One particular one I can think of who is a part of an online club I'm a member of. Definitely related to cockroach at some point.


On : 3/16/2005 9:11:21 AM Jpck20 (www) said:

Just when I was enjoying your blog *sniff*

I'm from CA!


On : 3/16/2005 10:16:47 AM Mike (www) said:

Looks like Californians are the new Polish or blond for you. You could come up with a book of "Californians Are So Dumb" jokes.

Crikey, I'm a liberal from California! It's a wonder I can type this snetence.


On : 3/16/2005 12:24:28 PM Ciggy (www) said:

ROFL @ "soy tasting parties"... haaaaaaaaaaaaaa... yes, they do come off as pretty flaky to us slightly more grounded folk from east of the Sierra Nevadas.

But how can you list all the "scare away Cali people" bugs in Tejas and not mention FIRE ANTS? Oh my GAWD the li'l red suckers were what drove me away from San Antonio, where I otherwise would live if it weren't for them and the blazing heat which can strip the tiles off of the space shuttle's re-entry shields.

And that chica who had "11%"... I had ZERO percent but then, I also had a VA loan, which I doubt she has, hehehe...


On : 3/16/2005 12:27:52 PM Zelda (www) said:

Noonie - LOL

Jpck - Don't take it to heart. I'm sure deep down you are a Texan.

Mike - I don't think they're dumb. I just think they're self-righteous and fake. But don't take it personally. I like you.


On : 3/16/2005 12:41:17 PM micki (www) said:

How amusing. People from CA come to MO too. They do it to force their eating habits on us. They come here to open nasty food restaraunts. Most do not last.
Wow, hard to believe people will pay over 100grand for a house. Here a 100grand will get you a very nice 4-6 bedroom, 2 bath+master, 2 car garage, and your very own boat dock on the lake. Plus all the other fun rooms.


On : 3/16/2005 12:44:30 PM Zelda (www) said:

Micki - Well, for a metropolitan area we have the lowest priced housing in the country. You would die if you knew what Californians have to pay for homes - even the really crappy ones. If you head out to the country though, prices go down even lower.


On : 3/16/2005 1:18:00 PM Jethro (www) said:

If people really cared about true equality, they wouldn't ask about diversity because it doesn't matter.


On : 3/16/2005 1:49:32 PM Jen (www) said:

Jethro, you beat me to the comment I wanted to leave. Anyone ASKING for diversity doesn't really want it, need it, or understand it.

I do believe that guy would love the Memorial area - lots of diversity and a great jogging trail. Of course, the diversity is really only that they have peacocks grazing in their yards instead of pigeons or blackbirds. And I am pretty sure they have sushi, thai, and churrasco-style restaurants in the near vicinity.


On : 3/16/2005 2:19:57 PM elliott (www) said:

Yep, we have those stupid cocksuckers running all over Dallas too.
Ya wanna smack their heads inbetween two big ass bricks.
Fucking retards.

I do mean that in a good Christian way.


On : 3/16/2005 3:11:47 PM Trashman (www) said:

I want diversity. Blondes, redheads, brunettes. A B C D and DD cups. Strippers, call girls, and tramps. Now thats diversity.


On : 3/16/2005 3:39:33 PM Jpck20 (www) said:

Zelda ---- I was born in TX


On : 3/16/2005 3:40:52 PM Jpck20 (www) said:

micki - try well over 500k for the house you just describe, closer to 1 mil in places


On : 3/16/2005 4:02:17 PM Zelda (www) said:

Jen - Memorial sucks.

Elliot - Ass bricks, huh? Yours or someone else's?

Trashman - I think you've had about all the diversity you can handle for one lifetime. Not that I hold it against you.

Jpck - I KNEW IT!!!!!!!


On : 3/16/2005 5:15:27 PM noonie (www) said:

Ciggy.... ooooh I forgot about those... hubby hasn't though, he once stood on a hill on the lawn while practicing his golf swing.....

They shot straight up his pants.... he was hopping, I was rolling.


On : 3/16/2005 6:34:27 PM Zelda (www) said:

CIGGY!!! - I don't know how I missed you. I had no idea what fire ants were when I came to TX and I kicked over a whole pile on purpose. I got learned real quick. And the dumb woman had such bad credit that no bank would give her a loan without 20%down.


On : 3/17/2005 9:11:28 AM Ciggy (www) said:

Noonie, my "new to Tejas" mistake was to actually LAY DOWN on the pavement of the parking lot next to my car to check underneath for an oil leak. Beeeeeeeeeg meeeeeestake. At first it just felt like ticklish mosquito bites and then it felt like the whole backside of my body was on fire. From my upper thigh to the back of my ribs, welts like the craters of the moon. Yep. Lesson number one. Do not even CONTACT the ground in Tejas, ever. You have to float 2 feet off the ground to get to your car.


On : 3/17/2005 2:31:05 PM jeanette (www) said:

Oh, I meant to tell the Californians about the mosquitos. They won't go to a place that has mosquitos the size of their palm.

I have a great deal of respect for Texans. My friend told her husband that he picked the right girl ... because I was way too mosquito phobic to live there in Texas with him. ;)