Monday, November 15, 2004

Touch My Head

Ok. Tinyhands has just put the most dreadful thoughts in my head. Apparently guys fantasize about the ladies who cut their hair (if they're good looking). Jethro has been getting his hair cut by the same person for the past few years. She's a very pretty Vietnamese girl, and I know she thinks Jeth is hot. And he's going to be a chiropractor. And she doesn't like me that much. I can tell. I let her cut my hair a few times, and she always fucks it up. And she does it subtly so I can't tell until I try to fix it myself. The last time I let her touch my hair was the day of my SILs wedding. I ended up looking like a cross between the Cowardly Lion and Shirley Temple. And inbetween singing "On the Good Ship Lollipop" and buttonholing people to tell them, "Courage!," I vowed never to let her touch my head again.

Not the same with Jethro. I teased him about her little crush, and gave him my permission to marry her if I die. Am I just fucking stupid? The gal is so dainty and coordinated. It doesn't help that one of my boobs is bigger than her whole fucking head. Hell, it's bigger than my whole fucking head. I feel so clunky around her. She always gives Jeth a free shampoo and gently scrubs his head with perfect little nails. My nails are short and scruffy because I bite them when I'm nervous. And, as I mentioned on Tiny's blog, I don't have a chair that leans into the sink.

I guess I don't mind Jethro having fantasies about other women. I've never minded him going to strip clubs. But strip clubs are places of fantasy. I can handle it in that context because you can just leave it there. Beauty parlors are another matter altogether. And Ann is so damn accessible and available, plus she doesn't even try to hide it.

I'm not mad at either of them. I don't blame Ann at all. And I trust Jeth to at least be physically faithful. But neither of that keeps me from feeling just a little fucking insecure.

Grrrrrr. I feel moody and grouchy.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

On : 11/16/2004 10:26:56 AM jp (www) said:

Uhhhh, Z? I don't know you guys all that well, but from what I do know, I don't think you have ANYTHING to worry about.

But if he does do the hairdresser and you need to get him back, may I suggest a trip to Portland?


On : 11/16/2004 10:36:58 AM Zelda (www) said:

I wrote this post at 2am. I am wracked with insecurities at 2am. However, if Jeth ever cheats on me, I definitely get some free.

I'd suggest you make a little trip to Houston, but aren't you a married man?


On : 11/16/2004 11:17:04 AM tinyhands (www) said:

I thought about this all night, and the solution is one word: Flowbee.


On : 11/16/2004 11:20:00 AM matt (www) said:

trips to the strip club, well, my girl goes with, in fact she prefers to go with me. to me, it makes the trip much more fun and gives us something to do together that is out of the ordinary.


On : 11/16/2004 11:29:26 AM Zelda (www) said:


On : 11/16/2004 11:32:32 AM Zelda (www) said:

Tiny - Is Flowbee sexual in nature? I could look for it, but I'd rather hear it from you.

Matt - I've gone to strip clubs myself. It helps to know what they're really like, that way you aren't always wondering.


On : 11/16/2004 11:54:18 AM Inanna (www) said:

I hate the 2 a.m. wracked with insecurities feeling... been there. At least in the light of day you still got Jeth and Anne is saying, "Damn that woman, she's got tits outtohere and look at her man... I wish I had that but I'm a little scrawny nutjob who messes up hair for a living." *squeeze*


On : 11/16/2004 11:59:29 AM Zelda (www) said:

Hahaha. Thanks Inanna. Jeth is a good guy in the middle of the day.


On : 11/16/2004 12:17:17 PM Lisa (www) said:

A flowbee is a do-it-yourself vacuum cleaner suctioned haircutting tool... don't ask.

P.S. You're from Texas... I figured you would have heard of it by now


On : 11/16/2004 12:18:14 PM angi (www) said:

Are you kidding me? Jethro is so used to your ff cups, there is no way he could ever go smaller! Plus, hairdressers come home smelling like chemicals all the time. My sis is one.

Besides, if Jethro ever cheated on you, all of blogworld would come to Houston! some to kill him, some to console you. some, to get involved in that freebie you would be owed.


On : 11/16/2004 1:02:25 PM Gooch (www) said:

I"m not sure if this will completely put your insecurities to rest, but what makes you know for sure that the hairdresser is all hot on Jethro? My own personal experience has shown that many women (my wife included) are pretty well convinced that *ALL* other women that their man comes into contact with are single-mindedly lusting after him, which is, of course, ludicrous since if that were the case none of us would ever get married in the first place.

On the other hand, if she's offered him a handjob or anything during any of his haircuts, please disregard all of what I just said.


On : 11/16/2004 1:13:57 PM Zelda (www) said:

Lisa - The pictures on the flowbee website are hysterical. I haven't heard of it despite being from Texas (not quite sure why Texans would be more in tune to the odd haircutting implement market), but there you go.

Angi - They're Gs, but who's counting. And if Jeth ever cheated on me, I would leave him and insist that he take custody of the kids. No easy dating for him. Ha!

Actually, if he ever cheated on me, I would kill him myself, console myself with a drinking binge the likes of which are yet to be seen, and take all (or at least most) of the freebies offered.

But Jeth won't cheat. I got his number.


On : 11/16/2004 1:18:21 PM jp (www) said:

I am a married man...for the time being.


On : 11/16/2004 1:36:06 PM Zelda (www) said:

Good question, Zayde. Let me put this in strictly ethnic terms. You know how Jewish girls (of a certain age) are with Jewish doctors? It's the same with Asian girls and Asian doctors. Add to it that Jeth is tall and good-looking and it's, "move over white bitch." Very racist. Asian girls hate me. I promise this is true.

Besides, one of the girls at the shop tried to fix him up with her before she knew he was married. At least that's what I tell myself.


On : 11/16/2004 1:47:32 PM Zelda (www) said:

JP - I'm gonna stay away from that one. It sounds ominous.


On : 11/16/2004 2:14:13 PM Gooch (www) said:

I'm cracking up here. I had to read "Zayde" like 10x before I figured out you were referring to me. I love it!


On : 11/16/2004 2:49:14 PM Zelda (www) said:

I thought it was funny. Your turn of phrase reminded me of my Zayde - he always answered in the form of a question.


On : 11/16/2004 3:23:12 PM jp (www) said:

Ah, it's no big deal, really. We're going in opposite directions. Still love each other, still wanna be friends, but no longer want to be married. I've actually been happier in the last month than I have been in the last 5 years.


On : 11/16/2004 3:32:16 PM Zelda (www) said:

I'm sorry to hear it. It seems like a shame if you still love each other.


On : 11/16/2004 4:45:38 PM tinyhands (www) said:

Trust me, it's better than if one is in love but the other isn't.

Lisa- I don't know how she missed it either. They hand 'em out with every trailer you buy!


On : 11/16/2004 10:14:36 PM Jethro (www) said:

What the hell brought this up? Babe, you know I wouldn't do anything to hurt you. It's just not my style. So, the next time I tell you to come to bed, get your ass into bed and get some sleep...preferably naked.


On : 11/17/2004 11:44:02 AM Jack Smynde (www) said:

I'm sure he's turned off by her eating cat, too.


On : 11/17/2004 1:09:36 PM Zelda (www) said:

Tiny - You're probably right

Jeth -

Jack - Was that about lesbian sex? Cuz if so, he isn't turned off by it. If that was meant to be taken literally, HUH? Or was some kind of "racist against Asians" statement, good one.